Tuesday, December 05, 2006

'Tis The Season To Be Bitchy

I went to the UPS store to send off my daughter's birthday gift. (Her birthday is December 11th. A great day for the world.)

The young man working there, a Matt Damon look-alike, measured my stuff and found a box. He taped it together and held it under the styrofoam peanut spigot, a really cool machine. He began to type my address label.

Meanwhile, three other customers had come in. Three people, not counting the one wailing in his stroller, "Mommy, go poopy! Go poopy, Mommy." He had his tenses confused. The proper locution would have been, "Mommy, WENT poopy."

An old lady uncoiled herself like a rattlesnake and hissed, "Is there anyone here who can help us?"

Matt Damon said, "Not right now. I'm sorry."

She said, "Sorry doesn't get it. I want some help NOW."

"I'm going as fast as I can," said Matt.

She glared at me. I smiled back sweetly. Dimples and all.

Matt shot me a scared look, the kind that says, "Help me! I just fell into a deep vat of piranhas." I gave him my best reassuring gaze, the kind that says "Everything's gonna be all right."

I was lying, of course. There was no way to predict what that hag would do. She probably eats braised scrotums for breakfast. "I see three other people back there," she said. "Hey! Anybody work in this place?"

Matt told her that one of those people was a repairman, and the other two weren't on the clock. It was lunchtime.

"Helluva way to run a business," she said.

The other customers looked embarrassed, like when someone farts in an elevator and nobody's quite sure who did it.

She bore a striking resemblance to the witch who melted in The Wizard of Oz. The green one.

He finished my package, and we conferred about rates. She muttered loudly and stomped her foot like Rumpelstiltskin. She did not go through the floor, however. We were all sorry.

I hope Matt gets a good role soon so he can quit working there. The holiday season is off and running.

"Have yourself a rotten little Christmas.... "


monicker said...

Ah, yes - the season of giving, when fools creep en masse from their homes and lumber dangerously around parking lots in their massive Buicks and Yukons flipping you the bird as they cut you off...

heartinsanfrancisco said...


They do that all year long around here. But perhaps with a bit more vehemence at Christmas.

Just D said...

Did you try chucking water on her?

jali said...

Wasn't there a Mrs. Grinch?

Open Grove Claudia said...

When I am in that situation, I get very smug and superior by feeling sorry for the poor impatient witch. It works for me....

Thailand Gal said...

Trying laughing at her. That always seems to work. It's like a bucket of cold water without the aggression. Hopefully, idiots like that will realize how they are behaving.

Probably not.





Lee said...

I had a similiar experience at the Post Office. This old lady, with a frightening German accent, wearing at hat that matched her jacket and skirt went banging on the door to the back and yelled, "Quit eatin' and get out here and help us!", despite th fact that all the counter people were present. Then she banged on the manager's door and refused to go in and settle down. Instead she turned to us slack-jawed spectators and demanded that we riot. She scared the living hell out of me. After discussing this incident with a couple of people, I found that she had a bit of a "reputation" and had had similiar tantrums in most of the stores in my town. What a lovely specimen.

velvet girl said...

Maybe you should have told her to go to Ikea. Sounds like a match made in heaven.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Just d,

Um, no. She would have melted. Seriously.

But I never seem to have a pail of water when I need one.


There is now.


I already felt smug and superior because Matt was devoting all his attention to ME.

Thanks for your visit here!


I think we were all so shocked by her bad behavior that there was not even a nervous titter.


You'll be happy to know she's moved to San Francisco, then. And lost the accent, probably around Kansas.


A lovely idea. I wish I'd thought of it!

Christina_the_wench said...

You're too nice. I turn into mega bitch when people are being that rude. Yes, it isn't the correct way to act, but F it. They started it. ;)

heartinsanfrancisco said...


I WAS being a bitch. I smiled at her. Smiling is hard to tolerate when one is acting like that.

djn said...

She should know by now, being as old & crusty as she is (bitch), that life is too damn short for that kind of nonsense. Poor Matt Damon look-alike. I hope he doesn't get too many of those a day...

heartinsanfrancisco said...


I suspect she was just as crusty when she was young. People don't change; they just become more themselves with age.

He was a nice young man. I felt like a rat leaving a sinking ship when I left.

Aisby said...

I'm always extra-special nice at the holidays...some people are just so bitchy, they should go home!

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Yeah. Tell it, Sister.

mist1 said...

Talk about the Wicked Witch of the West all you like, she had incredible taste in shoes.

Odat said...

There you go again....starting trouble! lol....I would have done the same thing....smiled!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Mist, you're incorrigible. You cannot be corridged.

They WERE pretty fine, weren't they? With buckles, if I remember correctly.


Life is not worth living if you can't start some trouble.

Didn't you know that?