Sunday, October 08, 2006

Miss Demeanor


I flipped my first bird today. I have always eschewed such crudeness and vulgarity, but apparently I have it in me anyway. If I were a Congressman, I might say that I was drunk, but I don't drink. I was just crude and vulgar, and it felt WONDERFUL.

We were in heavy downtown traffic when a guy made a U-turn in his SUV, cutting us off and nearly plowing into two pedestrians seizing the day. We had begun our right turn so he stranded us in the intersection, having spotted a parking space that he couldn't get his behemoth gas guzzler into anyway.

I was a passenger, so I put my right arm out and showed him my middle finger. I flipped it three times. Vehemently. Suddenly that hand had a life of its own. I was so enchanted with my new ability that I did it again.

He raced after us and as he came alongside, he shouted, "Hey! You got something to say to me?"

"I already said it," I replied.

He whined. He actually whined. I hate it when guys do that. "I had the Right of Way because I was making a U-turn."

"That NEVER gives you the right of way," I said. "It isn't even legal." I'm pretty sure this is true even in California.

"Well, you should think twice about insulting people,'" he whimpered. He seemed a bit tearful.

Of all the buttholes in the world, I had to pick a sensitive one to insult.

"And YOU should learn to drive before you kill someone," I said. This brilliant exchange was deteriorating fast.

He blew me a kiss to show his moral superiority. I rolled up my window to retain mine.

I think from now on I'll go around giving everyone the finger. It's an idea whose time has come.

It seems I've turned a corner.

23 comments:

Lex said...

Well, congratulations!

Nihilistic said...

But I thought my SUV would fit in that spot...And I didn't see those pedestrians! ;)

katrice said...

LOL -- It would have been much more fun if the guy hadn't nearly cried and burst into song.

~Macarena~ said...

When they claim you made them feel bad, you might say, "I know, and I HATE myself!" I think I got that from House.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Lex,

Thank you. Tomorrow the world.

Nihilistic,

Well, you saw my third finger well enough. Woos.

Katrice,

What should he have sung to make your day?

Macarena,

I'll try. But I''ve never been good at faking it.

mist1 said...

I feel partly responsible for your newfound crudeness. Before, I was aware of your blog, you were polite. Now, you are vulgar. I am sort of pleased with that.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Mist,

I'm a quick study.

kim said...

thats fantastic!! your first bird!!
this is just the beginning ... lol

and its safer to pick on the stupid snivley ones than the ones that get mean and nasty , it makes it easier to retain some dignity

im just sayin lol

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Kim,

Sniveling trumps gun-toting any day.

Does this mean I can stay up late instead of hiding behind the sofa at grownup parties now?

djn said...

LOL!! I haven't yet turned that corner but you've inspired me. I look forward to it!

Lee said...

I like to wiggle my fingers at people and kinda jab my whole hand at them as if I'm cursing them (which of course, I am). They can't even really get mad. It makes them very uncomfortable. ;)

jali said...

Argh! a whiner - he deserved the finger even before making the very illegal turn.

Good for you!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Djn,

Glad I could help. Here's a secret: It's easier than you think. All these years, I never knew that.

Lee,

Let's see.. wiggle and jab... hmm. I never realized before how similar cursing and blessing gestures are. Do you think the Pope knows?

Jali,

Yeah. It was oddly liberating. Especially since he didn't shoot me.

The Law Fairy said...

Welcome to the club, heart!

And I will vouch for the bird as a much better way of making a point than, say, throwing your latte on another driver's windshield. Which a fellow driver actually did to me once.

I hope her car broke.

Lisa Joo said...

I think you're now ready to start mooning people.

urban-urchin said...

Awww. I'm so proud. sniff. you're growing up so fast!

Lee said...

I think the Pope is probably a withered up, bitter old Nazi sympathizer...so yes, I think he knows. ;)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Fairy,

I'm glad to be here.

Hurling $4.00 lattes is a particularly nasty demonstration of conspicuous consumption and road rage. I hope her car broke and she has to ride camels in L.A.

Lisa,

I'm flattered by your faith in me.

Urchin,

Well, my finger is. I'm not so sure about the rest of me.

Lee,

He probably invented the gesture then.

curmudgeon said...

See what you've been missing all your life?!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Curmudgeon,

I will make up for lost time, now that I've found my true calling.

PARLANCHEQ said...

I flip the bird far too often when I'm driving. Then afterwards I always worry that the person in the other car will whip out a gun and shoot me. But I guess that sort of thing only happens in California. (Beware!). Around here I usually just get flipped the bird back. Creativity is apparently beyond them.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Parlancheq,

Fear of bullets can be a powerful deterrent. I have to be pretty angry to disregard personal safety these days.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Parlancheq,

It was pretty funny, though. When I noticed the flippee racing after us, I thought he might have a gun.

But no, he had a fine whine to give me.

People are sooo strange.