Saturday, December 02, 2006

A Boy Named Sue


I wish person or persons unknown would stop sending me penis enlargement e-mails. Despite the fact that I recently changed my internet carrier, they have already found me.

I do not have a penis. Even a small one. I am quite happy that way. My name is Susan. That should be a hint.

I looked up these devices online. They look exceedingly painful. It is hard to believe that size matters that much to anyone. What is more, it is unlikely that I will grow a penis anytime soon. That is not in the plans. No matter what you manufacturers of torture equipment may think, I am not saving your contact information against the day it is necessary to make my life better. Or bigger.

I do not care to make hot chicks moan all night. Trust me on this. I am serious. You are wasting your time and energy on me because I will never be your customer. I guarantee it.

Can you say "f-e-m-a-l-e," children? I knew you could.

30 comments:

Le Nightowl said...

This is what is called a "disclaimer" I believe? :)
... you certainly don't need any humour-enlarging device, ma chère!
This post is a total hoot!
Merci :)
Marie

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Marie,

A disclaimer, you say. Oui, certainlement.

I just checked. I still don't have one. Ou l'ombre d'une chance.

katrice said...

Bravo!! I hate getting those e-mails! We certainly don't want to see horny chicks or have ANYthing enlarged. Amen, Sister!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Katrice,

Do they not Look At the names of people they send these ads to?

Evidently not.

And their descriptions of the responses I can expect from lovely ladies if I get a whopper wanger makes me ashamed to be a woman. Please, spare me.

Anonymous said...

I sometimes receive promises that I will be able to "ejaculatte" (it's a kind of Starbucks coffee, I think) faster if I buy their product, a promise I find fascinating. And I frequently receive stock tips that I would undoubtedly give more credence to if every word in the missive wasn't misspelled.

There is no "they" to check the name of the addressee. It's just a program that randomly sends email to anyone and everyone. I just have to wonder if there's a single person on the planet, male OR female, who has ever purchased any of these products as a result of these kinds of emails.

Thailand Gal said...

I get offers to mortgage the house I don't own. Oh, and someone has a 10.5M inheritance waiting for me, too, for a minimal fee. There are offers for Vi*a/g*ra and all sorts of wonderful implements each day. And, oh yes, occasionally someone offers to enlarge my non-existent p*en*is. Ain't spam wonderful? :)


Peace,

Thailand Gal, who, yes, is a rather odd breed ~ but not intersexed.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Anonymous,

If Starbucks only knew...!

Yes, there is nothing quite like misspelled and ungrammatical ads to build confidence in a product. My favorites are the permanent signs above storefronts with the business name misspelled, and I'm not talking about cutesy intentional "kut 'n' kurl" type names.

While I do actually realize that nobody is at the helm, there ought to be. It's just wasteful to offer penile enlargement products to people with names like Susan.

Chani,

I get all of those as well. Mortgaging the building in which I rent an apartment is particularly tempting.

You're not intersexed? Really? Well, now, I find that very odd.

mist1 said...

Crap, I guess I've been wasting money on those products then. I thought that if I took them maybe his would grow.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Mist,

Try Miracle-Gro. My orchids have the biggest stamens around.

urban-urchin said...

I get those and these stupid ass emails with stock tips and the lovely emails from some son of a deposed African dictator needing to 'borrow' my bank account. I hate spam. Spammers are evil.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Urchin,

They are, indeed, evil. And cynical, like the ones that pretend to be Christian. I've been spammed by Christian debt consolidation, Christian dating, Christian war-mongering, Christian car sales, Christian Boy Scouts, and Christian food and clothing.

Who are they kidding?

I'm waiting for the Christian murder-for-hire and the Christian English Channel swimmers to solicit my meager funds.

Bwahahaha!!!!!!

Jennifer said...

I get the same male directed spam, and it's quite confusing. Funny, but confusing. Alarming, even maybe.

"Any drug to keep your girl" is perhaps the most disturbing of them all, on so many levels.

kim said...

i thought i was the only one!!
i wouldnt feel so bad if i could spam them back with some porn or something :)

ps...im around i swear! lol

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Jennifer,

Well, that does rather trivialize women, doesn't it?

Kim,

There you are! Good! I fixed the link. It was to a post a month or so back and not your home page. Weird but true.

Pendullum said...

I get them all the time... and especially with the monikker of Pendullum...
Can you imagine how many I receive?????

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Pendullum,

I see your um, point.

Michael C said...

Very funny. A boy named sue is one of my all time favorite songs. I've started getting spam emails at work. I have no idea how, but I get more of them than actually work related email. Come to think of it, maybe that's not such a bad thing...

Blondie said...

Sometimes I feel violated when my eyes read the message headings in my bulk mailbox. Some are SO gross. But I mostly get the African who needs my bank account. I once wrote back a big F-YOU! But that didn't work. ;)

I don't have a penis either, but they like to send me those englargment ads. I wonder WHO RESPONDS?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Michael,

Well, yeah, that's a no-brainer. You don't have to DO anything about spam. Funny how it's so annoying at home, but serves as an amusing distraction at work.

Blondie,

I wonder, too, who responds to these things. Somebody must or they wouldn't keep sending them. But if people of our persuasion are getting them, those selling such products are not big (ahem) on market research.

Thanks for your visit.

Maricopa Mark said...

"hard to believe"

Freudian slip?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Mark,

No, not Freudian.

I can always count on you to come up with something provocative, though.

Odat said...

As open minded as I think I am, when I see "penis enlargement" on my screen at work, it gives me pause...lol...I quickly look around to see if anyone is seeing me read this, as if I'm looking at porn or sompin....lmao.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Odat,

Do you think anyone suspects you don't have one?

I like to think my penislessness is a well-kept secret, but obviously, they're onto me (so to speak) as witness all the big dick ads I get.

Have you noticed how they Never offer to make vaginas bigger? Smaller, maybe, but never bigger.

Curiouser and curiouser.

Dan said...

I wish person or persons unknown would stop sending me penis enlargement e-mails.

Please forward them to me Sweetie. I'm doing some comparative shopping at the moment.

Much obliged.

Pickled Olives said...

So... I am guessing you don't want a penis enlarger.ment.pill...

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Dan,

Coming right up! Sweetie.

Olives,

I can't take pills.

PARLANCHEQ said...

I'm glad I'm not the only female who gets tons of penis enlargement emails. I thought maybe they were trying to tell me something. ;)

Cece said...

LMAO!

I love the junk I get that's called Christian Debt Consolodation. What happens if I'm not a Christian? Do they not assist Mormons?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Parlancheq,

I've had a bunch more of them since I posted this. I can't imagine what they're trying to tell us, but I resent the intrusion.

When I want a penis, I'll go to the damn penis store.

Cece,

I'm sure you'll have to convert if you want their help.

I wonder if there's a Christian penis store.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I just got TWO MORE of these damn things. One offers to help me gain at least 3 1/2 inches, the other promises that she'll love me more than any other guy.

LEAVE ME ALONE!!
AAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!