Memes R Us

My Heart Hurts at "Laugh More, Love More ... Don't Be So Afraid" has tagged me to tell Nine Weird Things About Myself.

Only nine?

I don't know where to begin. Either I'm boringly normal, or so weird that my abnormalities seem normal to me. You'll have to be the judge.

1. I usually keep new clothes for awhile before wearing them, unless they're for a special occasion. I'm uncomfortable in anything that is obviously new.

2. Most of my best friends have been four-leggeds. The only animals I fear are humans. A little face licking is a small price to pay for a lack of arrogance, pretentiousness, and deception. And no, I don't hate everyone. I just find humans more generally disappointing than other animals, where what you see is what you get.

3. I don't drink because I'm allergic to liquor. After 2 or 3 sips, I feel it coursing down my arms and legs which quickly become leaden, and then my throat closes. When I broke my back and was given morphine in the ambulance, it had the exact same effect. The paramedic discontinued my drip immediately. When I just say no, strangers usually assume I'm a recovering alcoholic on good behavior, but I've never been drunk or had a hangover in my life. Nor have I ever known the pleasure of a post-coital cigarette.

4. My father cared little for me because I was a girl, so to this day, when I see a man behaving tenderly toward his daughter, I almost cry. I am so astonished by such displays of paternal affection that I question them in my mind. I look carefully for signs that the man is faking it. Sometimes I photograph the people for my collection of loving-father pictures. It seems miraculous to me, not because I consider females inferior but because I was considered so during my formative years. When girlfriends tell me that their fathers valued them and believed in their abilities, it seems like some kind of fairy tale. I wish this were not so.


5. I never deliberately kill things. I will go to great lengths to catch and free an insect, but cannot bring myself to take a life. I do entertain homicidal fantasies about my next-door neighbor, though, as discussed earlier. When I clean, I remove cobwebs or not, as the mood strikes me. The spiders live or die depending on the caprices of a creature they cannot even comprehend. Does this mean that I am God to the spiders?

6. I have far too many houseplants. They take up a disproportionate amount of space in our apartment, yet I keep buying them. I develop a personal relationship with them and believe they do well for me because of this bond as much as for the care I give them. We have our very own rain forest, but without the enchanting tribal people, some of whom eat other enchanting tribal people. I compulsively pick dead leaves off other peoples' plants, in doctors' offices, malls, friends' homes, wherever they look neglected.

7. I fear haircuts more than dentistry or surgery. I have had some really bad ones besides the self-inflicted wounds, including a few where it was cut so short that I looked like a little boy in drag. I am good about injections but can barely swallow a pill, only caplets, and with difficulty. When I was on birth control pills, I crushed them in applesauce and ate them like a baby.

8. I don't wear polish on my fingernails, but feel naked without toenail polish.

9. I love extreme weather conditions, hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes. I have not experienced a tsunami, but always look for rogue waves at the beach, along with abandoned toys. (I would never steal directly from a child, though. I have my scruples, you know.) Thunder, lightning, wind and pelting rain make me feel more alive.

Flip just meandered by, peered over my shoulder, and remarked, "An unexamined life is not worth living." Socrates lives.

I pass the torch on this meme to: Mist1, Crankster and Nihilistic.