Saturday, March 03, 2007

Mutts on Beaches


I'm sure it's March, early March, but today was the kind of sunny summer day that would make July proud.

We went to the beach and played with dogs. Since we have none of our own, we are required to use other peoples' dogs for fun and frolic.

The word is out on me in the dog community. Strange dogs approach me on beaches and sidewalks, straining at their leashes to lick me. They are always grinning, and when we make eye contact, they prance a little. Sometimes they have erections.

I can't remember ever having quite that effect on men, but maybe I've just forgotten.

I have always been a beach person. Water sign and all that, but I really love beaches. I love the smell of the ocean, and the feel of sand between my toes.

As a child, I swam out beyond the breakers and cavorted in the surf all day. When my mother called me back to shore, I was always shivering, with purple lips and shriveled fingers and toes. But I would protest that I wasn't at all cold until she finally let me go back in the water again.

My mother made me wear my brother’s outgrown dark woolen swim trunks with white mesh liner (for storing ones penis) and curved metal belt buckle. At eight, I was mortified to appear bare chested in public as other little girls wore cute outfits with frilly tops.

I pleaded with her. “Can't I get a real girl’s bathing suit?”

“What’s wrong with this one?” she asked. “It was Richie’s.”

She said it like it once belonged to God.

“I want one with a top.”

“You don’t need a top. You don’t have anything to put in it yet.”

As usual, my mother was missing the point.

I acquired my first girl’s bathing suit at the practically senile age of 11 when two perfectly symmetrical mosquito bites appeared on my chest. The suit was a one-piece skirted affair of printed cotton chintz in an indeterminate color which hung loosely on my skinny body.

I forgave its ugliness because I finally fit in with other pre-teen girls, our perfectly flat bras serving no purpose but to honor our future breasts.

A few years later, a boyfriend told me, “A woman’s breasts should fit perfectly into a champagne glass.”

“Have you really had champagne?” I asked.

25 comments:

meno said...

When i think of champagne glasses, i think of flutes. I don't want my breasts to fit into a flute, thank you very much. You could put someone's eye out with those things.

When i am hiking i am much more likely to say hi to the dogs than the people.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Meno,

Ouch.

Sometimes I don't even notice the people. I guess it's a dog thing.

Elizabeth said...

wouldn't one's breasts have to be rather stretched out to fit into champagne flutes? Actually if things keep going in the direction they're going, this may be me in a few years.

that's a pretty scary story about your bathing suit.

CSL said...

Your boyfriend was a bit of a ninny. He meant those flatter champagne glasses, although they aren't really suitable for a bubbly wine like champagne. But the idea that there is and "should" to the shape or size of your breasts is inane. By any chance did he become a plastic surgeon?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Elizabeth,

I never quite got the connection between any kind of glassware and body parts.

Which part of the story was scary?

Csl,

Wow! You're good. He DID become a surgeon, but I don't know his specialty. We are not in touch, so to speak.

How did you DO that? Thanks for coming by.

Odat said...

I'm a water baby too! and went to the beach on saturday! Was in the 60's here. Today it's back in the thirties....
Maybe your mom was preparing you for topless beaches!! hahaha
Peace

Pickled Olives said...

How great would it have been if you told him a man's penis should be 9 inches or bigger.

thethinker said...

And did you break up with this boyfriend immediately after that statement?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Odat,

Any connection between my mom and topless beaches stretches the imagination beyond its capabilities.

I have known a few, however, long after the age of 8.

Olives,

If only I'd thought of it. You can be my spokesperson anytime. I'll just stand behind you, laughing uncontrollably.

Thinker,

I used the word "boyfriend" advisedly. He was actually a boyfriend candidate. And no, he didn't make the cut. (Ew. Whatta jerk.)

Ryane said...

yeah, I will admit that I actually had to think about the champagne comment for a bit b/c the image that first sprang to mind was a champange flute.

Ahem. I don't think ANYone is looking forward to the day when our breasts fit that description. All I can picture is Magda from There's Something About Mary. hahaha.

goodthomas said...

I actually laughed out loud this morning. This was splendid.

I do not doubt that you have the same effect on men as you do with dogs -- "they are always grinning, and when we make eye contact, they prance a little" -- even the excited part.

A champagne glass? Oh brother.

(Man, this word verification is like a tough quiz -- I just got "vfnebfnf." Damn.)

furiousBall said...

I still don't have a real girl's bathing suit and I'm a 35 years old ...and a man.

Bob said...

I often wondered what the white mesh was for......

I have heard that that saying was a french one, that the perfect breast fits into a champagne glass, any more is a waste. to each his/her own.

I didn't care so much for the beach when I was younger. I love it now, mostly through the indoctrination of my wife!

I love dogs. practically the perfect companion.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Ryane,

I've always meant to see that movie.

Squeezing them into a flute sounds painful.

Thomas,

I can't believe you don't know what "vfnebfnf" means. You're not a dog, are you?

Furious,

What are you trying to tell me?

Bob,

I think the expression must be French. As is champagne at its best.

I love dogs, too. I'm a complete sucker for big brown eyes and unconditional adoration.

jali said...

I just made friends with the 2 seemingly wild pit pulls and the other seemingly angry dog that moved in with our new neighbors. They're really sweethearts. I just walked up to the fence and started talking to them - they sniffed and made friends. I love dogs too.

Cavalier92 said...

Absolutely the perfect post. Nostalgic, poignant, hilarious, and with a foot in the present and a foot in the past.

My first visit here and I will be back!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Jali,

I think that most dogs are sweethearts. It's their owners you have to look out for.

Cavalier,

Thank you so much! Please do come back.

Minx said...

I would think wearing champagne glasses might be a bit of a problem but it could make your nipples look kind of interesting!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Minx,

Definitely! But how would you fit the stems into your bra?

Thanks for coming by.

seventh sister said...

You can play with Lani if you come for a visit.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Sister,

I thought you'd never ask! All this loving her from afar is getting old.

seventh sister said...

What? You thought you needed an invitation?????

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Sister,

Awwww, not really. But it's so nice to have one.

love,
S

velvet girl said...

LOL! I'm still waiting for those "future breasts"... thank goodness I can buy my own bathing suit, though, complete with top.

Dogs are the greatest. :)

-velvet

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Velvet,

They are! Many of my best friends have been dogs.

Btw, the "mutts" in the title of this post also refers to me in my brother's bathing suit.