Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Courtship Ritual

I had an obscene caller. He would call me at all hours of the day and night, and he only spoke one line:

"I want to eat your pussy."

The first few times, I slammed down the phone, shocked and offended. Then, one night he woke me at 3:30 a.m. to listen to his line.

"I want to eat your pussy," he said.

"Oh? And then what?" I asked, rubbing my eyes.

"I want to eat your pussy."

"Yes, I know that. What ELSE do you want to do to me?"

He was silent for a moment. Then, loudly, he stated, "I.Want.To.Eat.Your.Pussy."

"Look," I said. "There's a whole smorgasbord of things you can want to do to a woman. Why only that?"

A very long silence. Then, sadly, he mumbled, "I want to eat your pussy."

"This is stupid," I told him. "You wake me up at 3:30 in the morning to tell me something I already know. Tell me something new or I'm hanging up."

He whispered, "I want to eat your pussy?"

"You know what? I've had better obscene phone calls from twelve-year olds. You just don't know how to talk to a woman!"

I slammed the phone down and he never called me again.

34 comments:

urban-urchin said...

OMG that is one of the funniest things I've read in a while. Way to school the perv!

Kris said...

"You know what? I've had better obscene phone calls from twelve-year olds. You just don't know how to talk to a woman!"

I freaking love it.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Urchin,

I guess we all need a little help in our chosen field sometimes.

Kris,

I'm glad! Thanks for your visit.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Kris,

I tried to check out yor blog, but the link didn't work. It said "profile not available." Just so you know.

curmudgeon said...

So was the dude chinese or something?
What kind of pussy do you own? Was it that delicious looking?

djn said...

He was like a deer caught in headlights. I bet he's still coming up with things he "shoulda" said... LOL

Lex said...

Once again, you ROCK!!!

Pickled Olives said...

ahhh hahaha! LoL! this is great, at three something in the morning you had enough wits to let him have it! I am taking notes...

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Curmudgeon,

Ohhh, of course. Char Shu Catt. Moo Goo Gai Meow.

I'm so ashamed.

Djn,

I hope so. I do prefer a man with a larger vocabulary. (Size matters.)

Lex,

Hee hee hee. :)

Olives,

I wake easily. I hate to think what HE was doing at that hour while talking to me. :(

kim said...

you ruined the guys wet dream! lol

i love it!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Kim,

Is it a wet dream if he's awake? Whatever it was, I did totally ruin it.

He really needs to expand his um, repertoire.

Nihilistic said...

You have all the phone fun!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Nihilistic,

Want my number?

katrice said...

Laughing so hard I can't sleep now!

The voice inflections are hilarious.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Katrice,

You can't sleep anyway. Last night I was up until 3:00, and I reminded me of you, my fellow insomniac.

mist1 said...

My friend and I developed a theory that the more men talk about wanting to eat p*ssy, the worse they are in bed.

We are still testing it.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Mist,

I love science! You will publish your findings, won't you?

My theory is that men who make obscene phone calls can't function at all in person, so to speak.

Mone said...

hahahaha, rigth on girl, thats the best response you could giff this weirdo ;-)

Lee said...

HAHAHAHA!!! That was HILARIOUS!! Good for you!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Hey, Mone, you're new here! Velkommen (sp?) and danke for your visit.

Your blog is great! I'll be back often.

Lee,

Ahh, music to my ears. Thank you for noticing!

kim said...

fyi ... i posted something for you this morning lol

Odat said...

lmao....very funny....I haven't gotten an obscence phone call in a long time...and its good you diffused the asshole....
Peace

The Law Fairy said...

Oh man. That's even better than telling a phone solicitor about your medical problems (real or made-up, whichever mood strikes you).

I'm impressed you kept him on the phone that long. I've never gotten obscene calls but I've gotten abusive ones. I'll argue with them for as long as they want but they always end up hanging up their phones out of frustration.

I love winning :)

Crankster said...

What a great story! Of course, this makes me think of potential responses, which makes me think that maybe someone should run a school for obscene phone callers.

Really, how else are we going to encourage innovation in the world of telephone harassment?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Kim,

I saw. Your son is adorable. Great costume. Thank you!

Odat,

I was glad to find out I still had it. Let's all hear it for obscene callers.

Law Fairy,

Me, too! I think this guy probably gets off on women hanging up in shock. He clearly had no Plan B.

Crankster,

How are we, indeed? I was trying to instruct him in the finer arts, but he could not be prompted.

If someobdy wakes me at that hour, he'd better have something really entertaining to offer.

PARLANCHEQ said...

OMG, too funny! And the best part is that you probably inflated his ego (among other things) and spared numerous other women similar calls.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Parlancheq,

Inflating his ego was not what I had in mind. Or anything else, either.

Michael C said...

Very funny. i guess whoever put him up to it didn't give him a second line to try, or third, or fourth...
;-)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Michael,

No, the script was quite deficient.

Why do you think somebody put him up to it? Is it because he doesn't sound creative enough to think of anything himself?

Bird on a Wire said...

My favorite part is when he poses it as a question. "I want to eat your pussy?" Absolutely hilariousbobdylan

Old Scrote said...

A lovely Jewish comedienne, Maureen Lipman (when you get to the punchline of this, hear it with a lilting Jewish intonation), tells how her phone rang late one evening. She picked it up and said "Hello?" and a heavy breather replied "I know what you want. You want me to take you to your bedroom, throw you on the bed, strip off all your clothes, lick every inch of your body and then make love to you all night long." He paused.
Maureen Lipman said "You can tell all this from "Hello"??"

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Bird on a wire (Bob Dylan,)

Thanks for your visit.

Yeah, he pretty much explored every permutation of that one thin line.

He had a lot of nerve to say he was my friend...

Jake,

Funny story!! Thanks for the good laugh.

misanthropster said...

Nice.

This is beautiful.

I knew there was a reason why I came to your blog today. Wait. I think that makes you my raison d'etre du jour.

heh.

I once talked to an obscene phone caller for three hours.

Turned out he was lonely and bored.

I think I gave him psychological counseling.

An explosive said...

thats hysterical! omgosh! i can't imagine... lol.. what a dope! M