Thursday, September 28, 2006

Attack of the Killer Squirrels

Squirrels around the world are getting well, squirrelly. There have been reports of numerous fluffy rodent attacks in Mountain View, California during the past week, injuring several humans and stealing a bag of cookies from a baby stroller. The town has decided to take action and will be setting traps, as well they should. Stealing Oreos must not be tolerated.

In Russia, a pack of crazed squirrels attacked a large dog and bit him to death within seconds. The attack was witnessed by several people who said the animals skittered off, carrying hunks of dog flesh, when they realized they were being observed. The squirrels have since met with their lawyers and are cooking up their alibi. Some commentators feel they really screwed the pooch, but the dog tartar is no longer in evidence. The incident has been attributed to a lack of pine cones in the forest.

In yet another frightening development, park rangers found the gutted carcass of a large animal thought to be a moose. A rabid squirrel in aviator goggles was apprehended fleeing the scene.


ShadowFalcon said...

A Squirel Attacked an Opera singer in Finland...


They are organising...

mist1 said...

Squirrels scare me. A little hair on the tail does not fool me. Damn rats.

jali said...

I love squirrels - at a distance. (which based on these reports will be increased immediately)

Michael C said...

My fols have squirrels up in the mountains where they live and those little rodents are some mean territorial little guys.

It all sounds squirrely to me ;-)

Christina_the_wench said...

I love me some 'Fractured Fairy Tales.' Not so much the squirrel and moose.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


High C's are known to set them off.


Rats incognito. I've always liked squirrels. I'm reconsidering.


I played with those cute little animals as a child. Things change.


Mutant Ninja Squirrels. Who knew?


So you're saying you don't want the Rocky & Bullwinkle pajamas I sent you?

djn said...

My 80-year old dad as declared war on the squirrels in his neighborhood. My favorite episode of my dad's only drama in his life was when he placed a free standing metal birdfeeder in his yard. He felt like he won until he saw a squirrel climb the metal like Mowgli from the Jungle Book might climb a coconut tree. He then found a round, curved contraption that he could attach to the neck of the metal rod of the birdfeeder and covered it with vaseline. Somehow the squirrel was still able to bypass the vaseline and contraption and get to the bird food. My dad finally just took the damn thing down. Squirrel: 1; Dad: 0.

An explosive said...

So tragic.. so scarry.. so absolutely hysterical... In my town.. we suffer daily attcks from the skunks and raccons! :(

IT's Animal Farm ...

~M *must join peta* can't beat them join them*

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Your dad's contraption sounds a lot like the one I rigged to keep birds away from my strawberries, which involved tomato cages with tape streamers, an upturned shovel, long-handled cultivator and something rusty but unidentifiable with spikes. I set a plastic wolf's head on top. Very effective, although there were those who laughed. (He got no strawberries.)

My heart,

At least squirrels don't spray. As Orwell noted, "All animals are created equal. Some are more equal than others."

The Law Fairy said...

Oh my God. They killed a dog??? As a dog lover, I'm personally hurt by this.

I've got a feeling we could use a Holy Hand Grenade...

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Law Fairy,

Holy Shit! Do you think all those suicide bombers have been watching Monty Python?

Nobody messes with doggies around me and lives.

urban-urchin said...

Rocky and Bullwinkle used to give me nightmares.

We have some pretty bold squirrels here in NJ. They're kinda scary.

Steven Novak said...

Now I don't feel so bad about pinning that squirel to a board with nails, then cutting open his stomach and letting his intestiness fall out while he was still alive...


It was an experiment. ;)


heartinsanfrancisco said...


Well, if it makes you feel any better, we do here, too, apparently.

They didn't give me nightmares, just bored me to death.


heartinsanfrancisco said...

Steve again,

I didn't know what to say.

Odat said...

Nasty lil guys...but hey, what do you expect from them..when their houses are being torn down daily...
"...they paved paradise...and put up a parking lot"..! (gee that's the second time I used that comment this week)


Lex said...

Well thanks for this information. Now I can stop nearly killing my damn self by swirving to miss them when the run out in the street.

From here on out I'll just run the little bastards over.

OK. That sounded good, but I know I can't do it.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Every day we encroach on areas that were home to many other species. And now it seems that we're no longer the only creatures with serious neuroses.

We humans are the most scary animal of all.


Drive safely and hopefully, you'll all get to live. You AND the fluffy little bastards.


I swear a little squirrel wanted to attack me the other day. He was eating our neighbor’s trash and when I went outside I guess I scared him. He was mad! I am going to have to be careful because I think he has it out for me.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Uh oh. All citizens are advised to use the buddy system when taking out garbage. If you see anyone with a fluffy tail acting suspicious, call 911 immediately. Do not attempt to disarm him yourself.
Repeat. Do not attempt akkkkkkhhhhhhhh

katrice said...

I've been hearing similar stories about racoons in the Pacific Northwest. We humans are getting our just desserts, maybe?

heartinsanfrancisco said...


We've been pushing all the other animals around for much too long. I expressed my views on this in my August 16th post, Garden of Eden, and feel strongly about it.

So, yes. Our just desserts. Sadly, it doesn't have to be this way. But we are the only species with Ego, and I believe therein lies the problem; our objectionable behaviors all spring from this.