Saturday, April 24, 2010

Enjoying Poor Health

Flip just turned on a Law and Order repeat, and my buddy Olivia Benson has a cold too. Of course she still looks drop-dead gorgeous, while I just look as if I recently died. I hardly ever get sick but when I do, it's bad. I think my body saves up all its sick coins and then blows them on one major contagion. I am a terrible patient. Chicken soup makes me sick and I have probably exceeded the legal limit on cough drops. I was going to soak in a hot bath with epsom salts but it's too much effort. I don't feel well enough to be sick. I have a stack of Kleenex boxes as tall as I am, but someone is eating all my sick person popsicles, especially the tangerine ones.

I do not lack for entertainment, however. For six days, a tiny bird who lives in a big tree by our windows has been pecking on the glass constantly. Folk superstition holds that this portends a death in the house and since I am sick, it has crossed my mind about 2,000 times.

We are also babysitting for Joey-the-cat who lives upstairs. Joey and the bird quickly discovered each other and now the bird and his mate are hurling themselves into our windows repeatedly, fluttering feathers like a troupe of Burlesque dancers to taunt the great white and black hunter. I cleared a path through my plants so he could get a better view and all his killer instincts kicked in, even though he has not had to bring down a can of cooked chicken in a very long time. Fortunately, the glass is thick and Joey is trapped inside a plastic Elizabethan collar to prevent him from scratching a sore on his head. He thinks we are morons because he asked us with yowls and pantomime to remove it, but we didn't. Of course, every cat and dog knows that humans are mentally inferior, hardly worth the trouble if we didn't have thumbs. But he protects us from small, marauding birds anyway, because he's that sort of cat. He even guards me while I shower, sprawled menacingly across the bathroom threshold. Cats know how dangerous water is, and besides, I know where all the cans are buried.


TechnoBabe said...

This is still a great post, I wouldn't know you are sick if you didn't say it. So sorry to hear how the grunge caught you by surprise. I know it isn't funny to you, but I did laugh at your "I don't feel well enough to be sick." I hope the window is good and thick and strong. That bird is a masochist and Joey the cat is codepedent.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Thank you for making me laugh! I haven't felt like it for several days. I don't think the bird is a masochist - he is well aware of the thickness of the glass and the feline frustration it causes, which makes him a sadist. I hadn't considered that Joey might be codependent but he does have serious abandonment issues.

secret agent woman said...

See, this is why we all need make-up artists following around. Then we could look gorgeous when we're sick.

Get well!

The said...

I love how nature always stays true to its roots. Humans should be more like that!

Anonymous said...

You may be sick but that mind, that wit, that keen sense of observation are all in perfect health.

I hope the only death in the house is the end of your maladies (and Joey's too).

Please rest up, Ms Hearts.

mischief said...

I want to lie on the floor and colour a get well soon card for you. No soup, just my drawings of you urban running in your new rubber boots I designed for you in my mind, tattooed and winged and fearless and completely healthy.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Sounds like a workable plan for every day, sick or not.


When humans become unrecognizable to themselves, trouble follows.

Thanks for your visit. I tried to follow your link but hit a wall.


I'm hoping these birds are too small to be harbingers of death - maybe just hangnails or splinters.


Please send boots STOP Also card STOP Urgent STOP Susan

nick said...

Aside from the fascinating wildlife skirmishes, are you not taking the opportunity to catch up on your reading? If you're like me, there'll be a pile of new books beside you screaming "Read me, read me".

I hope you're well again soon. I'm sure the superstition is just that, a superstition, and there aren't any unexpected deaths in the offing.

the walking man said...

I think it is time to send a message to the cats of the world and put that cat on an Elizabethan era dress to match the collar and publish it far and wide.

Feel better and get strong enough to at least hide all the tangerine Popsicle's for yourself.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Of course I am - about one a day. I'm enjoying that part of being sick enormously.


Or maybe tights and a sword. I think we have ourselves a King Lear.

Jo said...

In some parts of China, many people leave one of their windows open so a bird can fly in and make a nest there. It is considered extremely good luck. So, I prefer to think the bird tapping at your window is bringing you good luck, not bad luck. :-)

Get well soon...!

heartinsanfrancisco said...


I didn't know of that Chinese custom, although I know they keep crickets in bamboo cages. I feel so much better now! The bird has been tapping on our windows for over a week so there must be some very good luck coming our way. (I hope he doesn't know we're not Chinese.)

Molly said...

Sorry to hear you're feeling so awful, but still you made me smile!Cats are endlessly entertaining! Wishing you a speedy recovery!

Bob said...

oops, left my condolences to your ill health at the wrong post. Still mean it, though.

We have a window A/C unit in our bedroom, and a bird has built a nest on the sill beside it. We can hear the bird chirping and fluttering around. We went around outside, peeked in, and saw two eggs. Kinda looking forward to the cheep of hungry baby birds.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


I'm beginning to feel better, thank you! It must be all the CATastrophes around here.


Ooh, you're going to be a baby bird daddy. It's always exciting to watch them hatch, eat, learn to fly and go off to college.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

I have a cold too, although I think yours is *substantially* worse; my poor dear Hearts!

Feel better soon. I'm sending healing and soothing thoughts your way.

Laughter is said to be the best medicine and it sounds like Sylvester and Tweety are doing their best to bring you well on your way to recovery.


Scarlett & Viaggiatore

heartinsanfrancisco said...


I doubt mine is worse - I just whine more. I'll show you my Kleenex if you show me yours. Feel better soon!

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

*shoves pile of Kleenex out of the way of the monitor*

Here you go.

Want to do a shot of Nyquil together? We can toast our good health.


Scarlett & Viaggiatore

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Nyquil buddies... you really know how to party.

Jocelyn said...

I come to you from the future, and all I can say is, "Oh, honey, I'm pretty sure you feel better now."

heartinsanfrancisco said...


I've always wanted someone to come to me from the future, I mean Future. I hope you bring glad tidings of comfort and joy. I do feel a lot better, and so does Joey, who removed his plastic collar all by himself.