Monday, December 18, 2006

Christmas Lyric Meme

Velvet Girl has tagged me to do a Christmas song meme. If I understand correctly, I am to relate my doubts or difficulties with the lyrics to a popular carol.

"God rest ye merry gentlemen,
Let nothing ye dismay,
Remember Christ our Savior
Was born on Christmas day,
To save us all from Satan's pow'r
When we were gone astray;"

"God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" is offensive because (duh) it seems to be yet another little men's club in which women are non-existent. You don't hear them singing about God resting merry gentleWOMEN, now do you? I rest my case.

I mean, just for starters, c'mon, guys. If it hadn't been for Mary, who by all accounts was female, where would any of y'all be? Worshiping trees, that's where. Or (gasp,) goddesses. Maybe even worshiping goddesses in trees, for all I know. Please.

Also, the song implies that all men are sinners who follow Satan. I simply do not buy this. I have, myself, personally, known one or two men who did not follow Satan. They hadn't even gone astray, really. They just refused to ask directions.

And if you want to get technical, Christ was not born on Christmas Day. It BECAME Christmas Day After The Fact. Jeez.

"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" is my other candidate:

"I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn't see me creep
down the stairs to have a peep:

She thought that I was tucked away
up in my bedroom fast asleep

Then I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus
underneath his beard so snowy white;

Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night."

Well, I don't know where to begin.

First of all, Mommy should have Child Protective Services sicked on her immediately for exposing her child to her adulterous affair with a fat trespasser who spends most of his time sneaking down chimneys. While, presumably, her husband (remember him?) sleeps in his bed upstairs, confident that his entire world is not about to come crashing down upon him and his precious innocent progeny.

Obviously Mommy is a blatant gold digger who is willing to sell her soul and her family's for an oversized bag of loot. For shame, Mommy. For shame.

What ELSE did the wanton hussy do to that dirty old man right in front of her tiny toddler, who is undoubtedly traumatized for life? Are we to believe that the sordid clandestine affair ended with an innocent tickle under the beard and a gentle kiss? I think not.

But the capper, the ultimate disgrace, is when the child is unwittingly dragged into the dirty business and forced to betray his or her own father, otherwise known as Daddy. What kind of morals can this child be expected to embrace as an adult after witnessing Mommy's shocking disloyalty and even conspiring against poor old Daddy, who will forever after be perceived as a lame duck, the cuckold who got screwed over by Santa Claus?

With great dismay, I am forced to conclude that Mommy was clearly no gentlewoman.

43 comments:

The Law Fairy said...

I would also like to add that Santa is a creep for using his magical powers and possession of bags of toys to lure in a woman who has a husband and child. What a Creepy Old Man.

Also, what is wrong with said kid that s/he thinks it would be "funny" if Daddy caught them? This kid sounds like a troublemaker to me. S/he's just waiting for Mommy and Daddy to get in a fight so they'll get a divorce and Kid will have twice as many presents next Christmas.

Greedy little consumerist! What ever happened to the Santa of 34th Street? He didn't give a crap about helping toy store monoliths make money. He should teach these carol writers a thing or two.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Law Fairy,

Yeah!! What she said. I hear you, Sister.

Of course, I'm probably bitter. My parents never divorced and I didn't get the double helping of presents, the competitively cool wardrobes and puppies in two houses.

For this, too, I blame them.

1:15 PM

mist1 said...

I thought it was G*d test ye' merry gentlemen. I am into testing men.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Mist,

They must do a lot of boning up for those tests.

Odat said...

LOL..I always had a problem with "I Saw Mommny Kissing Santa Claus" even when I was a kid....maybe that's why I am the way I am.....hmmmmmmm......gotta talk to my therapist bout that one!
Peace

kim said...

how about deck the halls with boughs of holly ....you should see the scars on my arms from the holly bush! that crap is sharp!!
and try watching frosty the snow man with a 2 year old!! frosty melted and with that BT had a melt down himself ....now he keeps pointing at the freezer and mumbling ....*sigh*

saby said...

is dat u kissing Santa?
i stole your pic

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Odat,

If your therapist wants kisses for payment, call me first.

Kim,

Ohh, so sad. I got gauged by some holly on my door wreath and it hurt for days. Nothing like pustulent, festering Christmas spirit, is there?

Saby,

I saw you stole my picture. Now everyone will know.

Thanks for your visit, anyway.

saby said...

"Temptation resisted is pleasure lost."


i like dat
i stole dis too

hehehe

saby said...

i am not a foot fetist
wud u mind moving the camera higher up

Steven Novak said...

Is saw mommy kissing Santa Claus once...

I took pics, made a deal with daddy and made a fair amount of money. ;)

Steve~

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Saby,

Is dere anyting else yu want heer?

Sorry you no like foots.

Steve,

Clearly a child of many talents. I hope it's still paying off for you.

zorak163 said...

I've always taken exception to the Mommy kissing Santa Claus song and your rant about it is hilarious. Extra points for that sordid and appropriate photo.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

I was recently taking part in a different Christmas meme when I came across the question:"How old were you when you learnt the truth about Santa Claus?" Thanks to you, I just did!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Zorak,

Thank you, my friend.

Squirrel,

If you'd had my older brother, you would have been wised up at age three. I always suspected our mother paid him to impart this crushing bit of intelligence so she wouldn't have to give credit to the old porker anymore.

velvet girl said...

Excellent choices!

"God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" always confused me. You're right... what about the women? Or were we too far gone after that unfortunate apple/snake episode back in Chapter 1 that we were beyond being saved? So confusing.

As for "I Saw Mommy", this is just a tragic song. Mom is a ho, dad is unaware that he's being cuckolded (only for now since kids are not known for their discretion), and the pint-sized peeping tom is going to end up in therapy for years after his parents slug it out in court during their bitter divorce. Yeah, kid. Laugh it up.

-velvet

Le Nightowl said...

What a great choice you made!
I didn't know any of those carols (in fact I don't know any carols at all) but your post made me want to look for similar pearls of wisdom :)
I enjoyed both of them, and your comments ar so humorous!
..."beard tickling", indeed! :)
Thank you for the fun reading, this will make a great start to my day.
Marie

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Velvet,

Dunno. Guess we're all tainted, even Mother Teresa and Thich Nhat Hanh, because of that damned fruit incident.

And the kid who saw Hoochie Mama doing the nasty with Fatso is messed up for life. Do not go to therapy. Do not collect $25. Just take that piece off the board NOW.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Marie,

I wonder where the beard was, now that we've put it out there, so to speak.

La la la la la....

Jocelyn said...

Astute observations, indeed. I guess old-timey women, even if landed gentry, had little cause to feel merry ("Damn. Another day of needlework.")...but today's ladies, thanks to the stranger in the living room, are on a regular holiday merry-go-round.

Michael C said...

It's mommy's actions that lead little kids to go tell everyone that Santa isn't real...
;-)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Jocelyn,

They weren't exactly strangers as it turned out, were they?

Michael,

Don't you think it's odd that Santa and Mrs. Claus never had kids? He hangs around with a lot of little elfin men in his "workshop" while she does -- what?

If you ask me, SHE was the beard. And that tawdry dalliance with Mommy, in front of those tender little eyes and ears... what were they thinking?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Correction: I meant Pema Chodron, not Thich Nhat Hanh, who is male, in my earlier comment to Velvet. My bad. I slipped a gear.

Aisby said...

Daughter #1 has been singing "God Rescue Merry Gentlemen" I really like her version better. They're either lost and need rescuing (because they wouldn't stop and ask for directions). Or they're too damned happy and need to chill out for a while.

Pickled Olives said...

Amazing what one realizes when we stop and really read the words. I have NEVER done that with Christmas songs. Oh, except that one Ertha Kitt sings - you know, the one where she prostitutes herself for bling...

Open Grove Claudia said...

I'm dialing social services as we speak....

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Aisby,

That's much better. Please ask her to rewrite all the Christmas songs.

When will those darned gentlemen learn to ask directions so they don't need to be rescued?

Olives,

Santa Baby. I like her voice, but always thought of that song as the Golddigger's Ransom.

Claudia,

It's all for the best. That child will have himself a merry little Christmas in foster care.

Liz said...

Yes, what else was mommy doing with Santa?

I think the song misses the really good part of the story...you know, where mommy tells Santa how he might be her baby daddy, drags him to Maury Povich, makes him have a paternity test...and then hears, "Santa, you are NOT the father!" I think she's still crying on Maury's shoulder.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Liz,

Brilliant! The Rest of the Story. So who do you think IS the baby daddy?
(a) Elf
(b) "Daddy"
(c) Rudolf
(d) Santa's separated-at-birth evil twin, Sinbad
(e) Guy who bought Ovulating Mommy a drink
(f) Other

saby said...

Dont look at me
i wasnt even there

123Valerie said...

You know what song always creeped me out? The Teddy Bear Picnic.

Seriously, all those little bears creeping around in the woods eating sanwiches. It's not natural.

I suppose if we threw some Santa hats on the bears, it might qualify as a Christmas song. Otherwise this comment would be entirely innane, and that wouldn't be good for my reputation as a *real* writer.

Lee said...

I just hope it's all over soon!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Saby,

Alfred E. Neuman wasn't even a consideration. Nor was Howdy Doody. So no worries.

Val,

Your reputation is not besmirched, and the teddy bears are hard enough to bear :) without Santa hats.

Lee,

Amen.

Dan said...

Wow! If that was my mom in that photo, I'd be jealous that she was kissing Santa Claus as well.

All of a sudden I feel very unclean. ;)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

As well you should, Dan.

Does the name "Oedipus" mean anything to you?

Polyman3 said...

I'm bitter too. My parents actually loved each other while I was growing up. It was only later when they saw what a mess their kids were that they started hating what they created. O well.

"Later on we'll pespire when we sit on the fire..."

PS. Our forefathers created Christmas, in order to give fat hairy men employment during the holidays.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Polyman,

Nobody perspires like fat, hairy men in ermine-trimmed flannel.

Nihilistic said...

Mommy was a slut it seems!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Nihilistic,

I hate that you found out this way.

Crankster said...

This one becomes particularly funny if you shift genders--"I saw daddy kissing Santa Claus..."

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Crankster,

That changes everything. I believe you're onto something.

Jocelyn said...

Dang--I just left a comment here, except it's disappeared into Da Void, so all my gushing about your great writing is lost... Unless I posted my comment, mistakenly, to someone else's blog (too many screens open!). Anyhow, I'm applauding for your post really loudly right now.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Jocelyn,

Thank you so much!

Your blog, newly discovered, has rapidly become one of my favorites.