Sunday, December 17, 2006

All You Need Is Rocket Launchers

There is a party in the 'hood tonight. If I knew where, exactly, it would be over because I would call the cops on them. I would steal their drunken revelry faster than the Grinch stole Christmas.

They are carousing in a backyard nearby. It sounds as if they are in bed with us, they and a million bottles of booze. Booze seems to make people deaf. They are all shouting. This apparently strikes them funny. I don't know what could be hysterically funny at 4:30 a.m., but obviously I'm not in the loop. Or looped. My sense of humor, such as it is, went to bed hours ago and left me here, sleepless in San Francisco.

I've considered shouting out my window for them to SHUT UP-SHUTTHEFUCKUP. But they wouldn't hear me. Or care. I am normally a peaceful person. A real rose smeller. I have even marched for peace back in the day. I have smelled a lot of roses. But now I contemplate lobbing hand grenades at people I don't know.

Just like war.

I am impressed that I have this in me. And I do. I am filled with blind hatred for these people I have never met because they deprive me of sleep. It is not possible to co-exist with them. They need to die because it's them or me.

I have become the thing I hate most. Intolerant. But at least I'm quiet. And I'm all out of hand grenades.

Maybe a nice bottle launcher.

It's the Winter Solstice. The sun is farthest south of the equator, making it the shortest day of the year, although it feels pretty long to me right now. The Summer Solstice, when the sun is farthest north, occurs on June 24th, which happens to be my birthday, a thought that normally fills me with delight. But right now, I am at my greatest distance from a good night's sleep.

And I'm not feeling the love tonight.


Stephen said...

I sympathize.

I've found the hardest time for me to be peaceful is when I'm not.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Does enforced peacefulness count? Like when you really, really need to lay your hands on some WMD's and there just aren't any?

Odat said...

I can't stand when someone interupts my sleep!!! I would have said something...I have neighbors like that...they live in the yard duing the summer....I've asked them to keep it quiet after a certain hour.....Hope you got your rest today!!

heartinsanfrancisco said...



Does that answer your question?

katrice said...

A bullhorn for Christmas. That might do.

"This is the police. Shut up or pay with your lives!"

zorak163 said...

I'm at my worst when someone is keeping me from sleeping and when someone cuts me off and then proceeds to go under the speed limit. Other than those moments I'm a relatively peaceful person.

Nicole said...

I would've called the cops. I might have been shot today, but I would've been rested before they did it!

Bird on a Wire said...

What a bummer. I can't stand inconsiderate neighbors. One night not too long ago, the couple next door was fighting SO LOUD, so sleep was impossible. Luckily, we could hear every word of their conversation, so it kept us entertained.

Pickled Olives said...

I am with you Heart. There is nothing worse or louder than a bunch of drunks when you are trying to sleep. Hope you caught up on the rest.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


"We know you're in there. Come out with your beers up."

And then we shoot them.


The cutting off and slowing down is one of my worst things, too. I do a lot of cussing in my car.


You definitely don't want to be shot without your beauty sleep.


I take my entertainment where I find it.

Last night's soiree had zero entertainment value, though. Just a lot of demented shrieking, raucous laughter, and the ongoing sound of heavy things crashing.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Unfortunately, all of us have a dark side that is capable of reaching for hand grenades......even peaceloving, berry-picking squirrels.

Matt said...

I was going to comment about how you're the worst ahole ever but then I saw 4:30 AM and I was like, damn.

I can see partying until midnight or even 1 but after that you need to take it inside. My goodness, nobody else complained?

I once lived across the street from a Johns Hopkins U. frat house. Drove me batshit.

monicker said...

Depriving me of sleep is the quickest way to transform me into a plotting murderer. 4:30 am. Jesus. If there's a next time, call the cops.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Everybody knows squirrels have nuts. And they're not afraid to use 'em.


I'm sure someone did complain because everything stopped dead suddenly, for about 1/2 hour. Then they started up again.

Who knew I lived next door to a crack house?


The only reason I didn't was because the police require a precise address and I didn't want to get dressed and walk the streets at that hour, following my ears.

urban-urchin said...

oh I have just the thing for you!!! when we lived in the mission we had a potato cannon. it was awesome. we'd fire it off our balcony when the downstairs neighbors were too loud. we'd also fire it into the alley when the junkies would go back there to shoot up or use it as a bathroom- it was AWESOME. Loud as hell. there are plans on the internet for those....

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Feeling better?

I'd never head of a potato cannon before, so I looked it up on Wikipedia.


Louie, this may be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

mist1 said...

I have a few grenades lying around here someplace.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


I knew you'd come across.

velvet girl said...

4:30am?! It is too bad that you didn't have those grenades. Given the circumstances, I'm sure that you would be acquitted by a jury of your peers.


Le Nightowl said...

If you can't win'em, join'em... yet I know, easier said than done!
... How about trying boules quies? :)

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Unless the jury was comprised of drunken louts, too. In which case, I'd be toast.


I'm antisocial. And la grenade a main is my weapon of choice.

The Law Fairy said...


How disgusting. 4:30 am??? At my party this weekend I started asking my guests to quiet down around midnight. In my mind, midnight is about the reasonableness limit for weekends, 10:30 for worknights.

If you still want to have people over and party into the wee hours, great. But do it in a way that doesn't drive your neighbors batty.

God, how inconsiderate of them. I hate how cowardly I become in those situations, too. I always think to myself "okay, I'm going to go over and ask them to quiet down," but I always chicken out and just have a crappy next day :P

Next time maybe you should go over in the guise of wanting to join the party, and brink liquor spiked with sleeping pills* :D

*Disclaimer: I'm not actually advocating this. It's a total joke and I would never advocate drugging persons against their knowledge. Then again, if I was on your jury... let's just say that I have a very broad take on "self-defense" ;)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Law Fairy,

I hope that you and 11 other of my like-minded peers plus alternates sit on the jury when I finally surrender to my homicidal urges. Although last I heard, the defendant doesn't have a hand in jury selection, so it could get ugly.

Besides, handcuffs are tacky. I like silver or platinum jewelry, and really hate appearing in public wearing cheap accessories.