Monday, October 09, 2006

My Crime Spree


I almost did a drive-by on the way home. I spotted a woman wearing a red leather jacket that looked delicious. She was about my size so it seemed like a safe bet it would fit me.

Naturally my thoughts turned to mugging her. I mentioned this splendid idea to Flip, who said it would be worth it to watch me kick the crap out of someone. Guys have no soul. I replied that I would prefer NOT to hurt her, and would only do so if I had no choice.

The jacket looked as if it invented red.

I ogled it some more.

"We can do this the hard way or the easy way," I would say. "Take off the jacket realllll slow and show me the label so I can tell if it's any good."

Red is tricky that way.

Of course if it wasn't up to my standards and I let her keep it, she would never wear it again. What woman would wear something that was rejected by a mugger?

The red leather jacket winked at me as she kept walking. It wanted me bad. The light changed and I gave it one more fervent gander before it waltzed out of my life forever.

That woman will never know how close she came to seeing God today.

27 comments:

monicker said...

Hee-hee! Red does that to me, too, although I've never been able to go through with the actual mugging.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Monicker,

Well, I think that's what separates the women from the girls. I really wanted to, but as my mother always said, "The roads of hell are paved with good intentions."

I.am.such.a.failure.

And I still don't have a red leather jacket.

katrice said...

You are so bad. You deserve one red leather jacket with a good label! But at a bargain price.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Katrice,

Exactly. I would consider that a Very Good Price. :)

Michael C said...

As I read your post, I kept hearing the song "Lady in Red" in the background...it was the strangest thing!

kim said...

first your flippin birds and now youre thinking about mugging ...tsk tsk lol

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Michael,

Now you've got me hearing it. Here's the thing. I KNOW it would have looked better on me. Trust me on this. I'm a woman. We know these things.

Kim,

Hell in a handbasket for sure. Maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis. Only how do we know, exactly, where the middle is?

Kids. They grow up and break your heart. Sorry, Mom.

mist1 said...

We can still handle this. I saw her at IKEA.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Mist,

Well, then, it probably wasn't a designer jacket. :(

I feel so much better now. :)

Odat said...

Oh I'd kill for soft red leather!!!Why is it that we never see these things when we're shopping for them...just on others????
Peace

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Odat,

Mmm hmmm. I hear ya, sister. Or else when we do see something perfect in a store, the only one they have is the wrong size or it costs 14 gazillion dollars.

I could have a great wardrobe if I were (a) richer ((b) taller (c) a more devout shopper (d) -(K) are all richer, too.

Kevin Charnas said...

HHAA!!

snicker-snicker-snicker.

she had no idea it was her lucky day...

An explosive said...

lol...

Well you have red jacket envy and I have hair envy... lol.

How I would love to snatch a perfect head of hair off of a non suspecting girl... to cover my wild hair! M... I feel glad I am not alone.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Kevin,

The Lord works in strange ways. :)

My heart,

Wild hair, you say. Let's not even go there. Mine is unashamedly anarchic and hasn't an ounce of cooperative spirit. It does keep me warm, though, and so far, it hasn't strangled me in my sleep. For which I'm grateful.

I just saw an unknown journalist on the news wearing a Red Leather Jacket. A really good one. She was only on for a second and then Katie Couric came back. I just happened to glance that way since I'm otherwise occupied. I think the gods are mocking me.

Lex said...

Lordy, Lordy. What on earth has gotten into this lady??

You should have told her how much you loved it. I've heard this has worked out where the owner just hands over the coveted item many times. I say it's worth a try. It's not like you've ASKED for it or anything.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Lex,

That was a custom in many Native American tribes, but the conquistadores discarded all but the names, which they use to this day in suburban housing developments.

Pickled Olives said...

LOL! I would realy think twice before wearing something a mugger rejected. I'd slouch and hide my face with my hair as I walked about ith it on. Definitely no good.

That observance made me show a genuine smile today.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Pickled Olives,

So you think I would have done her a favor by taking the jacket? That puts things in a whole new light.

I like the way this is going...

djn said...

Heart, I'd be willing to bet that she mugged the original owner of the jacket so it wouldn't have really been a crime if you ya know, took it off her hands. It's kind of like the circle of life only with a jacket.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Djn,

I like the way you think.

PARLANCHEQ said...

Ooo, I would not have been able to hold back. I love red and a red leather jacket would just work so well with almost everything in my wardrobe. :)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Parlancheq,

It wasn't easy. It was a very nice jacket.

And now I'm quite obsessed with my bornagain need to own one just like it.

Crankster said...

My wife and I recently went shopping for a pair of comfortable shoes that she could wear to work. We considered Clarks, Bjoren-somethings (there was an umlaut in there somewhere), crocs, and a whole lot of other comfy, albeit unattractive, shoes. She found a pair of bright red, patent-leather high heels and tried to convince me that they looked really comfortable.

Lying, stealing, mugging...clearly, the color red encourages some women to commit unsavory behavior.

Tom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
heartinsanfrancisco said...

Tom,

It was only fantasy. I don't actually mug people.

How did you land on my blog post from so many years ago?

Tom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
heartinsanfrancisco said...

Tom,

Do I know you?