Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Acceptance Speech, Draft 2,147


I have decided to write my Academy Awards acceptance speech early this year, so I will be able to devote all of my efforts to the most important business of looking fabulous as the day gets closer.

There is no question that I am going to win everything. Why on earth would they give an award to anyone other than moi if they know what's good for them, I mean, because I am so deserving and yet, so humble. Everybody loves me, and anyone who doesn't can go eat worms.

So here, with stage directions and everything, is My Acceptance Speech:

I want to thank all the little, tiny, unimportant, truly insignificant people who have helped me get where I am today by doing nasty, yukky things for me so that I don't have to do them myself. I can't remember their names because they are really so inconsequential and frankly, boring, that I've never bothered to learn them, but I want them to know how much I appreciate their cleaning out my navel lint and my ear wax and wiping my adorable ass so I don't ever have to deal with anything icky and disgusting and can just be perfect and beautiful all the time.

I am overwhelmed with pity for all the other women in the world because, (Eyes down, demurely. Look up through lashes) they can't be me. (Rueful grin.) I just love myself so much that I can't imagine having to go through life as anyone else. (Gaze pensively over audience while hugging self to push out boobs.)

I especially want to thank my plastic surgeon for giving me this perfect body with humungous tits and an 18" waist and awesome million-dollar butt, my cosmetic dentist for my breathtakingly dazzling smile, and my dermatologist for searching and destroying every tiny flaw before it's even visible so I can remain as perfect as a mummy forever. I owe everything to you guys. (Full-on prance, toss head engagingly, hold in gut, show off bod. BEAM.)

I thank my therapist for helping me to deal with the tremendous burdens of being drop-dead gorgeous and incredibly special, and I send a big wet smooch to my faithful Cockapooch, Armageddon, for letting me dye his hair to match all my outfits.

I thank my private chef, Famina Nervosa, and my personal trainer, Monsieur de Sade, and of course, my devoted agent ( I love you, darling!) my overworked divorce lawyers, my overworked accountants and stock brokers, my brilliant hairdressers and makeup artists, manicurist, eyebrow and body waxer, and of course, God, for giving me my dewey doe eyes and for making me totally irresistible. (Gaze upward, raptly, hands in prayer position.)

Special thanks to the Church of Scientology for helping me to understand that it's okay to step on people because I'm better than they are.

(Kiss Oscar on lips.) This statue is for all of you for the really small part you each played in my enormous success and for believing in me when I was just a little girl with a big dream and a big ego. (Fight back tears. Look wistful.)

Last but not least, I thank the Academy for finally giving me the recognition I deserve -- What took you so long? (Smile fetchingly, acknowledge laughter. Pause...)

Thank you, ACTORS!!!! (Blow Dinah Shore kisses, mmuuaaaahhhhhh!!!, simper for photos, hold up statue while leaning back and pressing in with upper arms to accentuate cleavage until tits nearly pop out of gown. Do this for as long as possible until removed from stage. Continue to smile radiantly as I return to my seat. Note: Be sure to Vaseline teeth so lips won't stick.)

61 comments:

An explosive said...

OH! I love this! Wouldn't it be great if someone got up there and spoke the truth! lol!!! love it love it love it!

All the best! ~M

Thanks for the wonderful comments! I make jewelry as well! We should post photos!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

My heart,

I don't think that most of these people have the slightest concept of truth.

I'd love to see pix of your jewelry.

Kevin Charnas said...

You're evil.

AND I LOVE IT!! Love it.

Hey, have you ever seen "The Island" with Ewan McGregor and...and...I forget her name. Anyway, this all kind of reminded me of that. We saw it last night and it kind of freaked me out...because I could see it really happening.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Kevin,

Why, thank you. I aspire to be truly evil, and it's good to be recognized for it.

I haven't seen "The Island," but will check it out. Your recommendations are always great.

Lee said...

You are seriously fucking brilliant.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Lee,

Look who's talking.

My mood and wellbeing depend upon whether or not you have posted a new letter to someone.

Pickled Olives said...

This is great! Can I copy Lee? (I'm not in jeopardy of losing cool points right?!)You Are Brilliant!!!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Olives,

Thank you! You will never lose any coolness points with me.

urban-urchin said...

oh sweetie you have NO idea. the stories I could tell you about these people.... let's just say you're pretty much right.on.the.money....

Sven said...

If the Oscars don't work out it seems you would fit right in as an American Idol contestant. At least after watching tonight's episode. ;-)

BTW, thanks for the inspiration.

mist1 said...

In the event that you don't win the award, can I borrow this speech?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Urchin,

Just a wild hunch.

Sven,

Now I wish I'd seen it. In case I need a back-up plan.

Mist,

I suppose you want to borrow my humungous boobs, too.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

heart,
remember the little squirrels and the assorted nuts when you are rich and famous.

Jay said...

Truly beautiful, but I dare say that the orchestra probably would have cut you off before you got to the end - what then? I'm all for a taffeta hissy fit.

furiousBall said...

I just want to thank you for putting up with being so awesome.

Christina_the_wench said...

Such humility. I will strive to be more like you!

*looks down and realizes a push-up bra is desperately needed, as is a full body make-over*

Thailand Gal said...

Very funny! I never watch those shows but the speeches that will be excerpted for days afterward will be just like this. I'm sure of it. LOL


Peace,

~Chani

Kevin Charnas said...

Hey, by the way, you do know that I mean "Evil" in a good way, right? Because, actually your post is only telling the truth - and you've weaved it wonderfully because, you know...if you're going to tell people the truth, you'd better make them laugh.

jali said...

I love it too! Sooo many I can think of who could say all of that. I'l bet Alan Smithee would love this too!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Squirrel,

I will always remember the nuts I came from.

Jay,

I can speak really loud.

Furious,

You're welcome.

Christina,

Many are called. Few are chosen.

Chani,

I never watch either. My sunglasses have mirrors on the insides.

Kevin,

Dahling, I'm a STAR. I don't care what they call me as long as they pay attention. It's allllll good.

Jali,

Alan directed my movie. He'll wish he'd used his own name when I win.

Dan said...

Sniff ... sniff ...

This was so freaking beautiful!

Oh my God! I hope you win. I really do. You are love. You are the world. You are the ones who make a brighter day. So let's start giving.

(Reaching for the Kleenex.)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Dan,

I cannot deny it. I AM so freaking beautiful. I am love. I am the world. I am everybody's billboard announcing that life is good.

Thank you for noticing.

flipped out said...

Honey, that is some sick shit!
But coming from a show-biz family, I can say, you're not stretchin' the truth at all. In fact, they should call it the Oscar Mayer award.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

You callin' me a HAM, Mr. Flip? I Don't Think So.

Have your people call my people, and we'll see about that.

Anonymous said...

Throw in some names, and you are golden.

Jocelyn said...

Famina Nervosa. Heeheehee.

thethinker said...

I can see your speech getting cut off somewhere around the second paragraph by the music so I guess it's good that you thanked the tiny, unimportant people first.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Roonie,

But then it wouldn't be about ME.

Jocelyn,

I have to confess, I giggled hysterically when I thought of that name.

Thinker,

I'm magnanimous that way.

Stewart Sternberg said...

We like you, we really like you.

I enjoyed this..I think I like you best when your writing is tinged with an edge of cynicism.

Lex said...

I was just in Hollywood this weekend. You just put it all back into perspective.

You're hilarious, Lady. (Chef Famina Nervosa)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Stewart,

Cynical? Moi? Hmmm, who knew?

Lex,

Famina excels at creating something out of nothing. Omelette de l'Air, Gnat Gizzard Flambee, and The Empress's New Souffle is to die for. It's very light because there's nothing in it. She's writng a cookbook called "The Cupboard Was Bare."

Odat said...

OMG..thank you for putting down on paper so wonderfully what I've always thought about when I watch those idiots.......that was great!!!!! Awesome!
Peace

velvet girl said...

*standing ovation*

That speech was fabulous and so are you! But you know that already, don't you, daaaahling? *air kiss, air kiss*

-velvet

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Odat,

It was a rough job, but someone had to do it.

Velvet,

Air kissees back, dahhhhling.

Ryane said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That was hilarious. And awesome. I would love it if someone did this...I think the closest I have ever heard was the woman from Law & Order...who thanked her divorce lawyer.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Ryane,

I missed that one. But where would Hollywood be without their divorce lawyers?

Lee said...

I apologize if this comment posts twice. I'm hoping you'll send me the link to your post about your father, the gun and your dog. I started a new blog "My Favorite Posts" so that I can keep all my favorites close. Your writing touched me! Can I link it?

The blog is My Favorite Posts.

My email is studio.twenty.three@gmail.com

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Lee,

Of course. I'm flattered and touched that you liked it. Many of your posts are my favorites.

I don't know how to create links or, as Le Nightowl determined, I can't do it because I'm still in Old Blogger. However, that post, entitled "King Dad" posted on November 9th.

Your wonderful story about your boys and the poor girl with "chicken pox" made me think of another post I did on October 23rd, called "When My Name Was Mommy." I'm pretty sure you commented on that one.

I can't wait to read your new blog since your other two are special delights which I relish.

Lee said...

Thank you dear. That story made me feel all over again. Beautiful!

katrice said...

Famina Nervosa cracked me up!

When asked what was for dinner, my mother-in-law's standard answer to her kids was "wind chips and nuttin' balls."

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Lee,

I checked out your newest blog. Odat's post was a terrific choice. She has a great sense of humor.

Katrice,

Ah, another anorexic chef. There are probably a lot of them out there, starving themselves and their families.

Michael C said...

Great post! I am so glad I voted for you. oops, cat's outta the bag
;-)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Michael,

That gold lame' dress I almost had on got me a lot of votes. Thanks for noticing.

I am not Star Jones said...

excellent -- because these actors are
as certifiable as we presume them to be.


now can you write a post about the people who weren't nominated and are blaming everyone from George Bush to a cashier at In 'N Out for their stolen nomination?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Not Star,

I thought George Bush WAS a cashier at In'n' Out. My mistake. But I'm sure it's his fault anyway.

Le Nightowl said...

I was expecting a "Refusal Speech" :)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Marie,

Oh, no. I want this award. I NEED this award. It's all about making millions per movie and creative control, and of course, getting the best table at Spago's.

Liz said...

Oh that's funny and too true, too true. I always love it when they thank God after winning for the most graphically violent or sexually hedonistic performances

Bird on a Wire said...

I would love to see this at the ceremony! I often wonder what it would be like if I gave an acceptance speech (which is kind of embarrassing to admit), but I highly doubt that any acceptance speech that takes place in my little fantasy land where I'm a celebrity would be as honest as this one.

Old Scrote said...

Who's Oscar? Out here in my cold windy British fenland village, Oscar is the name of Dan Coulson's prize ferret.
Sometimes, you know, I feel a little cut off.....

Brooklyn Frank said...

brilliant. muchos kudos!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Liz,

Well, much of the violence in the history of the world has been caused by religious zeal. I suppose it's not too much of a stretch.

Bird,

You're not a celebrity? Your secret is safe with me. And if you need help with your speech, don't hesitate to call.

Jake,

Ah, you dear Englishman. "Oscar" is the nickname given to the statues awarded in the Academy Awards ceremonies.

Frank,

Muchas gracias! And thanks for visiting.

The Law Fairy said...

This is awesome.

I kind of reminds me of Mike Myer's presentation for some random technical award I can't recall. He came out and sarcastically said that the name in the envelope would send SHOCKWAVES through the industry!! It was awesome and hilarious, but people got mad that he was admitting that no one really cared about the little guy. We can't have people realizing the Emperor has no clothes, now.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Law Fairy,

The Emperor has no clothes? Omigod. This changes everything.

Open Grove Claudia said...

I know that I can hardly stand myself because I'm not you. Gratefully, I don't have a house full of crap in a storage locker either.... Oh right, that's not you, that's Paris Hilton.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Claudia,

Paris Hilton is a very disturbed person. It's impossible to care, though.

Janna said...

I hear Famina Nervosa has a new cookbook out...
(Well, really more of a pamphlet...)

Beautiful speech. Fame suits you. :)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Janna,

Yes, it does. Suit me. Fame.

And her cookbook is more of a single page, really. A pamphlet has implications of a lot more food than is going down there.

Thanks for your visit. Glad I found your verycool blog.

Marie said...

Great post. Thanks for visiting my blog.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Marie,

I enjoyed it. Your blog is a good place to be.

RJS said...

Literally, laughing out loud! Loved this post. I never watch those stupid shows. I deeply despise the following: the fake posturing, the enormous egos, and the insincere speeches.