Saturday, January 27, 2007

Judge Judy, Hear My Plaint

We've established that I'm sick. I didn't go to the doctor but I wish I had because now it's the weekend. I do not want to go to the hospital.

Flip has decided that he is feeling poorly, for which he needed to buy large quantities of Crown Royal and beer. He said it would make me feel better. I do not drink. At all. Yes, I know I'm messed up. That is not relevant here.

It is now 8:45 p.m. We have had nothing to eat today but an English muffin and a package of microwave popcorn, both prepared by me. I just put on a pot of sushi rice because it was all I could manage. I washed an entire sink full of yesterday's dishes, getting my pajamas wet in the process. The red ones. The floor, too. I muttered the whole time. Flip said that I have great comedic timing. This made me angrier.

"I'm the one who's sick here. You're supposed to be taking care of ME." He laughed some more as he swigged his Heineken. I'm sure it was guilty laughter. He was trying to charm me into a better mood so I would laugh, too, and his guilt would dissolve magically in the steamy, germ-filled kitchen. It didn't work.

I don't like to be competitive here, but only one illness to a family, and I got there first. Any more than that is a recipe for disaster. It is also highly unfair.

I love the man dearly, but I do not like him right now. Besides his wussy copycat psychosomatic ailment, he is channeling Jimi Hendrix on his computer. That is not the kind of music I wish to hear when I am in the process of expiring.

They will find my parched bones one day, feet in the air like a dead bird. "Hmmm, it looks as if the lady starved to death," the Medical Examiner will say, shaking her head cheerfully. "By the way, what's for lunch today?"

20 comments:

thethinker said...

There's only been one time I haven't had anyone to care for me when I was sick, really vomit-y, fever-ish, headache-y sick, and I remember how bad it sucked having to do everything for myself.

Get better soon.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Thinker,

He's actually a very kind, sweet man. But I am a Cancerian, and have possibly unrealistic standards for my sick-care.

Thanks for your good wishes.

Jocelyn said...

With such fine carbo-loading, you'll be ready to run a marathon the second you, um, can stand upright.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Jocelyn,

I'll probably get a medal in the crawling division.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

heart,
You've convinced me. Do you want me to have a "talk" with this "insensitive,unaware,clueless,on how sick you really are and how he will regret not pampering you" husband? I'll chitter him into submission!

djn said...

If only you had the strength, I bet you would throw his beer at him. Poor you.

Lee said...

It's really too bad you don't drink. Enough of that Crown Royal and the dirty dishes wouldn't bother you, your wet pajamas wouldn't bother you, hunger would go away and heck, Flip wouldn't even bother you.

Poor Susan...I am sending steaming hot chicken noodle soup (or vegetable in case your a vegetarian) over broadband as you read this.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Squirrel,

Now I feel terrible. His back went out, and he's in a lot of pain. Can I put your nice offer on reserve in case I ever need it again, though?

Djn,

Probably. I think I"m beginning to feel a bit better today.

Lee,

I'm allergic to booze. Really. It isn't easy to be me. And I am a vegetarian, but chicken soup has curative values in many cultures, so let's go with that.

Thanks! It was yummy.

The Laughorist said...

Feel better. That is probably about as much sympathy I have conveyed to my wife, who was sick and is just getting better. I conveyed more sympathy to my daughter, for whatever Freudian reason. Then I made a bet with my daughter that I wouldn't get sick. Now she's practically coughing in my face, asking me to share drinking cups, etc. Payback.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Pawlie,

Yeah, well, the family that prays together...

odat said...

Oh I'm with you on this one..I really think that men think that they're doing all they can and when we get pissed they cannot understand it at all!
Peace, and feel better!!!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Odat,

Why can't a husband be more like a Jewish mother? Just when you're sick, of course.

Now Fiip's back is out, and I have to drop him at the doctor's as soon as they open. I hope he doesn't catch something there that we don't already have at home. Sigh.

kim said...

us cancers rule & men are evil :)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Kim,

Yeah. What she said!!

katrice said...

I'm sorry, Heart, but you are even funnier when you're sick. And your timing does rock. Apparently, Flip didn't realize that his timing ain't so great.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Katrice,

Nope. There is so much he (and all his co-male persons) don't realize.

We spent the day getting him some pussy pain meds (try childbirth, buddy) and I think he's going to live. I may, too, even. You never know.

Being sick makes me angry, and I tend to let it all fly when I'm angry. I'm glad I didn't get you with any whizzing shrapnel. Or dead duck feet.

velvet girl said...

I thought that it was a law, that there can only be one of you at a time who can be sick. You were sick first, so Flip is in clear violation. He needs to do community service, say, dishwashing, cooking, shopping to start with. And pampering you as a fine. ;)

-velvet

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Velvet,

Exactly! I knew I didn't imagine that it was the law.

He had to wait over two hours to be seen by the doctor yesterday, so I'm holding my breath (weakly) to see what new goodies he might have contracted there.

I intend to put all your excellent suggestions in effect as soon as he's up to it. You can represent me anytime.

Crankster said...

Sorry to hear that you're so ill. I hope Flip survives.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Crank,

You're too kind.