Friday, January 19, 2007

Dolphin$


I don't want to brag, but I know the Dolphin Ambassador. It's true. She is a self-described "vehicle for the energy and consciousness of dolphins." She offers classes and individual healing sessions in which "pod mind" is experienced. She teaches people "how to be in conscious co-creatorship with the dolphins to enhance their daily life."

It is also possible to experience Dolphin Energy Sessions by phone. Another offering is the Deep Dive Series, which consists of 10 sessions at $600 per session. ("The dolphins recommend a minimum of 10 sessions to experience maximum benefits from their energy.")

I asked her how it was possible to swim with dolphins as she lives in Sedona, Arizona, which, the last time I looked, was landlocked.

She said, "It isn't necessary to swim with them. I am their Ambassador."

Oh.

"Weddings with dolphin love & joy" are also available, as well as aromatherapy sessions and speaking engagements. My favorite product in the line is Dolphin Heart Essence. "Formulated by the dolphins, this essential oil blend carries the frequency of the dolphin heart."

I picture dolphins in white coats working in their lab down in Davy Jones' Locker. And I clutch my purse strings very tightly lest "the dolphins" decide to divest me of my cash by hypnosis or psychokinesis.

When I was a child, my family owned a 34 foot cabin cruiser on which we took long vacations. On one such trip between Long Island, NY, and Nantucket Island, MA, a hurricane came up on Block Island Sound. The boat was pitching and being tossed upside down for hours in the dark.

I was in the cabin below deck, nose pressed to a small round porthole, from which I had an excellent view of the insides of waves. My parents were unable to read their charts, and it didn't look good for my family.

Suddenly, two dolphins appeared by the bow of our boat. My father had the good sense to follow them, and they led us through the stormy seas into port at Nantucket. We tied up between two commercial fishing boats, driven into shore several days early by the ferocity of the storm, which had come up with no warning. The fishermen gave my parents fresh scallops, which my mother cooked in our tiny galley for them and our family.

Dolphins are, indeed, magnificent and highly intelligent, magical animals. I wonder how they feel about being exploited in a get-rich-quick scheme that does not benefit their species, or any species but the one called Charlatan.

43 comments:

thethinker said...

I get to be first to comment twice in a row! Lucky me.

On the subject of your post... Dolphin Ambassador? Dolphin Energy Sessions? People do stuff like this... in real life?

I reccomend therapy for this lady.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Thinker,

Lucky me, you mean.

Depends on how you define "real life."

Really, she's raking it in. There must be a lot of people out there with gullible minds and overstuffed wallets.

I'm pretty sure her therapy of choice is retail therapy.

velvet girl said...

Great story from your childhood. Fantastic!

Dolpin Ambassador? Just when I'd thought I'd heard it all.

-velvet

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Velvet,

Yes, it's amazing how many opportunities my children had not to be born. Luckily, they were.

Steven Novak said...

You know the dolphins are getting some sweet kick-backs. ;)

Steve~

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Steve,

Or at least some good laughs.

Michael C said...

I've always felt that dolphins and whales were biding their time until they feel it's appropriate to take back the world.

In fact, I've already picked the display I want to be placed into captivity in when they exact their revenge. It's at Sea World right across from the open-air BBQ grill.

Thailand Gal said...

It's too bad they can't speak up and tell us, isn't it?

People who have weird titles for themselves like "ambassador for the dolphins" automatically get rolling eyes from me. I know someone who considers himself to be "councillor (misspelling his) for earth" to the aliens.

No. I am not kidding! The guy is dead serious.


Peace,

~chani

djn said...

Do you know the difference between dolphins and porpoises (sp?)? I don't. I just remember when I was little and saw a dolphin, I was always corrected and told that's no dolphin. It's a porpoise.

Like I cared...

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Michael,

I will need my computer, art, music, many books and a movie theatre. My bicycle. They should not throw me raw fish unless it's sushi.

Chani,

"Councillor for earth to the aliens." I hope they take him first. Darwin would approve.

Djn,

Porpoises are smaller with spatulate teeth, while dolphins have cone-shaped teeth and beaks. They have a triangular dorsal fin; dolphins have curved ones. Porpoises are less acrobatic and more wary than dolphins, and are rarely captured for zoo exhibits.

urban-urchin said...

I was on a waverunner a few years ago off the coast of charleston s.c. when two dolphins started swimming alongside me out of nowhere. It was very cool. It didn't make me any less afraid of the fish in the ocean but it was awesome none the less.

How sad it is to hear that woman is making lots of money. What a scam artist.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Urchin,

I've never ridden a wave runner, but I have been to Charleston, a beautiful and charming city.

Dolphins are quite interested in human activity. I've had them approach me while body surfing, and when I lived in San Diego, there was one who often kept pace with me as I walked for miles along the beach.

As P.T. Barnum said, "There's a sucker born every minute."

The Law Fairy said...

I doubt the dolphins like being exploited.

However, they can live in the comfort of knowing they'll make it off the planet before it's destroyed by the Vogons. As the second most intelligent species on the planet, they're leaps and bounds ahead of us humans. Maybe if we give them enough fish they'll let us in on the secrets of intergalactic travel.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Law Fairy,

The Vogons write the third worst poetry in the gallaxy, you know.

I'm pretty sure the dolphin ambassador is not being paid in fish.

mist1 said...

I love dolphins. The first time that I saw one in person, I screamed "shark!" Then I was publicly humiliated. I am almost over it.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Mist,

And your first clue was when it didn't eat you?

Trust me. It's better to be humiliated than to be lunch.

Crankster said...

I have to believe that they're laughing at us.

"Stupid humans! The things they'll do to get food!"

urban-urchin said...

just back to ask have you read "The Hitchhickers Guide to the Galaxy?"

The bit where it says that what the dolphins are REALLY saying is "so long and thanks for all the fish." ? It makes me laugh out loud everytime I read that book.

katrice said...

The thought of dolphins in lab coats is cute! I have yet to see that movie though.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Crankster,

I think most of the other species are probably laughing at us. We are laughable.

Urchin,

It's a great book! Law Fairy referred to the Vogons, too.

Katrice,

That's because we haven't made it yet. We're having auditions for the Dolphin Ambassador on Tuesday. Be there.

katrice said...

The only role I want is as a dolphin in a lab coat. Believable?

I meant "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." My kids loved it. Kwesi hated it.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Katrice,

Come back and see us when your nose is bigger if you want the role.

I didn't see the movie, but loved the book when I read it long ago.

Stewart Sternberg said...

There are certain animals, although I think I should really say this for all animals, that inspire and give us respect and admiration for the sanctity of all life.

I love dolphins. Sleek. Elegant. Intelligent. Lively. They are magnificent. It hurts me to think how their numbers have been threated by governments unwilling to enforce strict rules on fishing or to enable new rules to keep fishermen from endangering this species.

I want to be the ambassador for dogs.

Just D said...

Dolphin Aromatherapy.. hmmmmm

I'd be the first to yell..."Does it smell like fish in here??"

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Stewart,

The sanctity of all life except certain politicians. But I digress.

Dogs are their own ambassadors. And they do a wonderful job of it.

Just D,

Something's fishy all right.

seventh sister said...

Does she really get people to pay her fees? If she does, I am going to market the Medina Toe Suck Method that I started to develop as a joke.

Pickled Olives said...

Wow, who knew the North East dolphins were nice. Lucky you!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

7th,

Medina as in the Saudi Arabian city? Please, please explain.

Of course I hope you make a killing on it, whatever it is. (Or is "killing" the wrong word?)

Olives,

Yes, I'm sure that I owe my continued existence to their compassion.

Le Nightowl said...

I don't think one could ever find a single person who would not love dolphins.

Marie

"Man has always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much... the wheel, New York, wars and so on... while all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man... for precisely the same reason."
Douglas Adams

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Marie,

Truth is where you stand to look at a thing.

jali said...

There's a 3 book series by Joan Vinge that begins with "The Snow Queen" that I thought of when reading your post. The creature in her story are called "Mers", but they are highly intelligent sea creatures that are vital to the health of a planet.

I have to go home and reread now.

Thanks for the great post.

furiousBall said...

This reminds me of a sketch on MadTV a few years ago, the Air Guitar store.

People that spend $600 on dolphin therapy should be given a bumper sticker that says "fuck the hungry"

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Furious,

The whole thing reminds me of "The Emperor's New Clothes."

Your bumper sticker could be paired with "Homeless People Stink" and "I (heart) Me." There is no limit to the anti-social welfare slogans we could create.

Open Grove Claudia said...

I love that you were saved by Dolphins. That's a lovely story. Your parents though.... I am grateful you survived!

Maybe we should become ambassadors to the blogosphere - I don't think there is one yet.... could net us a few bucks.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Claudia,

"Louie, this may be the beginning of a beautiful friendship." You have great ideas!

I am grateful, too, that I survived. And also surprised sometimes.

seventh sister said...

Medina as in the Medina River, the most beautiful place in Texas. The Method has to do with facilitating healing using those little straw woven tubes from Mexico that you stick a finger in each end of and then try to pull them out....Oh no! I've said too much. Don't want to give away the secret.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

7th,

Don't worry. It went way over my head. It does sound more healing than sticking ones fingers in electrical cords, though. I hope you make millions.

PARLANCHEQ said...

Proves that the more off-the-wall and highly implausible scheme you can dream up, the more people will be suckered in.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Parlancheq,

They say if you tell a big enough lie often enough, people will believe you.

Unless maybe she really IS the dolphin's ambassador. It's her word against -- whose?

Odat said...

The dolphins will get her someday!
Peace

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Odat,

Well, lady, that's a very peaceful sentiment.

I hope you're right.

Brian said...

rose water

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Brian,

No, you dummy. You give a lady ROSES, not the water they're standing in.