Friday, January 12, 2007

Catatonia


I bought my cat a video. I couldn't wait to play it for her. Two hours of prey-worthy small animals doing small animal things, with sound effects. "Complete with the Sights & Sounds of Nature in Stereo! 400,000 Videos sold! Two Paws Up! Guaranteed Feline Fun or Your Money Back!"

She was sleeping with her head on upside down. She didn't move when I put the movie on.

"Look, Truffle," I chirped in an improbably high voice. She ignored me.

"TRUFFLE! We! Have! A! Movie!!!"

She curled up tighter to shut out the annoying sound. I picked her up. She dangled like fresh road kill. Truffle has on occasion been mistaken for taxidermy. I walked over to the TV and propped her head up so it was pointing in the right direction.

She struggled a little, reflexively, like rigor mortis, and went back to sleep. Whatever she was dreaming about was far more riveting than the chattering chipmunks and twittering birds on the screen.

I knew she wasn't dead because she had requisitioned her third meal of the day from me a short time before with considerable enthusiasm. I turned up the sound on the video. She snored softly into my shoulder.

This movie has a cast of thousands. The main characters, listed alphabetically, are: Ben & Betty Bird, Bonnie Butterfly, Charles Chipmunk, Freddy Fish, Gary Gerbil, Paulie Parrot, Sammy Squirrel, and other "Denizens of the Backyard."

Denizens, my ass. If the actors had been little tins of chicken, turkey, tuna and mackerel, she might have recognized them as part of her food pyramid. But Truffle has never had to bring down a can. Due to her lack of thumbs, she doesn't even open them herself.

She continued to play Dead Kitty until I switched to Special Victim's Unit, when she suddenly jolted upright, shook herself vigorously, and settled in my lap so we could watch Olivia Benson run down perps together.

There is nothing like a relaxing evening of crime TV with my cat.

43 comments:

monicker said...

The lousy ingrate!

Truffle said...

I TOLD her I hate movies about boring little cutesy rodents, but she wouldn't listen.

I like the ones where people die and their guts hang out and there's blood all over the place.

Jay said...

Haha, you paid good money for that!

Pendullum said...

You rented amovie for your cat????
Now, if that is not love I do not know what is!

Open Grove Claudia said...

That's hilarious! I wonder if you can get your money back. A tape like that should be made by RonCo or Acme and come with a money back guarantee.

Of course, the pet psychics would say that she was responding to your emotions and signals... but who knows?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Jay,

I've been considering holding them to the "money back guarantee."

Pendullum,

I BOUGHT it. And it's not good money if it gives a bad result.

Claudia,

I don't know about the psychics, but the marketing people must be laughing their way to the bank.

moontopples said...

Hey, the money itself was still good. Don't blame the money.

Great post. I had thought I linked you some time ago, but was mistaken. I've corrected this error.

meno said...

Smart kitty that one!

How funny. This illustrates the perversity of cats.

mist1 said...

I used to have a thing for Freddy Fish.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Moontop,

Thanks for the linkage. I'm enjoying your blog, too.

You're right. It was good money until I spent it badly.

Meno,

Cats are not perverse. We simply lack the means to understand them. (And other fairy tales.)

Mist,

I sense a story there. Did he break your heart? Your fins? Was it on Elm Street?

Stewart Sternberg said...

This was hilarious. It brought to mind that famous Gary Larson comic where a cat is seen from behind, plastered against the window, with two vans crashed outside, one being 'Ed's Rodents', the other 'Al's Small, Flightless Birds'

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Stewart,

You've made my day! I love Gary Larson, and remember that cartoon (and most of his others.)

I think my favorite is the chubby child about to descend a playground slide on which two spiders have constructed a gigantic web.

The caption is,"If we can pull this off, we'll eat like kings."

Le Nightowl said...

Too cute... I can't wait to read the story of you going back to the store to get your refund :)
Truffles sounds like a sensible cat.
Marie

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Marie,

Flip threw it out. So much for the money-back guarantee. Merd.

Truffle does enjoy a good juicy murder or two of an evening.

kim said...

It did say "Fun or your money back"?

Obviously your kitty friend is highly evolved. Id start potty training :)

urban-urchin said...

my cat liked Law and Order too, but she also would also try and attack birds on TV. I miss my girl. Truffles knows she's never gonna need to forage further than walking her behind to the food dish, so why bother? (smart kitty)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Kim,

The video was a great sleep aid.

Urchin,

Truffle worries a lot. Every time I put on shoes to go out, she leads me to her bowl, tripping me all the way, and requisitions a refill.

Her life is filled with anxiety. And food.

Le Nightowl said...

For a moment I thought you said Flip had thrown Truffles out :)
Merde indeed! :)))
Marie

Thailand Gal said...

Yeah.. I'll definitely go for crime TV and Olivia Benson. LOL

:)


Peace,

~Chani

An explosive said...

Oh to be a cat! lol ~M

velvet girl said...

How funny! Truffle is one highly evolved cat.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Marie,

He would never do that. He is a dog person who totally adores Truffle, as do I.

Thanks for the French lesson. If I'm going to swear, it's good to spell it right.

Chani,

I really like Mariska Hargitay. And so does Truffle. We all need strong female role models.

My heart,

I've often thought that I would like to come back in my next life as my own cat.

Velvet,

She is. Did you notice how well she types w/o thumbs? Actually, she dictates. It's her way.

Jocelyn said...

Gawd, but I enjoy your writing. How does that cat react to "The Price Is Right"?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Jocelyn,

Gawd, but I enjoy your attitude.

She's never seen that show. But if they're paying people in tuna, she might be interested.

Pickled Olives said...

oooh, I see cute kitty belwy!!!!! Good cat for showing you!

Odat said...

OMG That is just too funny...
I had more fun watching my dog bark and tilt his lil head at the "March of the Penquins" yesterday.....Maybe try that one...
Peace

jali said...

I'm another one waiting patiently for the sequel. My sister would buy a tape like that. (she had 4 cats who ran her universe)

Christina_the_wench said...

Wow. And I thought the new 'For babies only" DISH network channel was bad.

She is a cutie though. =)

Bob said...

cats by law have to do the opposite of what you want them to. even if at any other time they'd be on it like flies on....well, you know.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Olives,

She is my Great Leader. Ask her.

Odat,

She has shown interest n documentaries about big cats. I'm sure that in her mind, she is one.

Jali,

If Flip hadn't thrown it away, I would send it to you for your sister.

Christina,

I haven't seen that one. I probably don't want to.

Bob,

It's true. If I see her gauging the distance up to something and lift her there, she jumps down and washes herself angrily. It has to be HER idea.

She keeps me in my place. And makes me miss the unconditional slavish devotion of dogs.

katrice said...

The cat has taste!

Nihilistic said...

My dog ignored everything I try to turn his attention to. He does it to annoy me...except for food...

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Katrice,

Yes. Doesn't she know she's supposed to be a cat? Where did I go wrong?

Nihilistic,

Does it work? The annoying part, I mean. I know the food works.

Lee said...

Maybe you can get your child or possibly husband to watch it?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Lee,

I'll get right on it.

furiousBall said...

last night, my cat seemed entranced by I Love New York...apparently cats really like crappy reality TV.

Oh man, I just admitted to watching that show.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Furiousball,

It's a slippery slope. Before you know it, your cat will be watching The Donald.

Polyman3 said...

Maybe this peice could be titled "The trouble with Truffles"
I think you bought the wrong movie.
She probably wants to watch;
"Cat on a hot tin roof."

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Poly,

You might be onto something. Truffle was born in Tennessee. She meows with a Southern accent.

Veronica said...

I've never heard of a video for pets. Wonder what a video for my birds would be like. They are usually making a big racket, so something to put them to sleep would be nice.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Veronica,

It could be a slasher movie for birds if it had cats in it. Even if they were just yawning or eating.

Thanks for your visit!

Dave said...

You bought a video for your cat? You truly deserve a medal..I just buy food for my pet ...wideo is for me! :-)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Dave,

My cat craves intellectual stimulation. And also food.

The video flopped. Supper was great.