Saturday, December 30, 2006

Exorcism For Dummies


It is now possible to buy holy drinking water, blessed by priests. The company producing it makes it clear that drinking their water is no substitute for going to church, but does make this claim: "From the River of Living Water flows 'Holy Bottled Water Inc.' produced by man under the inspiration of God because water is twice as valuable as oil.

Wash away your sin and your thirst at the same time. The blessing does not take away from the taste. Holy Bottled Water washes away the sins of anyone feeling less than saintly while quenching your thirst like nothing else can. Your immediate redemption and satisfaction are guaranteed.

As Holy Bottled Water is up to 4 times as powerful as the leading competitor, it is important that it be used in a manner consistent with its indications for use, otherwise one risks Eternal Damnation. The following are some simple instructions to avoid unwanted consequences:

Before consumption as a beverage, it is wise to sprinkle a few drops of water on the person's body (NOT THE FACE as this could disfigure) to determine whether the subject is under the influence of Satan.

Some symptoms to watch out for:

1. If the drops sizzle or smoke when they touch the body, the subject is possessed by a demon. Call a priest for an immediate exorcism. Other signs of demonic possession include occasional touching of the genitals, bad breath, and breaking of wind with an odor that can only be described as coming from the depths of hell.

2. If the drops of Holy Bottled Water sprinkled on the subject saturate the clothing, but do not sizzle or smoke, then the subject can be considered free from demonic possession. However, the subject is still unprotected from the Grace of God and all his Mercy (Huh?) and should drink one bottle every 2 hours, testing by sprinkling more drops onto the body until such time as the drops of water no longer penetrate clothes. Note: It may take several months of celibacy to reach this level of perfection and protection.

Otherwise, drink Holy Bottled Water in good health and cheer, for special occasions or simply to chase the demons of thirst away."

I'll have what she's having.

32 comments:

urban-urchin said...

Yay! I'm first!

Seriously though? That's some medieval shit.

An explosive said...

Well what's next? Maybe I shouldn't ask that question for fear of grannies or granpas lining up to prostitute themselves for the almighty dollar!

Well I guess if the Kabbalist's can have there water so can we...

Next the Buddhists or better yet the Satanists... let's make it interesting! ~M

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

You should try sprinkling Earthlink with it and see if there's any sizzle and sparks. Then again, can something that is soulless be possessed?

Thailand Gal said...

LOL! Oh, yes, that is medieval ~ and there are so, so many who will buy it and believe it!

It's kind of sad.. but also kind of funny.

:)


Peace,


~Chani

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Urchin,

You think?

My heart,

Don't talk like that about my granny. She's still raking it in.

I wonder if it's possible to buy non-sectarian holy water.

Squirrel,

Yeah, I sense a trend in my last few posts. I have no doubt that Earthlink would sizzle and then explode from demonic possession.

You raise an interesting question about souls, though. I'll ask my priest when he's finished blessing the water bottles.

Chani,

Not so sad. If those who believe it practice celibacy as directed, there won't be anyone to pass their stupid genes to. And that's a GOOD thing.

Aisby said...

WTF??? People actually buy (into) this???

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Aisby,

Maybe they're just hedging their bets.

thethinker said...

Haha, that was hilarious. I can't believe people actually buy that stuff. Though, I can think of plenty of people who need some.

monicker said...

Who says you can't be both a religious fundamental AND a capitalist?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Thinker,

So can I!!! I would buy a bottle for fun if I could find it, but I wouldn't drink the water. Who knows what brainwashing chemicals they've added?

Monicker,

There has always been big money in religion. Look at the televangelists and cult leaders who prey on the insecurities or guilt of rich people. And become filthy rich themselves.

The Law Fairy said...

Oh my god... I'm holding out faint hope that this is a joke.

I mean, how OFFENSIVE. I'm so disgusted by people who USE their religion to make a buck and dare to call themselves "ministers"! It makes a mockery of people who actually believe and do what they can to be pious in their own, non-money-driven lives.

And, yeah, I would never drink that stuff. Who knows where it's been. Shudder.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Law Fairy,

I'm a little unclear on some of the finer points here, such as the one about occasional touching of the genitals. Do they mean ones own or someone else's? This should really be clarified as it could make a big difference. Or maybe only a small difference. Depending. Perhaps size matters more than we know.

There are going to be a lot of us in hell, aren't there?

Lex said...

Where can I get some??

And, what, didn't you know that "God's grace and all His mercy" is not a redundancy?

Can I tell you how many sermons I've listened to that spent 45 minutes trying to create this false dichotomy?

Ah, these and other such adventures in missing the point have so much to do with why I wouldn't be caught dead at this point where ever it is that this water can be bought.

Bless you, My Child.

Lee said...

Keep that stuff away from me...I have a feeling some sizzling might occur.

P.S. I couldn't say it on my post but the suspected abused man is my ex-husband and yes, I am terribly anxious and uncomfortable with what goes on at their house. We have joint custody and there is not much I can do. You are absolutely right to say it's a horrible, tragic situation. My boys have been placed between a rock and a hard place many a time. Lie to their mother or betray their father. It's despicable. And terrifying.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Lex,

My coment, "huh?" referred to someone being unprotected from the Grace of God and all His Mercy. Why would a person need to be protected from God's grace, etc.? It seems counter to what they probably meant to say.

But then, I'm one of those people who would argue about how many angels can fit on the head of a pin.

Lee,

I suspected who the subject of your post was. I'm so sorry. He badly needs some kind of intervention, but it would probably be ineffective as long as he is in denial.

You, certainly, cannot say anything, even though you have the most right of anyone since your mutual children are affected. Brainwashed as he is, "he" would interpret anything you said as jealousy, ridiculous and insulting as that concept is. And his friends are powerless as well. I feel terrible for you and your boys.

I wish your ex had merely bought a red Porsche or started going to strip clubs or something. This is far worse.

Have you considered counseling for you and the kids? They need to be protected, even if it's interpreted as an attempt to turn them against their father.

Lee said...

You are wise. I am at wits end. The only thing going for me is that the kids actually like her. She is good them. If it were otherwise I think would lose my mind. She desperately wants to be their mother and even illegally went into their schools posing as such.

I am planning counselling for my boys after the new year. It breaks my heart to see the indecision on their faces as they try to decide the "right" thing to do. I am hoping to find a good counselor who they will feel safe to talk to...someone they can confide in who won't be a betrayal or liar. My life is damage control.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Lee,

I feel bad for you. I suspect the kids don't like her so much as they are afraid NOT to because it would displease their dad, and he might love them less. I'm sure the divorce and subsequent changes have made them insecure enough that they might think that. And it doesn't sound as if he's helping them to adjust as he should.

I hope you are able to find a good therapist who will treat the boys with kindness, honesty and respect.

This woman has no boundaries or conscience at all, so watch your back, Lee. Seriously. Have you set the school straight about who she is, and that her personal rights to the kids are nonexistent?

The Law Fairy said...

heart, well, I think maybe if the hand was a different gender, they could get married and then it might be okay.

Only if the hand wasn't divorced, of course.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Law Fairy, you must be high.

Divorced or of some other religion, also forbidden. And I'm pretty sure they would be allowed to have such contact only if attempting to procreate. Everyone knows it's a venal sin otherwise.

Michael C said...

Great Post!!!!!
You'd think the priests participating in blessing the water to be sold for profit would get into some serious trouble.

They'd better watch out for the Vatican Revenuer!!!

Now seriously, will they have it at Target soon?
;-)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Michael,

Well, I hope they're getting a kickback... They do without so many other things.

I'd look for it in the exorcism aisle. I think that's between the cough remedies and feminine hygiene.

Lee said...

Yeah, she's tied up pretty tight now. Now that I realized how nutty she was. I just take it one day at a time. Thanks Hearts!

Odat said...

I need some of that to be sprinkled on some people I work with...they'd sizzle all right!
Peace

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Lee,

You're a very smart woman. I know you'll continue to handle this well. It's just so unfair that you have to.

Odat,

You must work with Lee's nemesis, who could surely ignite tall buildings with a single sizzle.

I'll send some to both of you when I find it.

Liz said...

They should pass some of this stuff out in Hollywood tonight. Or, imagine if someone secretly gives Ryan Seacrest and Dick Clark some on air as the ball is dropping in NYC. Then we'd know for sure if those rumors about deals with the devil are true or not.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Liz,

Laughing, laughing, laughing at that! Thank you. And I'm sure you're right.

Open Grove Claudia said...

I wonder if that works for Kabala water as well.....

Bob said...

a late comment here, but can someone be "unprotected FROM God's grace and all of his mercy?" wouldn't they actually be unprotected BY God's grace and all his mercy? Or maybe I'm missing something here.

just curious (and nitpicky, perhaps?)

Crankster said...

A few months back, my wife and I visited St. Pat's cathedral in NYC. I briefly thought about smuggling in some dry ice and faking a satanic smoking.

Unfortunately, I couldn't find anyone who sold dry ice.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Claudia,

I don't see why not. Why don't you test it and find out, and let me know?

Bob,

Exactly. I took issue with that quote when I inserted (huh?) because yes, I should think we wouldn't want to be protected FROM God's grace.

What can I tell you? They're idiots as well as charlatans.

Crankster,

Maybe they keep it in the vestry to preserve the saints.

Isn't St. Patrick's gorgeous, though? I used to visit regularly for the peacefulness and the windows, even though I'm not Catholic.

Akonfuzzled said...

... Is this for real?

... Guess I won't be taking a bath in holy water any time soon. Hmm, those 'signs of demon possesseson'... If your skin merely screams when water period touches it, does that mean your possessed?

And, well, hmm... Oh, well, maybe I shouldn't have told everybody about that incident...

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Akon,

How did you find this post which is about two years old?

Maybe we're all possessed by something. We just don't always know it.

Thanks for your visit.