Saturday, December 23, 2006

Say What?

For weeks now, I've been hearing nothing but heartfelt wishes for everyone to have a beautiful holiday and love everybody and shit. It's beginning to get old already.

Don't they know it's all about the gift?

The upscale NYC menswear store Jack Spade removed from its holiday catalog a $40 frog-dissection kit (with a real carcass.) Can you believe some people objected?

The thing is, if you're yearning for a dead frog, nothing else will even remotely do. I sure hope Santa got mine before it became unavailable. I'm so looking forward to carving up a small animal after a nice Christmas dinner.

In further holiday developments, a 12-year old boy was arrested in South Carolina at the insistence of his mother after he defied her and opened his Christmas gift three weeks early.

Way to go, Mom. That'll teach the little miscreant a lesson he'll never forget. That kid will probably never even cross a double white line when he's old enough to drive. Oh, wait, he's doing life. He won't be driving at all. He'll certainly never defy his loving mama again. I wonder what the gift was. Probably a frog-dissection kit. The scalpel could come in handy in his new life.

24 comments:

seventh sister said...

She must have been sleeping with the deputy to get that done.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Sister,

In that case, I sure hope he didn't jump the gun on HIS present too soon.

Lex said...

Say What?!?!

Just when you think mandatory minimums make juries less likely to convict.

Way to go mom.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Lex,

Gotta love parents who eat their young.

But aren't YOU supposed to be baking 4 million cookies today?

Nihilistic said...

I hope he gets the chair!

Le Nightowl said...

Frog-dissection kit!!!
GASP
Marie

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Nihi,

The high chair? Oh, right. He's twelve. He won't fit anymore.

Marie,

For those who missed 9th grade Biology... or who really, really liked it.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

I know that some parents hate it when their children receive christmas presents with the warning "Some Assembly Required", how would they react to one that says "Some Dis-Assembly Required"?!?

Odat said...

Damn...I was going to prepare frog legs too...but the kid went and opened it and spoiled the meat!
Geeze!
Peace

Stewart Sternberg said...

Indulge this old Jew...let me offer you this greeting, although Christmas greetings certainly have a way of getting old....

I hope you enjoy this holiday. I wish peace to you and your's. I look forward to continue reading this blog and getting to know you better through it.

Peace

Open Grove Claudia said...

Dissect a frog.... get into med school. Dissect a present too early... get 10 to life.

Some how that makes sense. I'm just not sure how.

djn said...

Well, that'll teach him about the Christmas spirit! Way to go, Mom.

(what a moron...)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Squirrel,

Most toys can be disassembled in hours, days at the outside, by children.

Odat,

Well, I know it was tough but you did the right thing. We can't have those brats spoiling our holiday dinner, can we?

Stewart,

L'chaim. Jesus was Jewish, and so were my parents. Kind wishes for peace and happiness never get old. I wish you the same.

Claudia,

Let's ask the Muppets. "One of these things is not like the others, one of these things does not belong."

Well, that was no help. They're all chained in a van, wearing prison stripes. Opened their presents too early. Uh oh.

Djn,

What a control freak. I shudder to think of how his toilet training went with such a mother.

Michael C said...

What shall we get that lady for Mother's Day. I stopped by to wish you a Merry Christmas, but I won't now because I didn't bring a gift ;-)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Michael,

Ah, but your mere presence is a gift. Scratch that. What I meant to say was, couldn't you go home and get it? I'll wait.

Happy Christmas to you, your wife, and Lucy and Ethel.

Dan said...

Susan, thanks for putting a big smile on my face. Happy Christmas! Love to you and your family. Dan

Bob said...

Ho, Ho, fricken' Ho. I'll bet Wally world is still open. go to the sport's section and get a hunting knife and then go by the grocery section and buy a fryer. It's not quite the same, but maybe it'll do.

And a crappy christmas to you too!

Le Nightowl said...

It's just that French people are sometimes (often?) called... "frogs", I wouldn't enjoy being dissected :)))

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Dan!

Love back! And many smiles...

Bob,

Santa, is that YOU? It probably tastes like chicken anyway.

Marie,

Oh, of course. I didn't think of that. Being of small imagination, I've always just called French people French people, or sometimes, the French.

I can see why you'd be upset. Luckily you can't see me giggling.

urban-urchin said...

I personally think the kit should be opened PRIOR to eating so that you will have new found knowledge on the art of carving.

Merry Christmas Hearts have a wonderful holiday, full of love. (wink).

Pickled Olives said...

Ohhh, neat! And it comes with its own frog???

Cheese and Crackers!!!! That mom should be tarred and feathered. And what state judge doesn't throw that case out??? How does a 12 yr old go to jail? FOR openening presents? Crap.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Urchin.

Well, I suppose that could be useful if you're carving frogs. I wonder how many frogs it takes to feed a family of four.

I hope your holiday was perfect and loving, also. (Got something in your eye?)

Olives,

Yes. Its own DEAD frog.

There has to be more to the story than was reported. The court system is supposed to protect us from our own stupidity.

An explosive said...

I heard about the boy and that Mother should have her head examined! It's sad. I know you have had enough of all the well wishes but... Wising you and your family a Very Merry Christmas and a Very Happy, Healthy, Joyous New Year filled with lots of love and laughter!

Thanks for all your kind words and the time you spen reading my journal it's much appreciated! Thanks again ~M

ps. is that disection kit for real? sick sick sick... like biology class wasn't enough!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

My heart,

Thank you for the good wishes. Such good thoughts are always welcome, even if I'm trying to be a badass.

I was that convincing, huh? :<)

I hope your holiday was a beautiful one, too.