Friday, January 19, 2007

Furniture for Lovers

I found it! I found the place where hookers buy their furniture. It's all there -- the round, fur-trimmed king-sized bed dripping semen, the love seat shaped like lips, the chairs that look like high-heeled shoes in hot pink or leopard print, the chaise lounge with 12-foot long tongue. Rolling Stones Lips, um, comes, to mind here.

Now I know where my neighbor, Next-Door Whore, buys her stuff.

I went in and browsed. I was giggling uncontrollably. Snorting a little. The salesman looked as serious as a pimp on payday. I tried to stop. I really tried. Couldn't.

"Omigod, teehee, would ya look at that?"

He wanted to throw me out, but he had real customers. An old man draped in Italian silk who still managed to resemble an unmade bed with a woman of indeterminate age in painted-on capris and nylon halter topped by a fur jacket, probably weasel. She was wearing 8" heels, which made her taller than anyone in the store except my husband, who was trying to hush me without putting his hand over my mouth in public. I used to be an embarrassment to my parents. Now I'm an embarrassment to my husband. I am consistent.

The other couple was looking at The Bed. In the window. I loitered and would not be distracted because I thought they were going to try it out. In the window. And I wanted to be there when they did. With my camera.

The woman clattered noisily into the display and sat on the bed. She bounced a little on her butt that was showing the tiniest bit of discreet crack. I was trying to see her shoes. I wanted to know if they actually had round heels. I almost fell into her lap.

"Can.I.Help.You," growled the salesman. He did not smile. I did not feel welcome.

"Oh, no. I'm just looking," I chirped sweetly. I used my "Puppy, puppy, good puppy" voice. Her heels were not round. You should not believe everything you hear.

23 comments:

thethinker said...

You should buy the high heel chair. It would be a nice addition to any living room, I'm sure. Did you try any the furniture out?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Thinker,

No. The most interesting pieces were in the windows, with the lovely "bridal couple." It didn't seem fair to divert the lone salesman from his live ones.

djn said...

I'm a fairly simple person -- don't wear a lot of patterns and my furniture is simple too. But I gotta say, I do love that lip love seat.

meno said...

I'm going to redo my house. The lips loveseat is lucious.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Djn,

It does have a certain ... redness ... about it. It would be like living in a pop art comic strip.

Meno,

Guess I'd better start taking orders. One for you, one for Djn. Do I hear a three? Anyone? Going, going, GONE.

urban-urchin said...

where is this whore store??

I actually had a friend from college who when she was furnishing her first post college apt went for that kinda thing. She too, was a slut. A slut with a heart of gold and an unnatural love of purple velvet and animal skins (seriously)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Urchin,

Apparently a love of purple velvet and animal skins is not so unnatural. Though it ought to be.

The store, whose actual name I can't remember, is on Folsom near 9th Street. If your friend lives in SF, she probably knows the place. Does she has a grimy old "friend" who wears Italian silk suits?

Crankster said...

But was her back well-padded?

In other news, is it bad to admit that I love the lips chairs?

Le Nightowl said...

This sounded like a blast!
I don't think pulling a camera out of your purse would have been an option, under the circumstances, so I presume the pictures are not yours :)
... the couch looks rather comfy!
Marie

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Crankster,

She was padded a bit more than she needed to keep warm this winter.

Those "kiss" love seats are going fast. I'll send you one, too.

Marie,

I did take pictures of the stuff in the windows, but the glare made them less usable than the ones I found online. Flip also took some with a Polarizer, but they haven't been developed yet. We really need to get a good digital camera.

Le Nightowl said...

I never take pictures in shops (I confess I hate shopping), I'm too shy to ask... :)
And sometimes you can "feel" taking pictures would be a bad idea altogether!

katrice said...

"serious as a pimp on payday"

Hilarious!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Marie,

That's why I only took them from outside. I put my camera away when we went in.

Katrice,

Guessing wildly. In the movies, pimps always seem deadly serious about collecting "their" money.

An explosive said...

lol... Well I would have been laughing and snickering right along with you! What is wrong with people? lol ~M

heartinsanfrancisco said...

My heart,

What is wrong with people? Do you want that alphabetically, chronologically, or haphazardly?

Cece said...

Hey, that's where my alter ego shops!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Cece,

You must look good in your red dress on that lipshaped love seat.

Liz said...

Thank you for taking those photos because that furniture is off the hook ridiculous! It looks like the kind of stuff they use to decorate bad reality shows.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Liz,

Are there good reality shows, then?

PARLANCHEQ said...

Hmm, I kind of like the lips loveseat. Does that make me a hooker? ;)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Parlancheq,

That depends on what you do in it.

Odat said...

OMG...LMAO....I would have laughed and laughed and been thrown out too....
Peace

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Odat,

You should have been there. Together, we could have taken the guy and had our way with the lipseat.