Monday, September 04, 2006

Mr. Anus Goes A-Riding


Why are guys in fancy bicycle outfits such pugnacious bullies? They zoom toward you like suicide bombers at 90 mph in the wrong lane with big, cheesy grins just because they can, because nobody gives tickets to belligerent thugs for moving violations on bikes.

Wearing brightly colored racing silks does not make you a Kentucky Derby jockey. It doesn't mean that you were in the Tour de France, and it certainly does not mean that you are Lance Armstrong or the other guy Brice Feillu.

It means you're an aggressive asshole.

My husband, Flip, had the grand idea of riding our bikes across the Golden Gate Bridge today. The sun was shining and the scenery undeniably world-class. Except for the fetchingly clad bike jockeys and hurricane force winds that tried hard to blow or scare me off my bike. My ears hurt as they have not since I lived in places where I had to scrape ice off my windshield every morning. I can't imagine jumping off that bridge even if I wanted to die because I HATE being cold. I would have to find some gentler way to go. Suicide for wusses.

As I rode abreast of Flip at one point, I yelled, "Just so you know, I'm not sending you loving thoughts right now." He grinned back. He can be astoundingly deaf at times. I think it's called "selective earshot."

We're back at home, I'm sniffling and grouchy, and somebody's gonna pay. Guess who that will be?

27 comments:

katrice said...

Awww poor thing! I hate the cold too. And heights. And deep water. And bridges. So there goes that suicide option for me too.

Couriers here ride their bikes that way through the streets of D.C. It's as if they have a death wish. They take living dangerously to the level of stupidity.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

The older I get, the more I believe that living dangerously IS stupid. Period. Life is tenuous at best -- why deliberately mess with your chances to live out a normal span of years?

These guys don't seem to have a death wish so much as a KILL wish. It's like a constant game of "chicken," or maybe they're kamakaze wannabes.

And did I mention that I HATE them?

Grim Reality Girl said...

I'd hate them too! But good for you for braving those elements! I hate being cold too.....

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Grim Girl, thanks for your visit. I just checked out your site and it's great!

Swampwitch said...

First time here and I enjoyed your story...I'm new to GLOBBING as I call it because that's how my "brian" sees it...you have a gift for "writing funny"...I was right there with you freezing...

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Hi, Swampwitch. Thanks for coming by.

I left a little something on your doorstep, too. You have a great glob!

Swampwitch said...

OK...I'm back...first, when I see Mrs. Winters, I know for sure that's a student somewhere. Have I just stumbled across someone I know? Thanks for posting and I'll be back here. I went into your ARCHIVES, but didn't find any clues, but only for one month. Will be without a "cornpooter" for a week, but hope to hear from you again... MIZDUBYAH...

Swampwitch said...

Well DUH!! I used my "old" name in the story...that's how you knew me as MIZDUBYAH...have had two students already post, and they referred to me as that...so I just quickly assumed, another former student was out there...I couldn't believe their would be such a coincidence...that I would randomly find a student in my past career. I hope you'll visit again and give me a chance to be a little "brighter" next time.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Hi again, Swampwitch.

I'm confused. I'm not one of your students - you mentioned Mrs. Winters in your post with the wonderful quote from Picasso. And the only "Dubyah" I know of lives on Pennsylvania Ave. in D.C.

I checked out your blog after I saw your comment on mine.

But please do come back.

Lex said...

I'm sorry you were miserable. Make him PAY!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

:<) !!

Thanks for the support, Lex. It's only fair to add that he turned around as soon as I said I wanted to go home. Flip is one of the really good guys.

And he doesn't wear those tacky pansy outfits either.

Lex said...

Glad to hear it. Where DOES one find one of those?

odat said...

LOL...Well..I, for one would love to bike ride on the Golden Gate Bridge (so sorry)...sounds fantastic, especially the scenery!
Here in NYC we have those couriers too..that will kill you if you're not careful....they are crazy!!

Peace

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Lex,

When the time is right, the right one appears.

I don't regret my earlier marriages because they produced three amazing children, but Flip is right for me now.

Odat,

We have ridden over the bridge before, and it WAS fantastic. It was just very windy yesterday, and as stated before, I hate to be cold.

I'm from NY originally. I remember the couriers. The bicycle scoundrels here are not working, just working out (and doing their part to thin the herds.)

katrice said...

Ha ha ha! I thought for sure Lex was asking for one of those pansy outfits. I guess a great guy would be of much more use!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Funny you should mention that, Katrice. I almost wrote back asking her which she meant, but decided to go with my gut.

Maybe she'll set us straight on her next visit. (On her way to the fluffy bike outfit store.)

kwesi said...

It's so good that you'll are spending time together and that he's paying attention to your desires. So I say don't make him pay, heart, pay him :0)

Swampwitch said...

Sorry to confuse you...but I live the in the state of Confusion, so it's just what happens to the people around me...I have that effect...I wrote the story for my GLOB and used Mrs. Winters...had not done that before, so when I saw you had used that name, I wondered how in the world would someone pick up on that story except one of my former students...and had just had two posts from former students, so thought they might have connected....long story short:
I'm sorry I confused you.

Lex said...

Well now that you guys mention it, where do you find one of the great guys IN a pansy outfit??!?! Wowzers!!!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Hey, Kwesi, here's the deal. He IS a really great guy, but I don't think he deserves a medal for turning around because I was cold - I know you'd do the same for Katrice w/o even thinking about it.

So if you guys want rewards, you're going to have to come up with something better, okay?

Chicks With Attitude

Swampy,

I'm glad we cleared that up. And even though I'm not one of your students, I'm sure I'll learn some things from you and your glob.

I still wish I'd had Mrs. Winters in one of my childhood classrooms. Glad you could swing by again.

Lex,

The next one I see is YOURS.

Flowers R Us.

Christina_the_wench said...

Oh Flip. You poor dude. Making her exercise and enjoy scenery? What the hell were you thinking? *giggles*

Christina_the_wench said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
heartinsanfrancisco said...

Christina, I'll have the poor dude respond to your comment as soon as he returns from his bicycle tour of the North Pole.

I hope it was clear that "Mr. Anus" referred to the obnoxious Alpha-male bikers in fancy duds, and not to anyone near & dear to us.

Lex said...

Yeah, yeah! We've got it! Your guy's the greatest! Yahdah, yahdah, yahdah.

tee hee

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Well, whatever you do, don't tell HIM. That'll be our little secret, okay?

jali said...

I give the NYC couriers a pass since they're on the clock - the "health nut idiots are annoying as hell. I think they're living in the fantasy world where they pretend to be part of Le Tour De France. Little boys and their toys.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I think so, too. Idiots. If only clothes really could make the man.