Open Letter to the Scabrous Vile Freeloader at Whole Foods this Afternoon:
First of all, you need to wash. With soap. Even though the bulk bins are near the fish department, it was impossible to smell the fish with you there. Body cleansers are two aisles over, on the left. Go there now.
Second: Seeing you standing there scarfing samples from all the bins with both hands, chewing with your mouth open as if it were perfectly all right to chow down on foods that Other People (remember them?) might otherwise purchase made me want to puke up a lung. What gives you the right to ruin my day like that? Because of you, I went home with only prepackaged foods. And now I have to wait a few weeks at least until Whole Foods replenishes their supplies. Until everything you tainted with your nasty ass paws is gone.
I wanted to say something to you. I stood there with my little cart for a good ten minutes staring at you with hatred and disgust while you continued to masticate loudly, as if you had every right to do so.
I'm ashamed that I didn't confront you after all, but you looked so much like an Al Qaida operative that frankly, I was chicken. I don't think you were homeless. I still wouldn't have bought the treats I came in for, but I would have had some pity. No, I could tell you have a home somewhere, a filthy, evil-smelling, dank space with bat guano dripping from the exposed beams, no doubt, but a place you call your own.
If this is your idea of eating out, you need to relax with a rat poison chaser. The Whole Foods version of this item is probably organic and biodegradable, but we can work with that. If I ever see you in that store again, I WILL rat on you to the first manager I see. And that's a promise.
10 comments:
Four posts! Just for me!
But of course. We aim to please.
I've always wondered at the expression "open letter". What makes a letter open as opposed to closed?
Anyone can read it as opposed to only the addressee.
Brilliant, thank you so much. You have solved a lifelong mystery. (Isn't it odd, sometimes, how we wonder things and never ask them? Or is that just me?)
I don't think anyone likes to admit to not knowing something. Luckily, we all know different things so if we pool our information, everybody benefits.
Indeed. If you ever have any unanswered questions about sunsqualls please come to me first.
I know very little about sunsqualls although I believe, perhaps erroneously, that they are a phenomenon of New England. Please enlighten me.
Sunsqualls are, in fact, large jellyfish, and not a weather phenomenon as some husbands would have you believe. For example, you need not "wait for this sunsquall to pass" before you go outside and collect the mail because it does not rain jellyfish in this part of the north, and neither does it rain jellyfish in New England, although I hear that it does sometimes rain clam chowder.
Dear Anon,
Thank you for clearing that up. Although I've been stung by jellyfish on occasion, I never heard the term "sunsquall" before. Of course, a sting by any other name...
I thought it was a weather phenomenon!
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