12-Step Program

I have a substance-abuse problem. At the first sign of a cold, I develop a hard-core addiction to cough drops. I do not get colds very often, but since I have had pneumonia five times, I believe that you can't be too careful.

This morning, I woke up super-congested and aching all over. I steamed myself in the shower until my fingers and toes shriveled, then put on my designated sick clothes, sweat pants and flannel shirt, to go to the health food store. I am a poor pill taker, so I needed lozenges. They did not have any with vitamin C, zinc, echinacea and goldenseal, the magical combination, but I bought Elderberry Cherry Herbal Throat Drops with Menthol and Organic Cranberry Raspberry with Vitamin C and Zinc.

Then I drove to the Asian grocery for Panax Ginseng and Genmai Cha tea. While I was there, I snagged Ricola Echinacea Orange-Spice Cough Drops, which I happen to know are yummy.

I was burning up all night, so I decided to spring for a thermometer. I haven't owned one since my children left home. I got a very elegant digital one, batteries included, that can be used under armpits (tickles,) rectally (will never happen,) or orally. (Bingo.) It seems like they should have mentioned in the directions that if you choose to use it rectally, you should never even consider using it orally again. Not that it's relevant to me. I'm just saying.

The drugstore also had Luden's Honey Licorice Cough Drops, which I have always been able to put away in large amounts. I bought three bags. I do not suck cough drops. I chew them. They do not last long.

Whole Foods had Cara oranges, the ones with pink flesh that I love so much. The demo model looked juicy and delicious. The ones I bought are as hard and dried up as you would expect of last year's harvest. I should have been told.

I also purchased a selection of dried fruits which came with directions: Refrigerate after opening. I did not do so because I wanted to eat some first, and I'm sick. This is not a good time to crawl into the refrigerator.

Safeway offered Vick's Honey and Menthol, Ricola Cherry-Honey, Original Herbal with Echinacea, Honey-Herb Throat Drops, and Lemon-Mint. I bought them all, just to be on the safe side. Also Smith Brothers Original Black Cough Drops because I love antiques, even though those guys scared me to death when I was three. I had never seen a beard before. They looked sinister.

I rounded off the menu with Zand Black Cherry with Vitamin C, and also Honey-Licorice. Most of the food groups are accounted for.

I just reminded Flip for the third or forth time that I don't feel well. I whined it, actually. I am a sorry mess when I am sick. I become very clingy and believe with every fibre of my being that I will not survive the night.

My last cat, Moonshine, acted like that in her dotage. She seemed to be convinced that I, alone, stood between her and death, and plastered herself to me whenever possible. Now Flip has that to look forward to. I would feel sorry for him if I didn't need all of my sympathy for myself.

He just mentioned something that had nothing to do with my illness. I reminded him again. Sometimes he has to be steered in the right direction. I will make him obsess about me and how sick I am if it's the last thing I do.

I know that I am seriously ill when I don't feel well enough to wear earrings. And I intend to put on my pajamas tonight. I have one pair. They are red flannel. They are comforting when I am sick. I only need one pair because when I am well, I wear nothing to bed.

My vast selection of cough drops is lined up on my desk like a chorus line. In my fever-induced delirium, they seem to be doing the Can-Can. I have run through two large boxes of Kleenex already. Every cough drop I consume brings me closer to extinction. The teensy little individual wrappers are everywhere. They'll be turning up in odd places for years.

I will definitely leave something behind when I go.

"My name is Susan. I'm a cough drop-aholic."

"Hiiiii, Susan."