Friday, May 30, 2008

I Do, and Do, and Do


They never tire of showing those polygamous Latter Day Saint women in their horrible dresses and sausage-rolled pompadours on television.

The fundamentalist women never cut their hair because they expect to use it to wash Christ's feet at the Second Coming. Their clothing is intended to make them unattractive to the outside world and other men, and their remarkable success at this endeavor is indisputable.

"How would you like to have thirty-five wives?" I asked Flip.

"Oh, God," he moaned.

"It would be pretty crowded around here," I said. "Every wife would have her own cat with its own litter box. That's a lot of head of cat - and bathrooms."

He suddenly looked very, very sick.

"What if every cat had cystitis?"

He didn't dignify that with an answer.

I couldn't blame him.

"Every time you gave one of them a present, you would have to give the same present to all the others. It could get expensive."

He looked as if he were choking.

"To say nothing of 20 children per wife..."

Gurgling sound.

"Your Indian name would be Many Wives. You know, I could use a little help with the laundry. And things."

"I've got your help right here."

I'm waiting for a polyandrous sect to make headlines. When women can have multiple husbands, then we'll talk.

35 comments:

thailandchani said...

Ugh! I had enough trouble with one husband who is now notably my EX-husband. Can you imagine having more than one around? How many times a day would we have to say "get off of me!"

Oh, no. No. No. No. Thanks.

:)

And, yes, those dresses are decidedly ugly.

Nick said...

Chani, my thought exactly. I don't think many women would want multiple husbands, one is quite enough for most. They're far too demanding and temperamental. But it must also be pretty difficult dealing with 35 wives if they're all simultaneously bemoaning their ageing bodies!

Mariposa said...

Thanks but NO thanks! I'm even prolonging my wedding to make sure I'm on the right track...imagine prolonging ALOT of it! LOL

seventh sister said...

I think Debbie Reynolds had two husbands in Paint Your Wagon. I'm not sure how she coped. I think they each got to come around on separate nights. Ugh! Living with more than one man sounds like a lot of work to me.

Now they are most likely going to let the kids go back to their parents but they may not be allowed to go back and live on the compound. The legalaties have gotten very complicated.

Rachel said...

Im too busy laughing to come up with a coherent thought.

TOO DAMN FUNNY! 35 cats!!!

Odat said...

That hairdo gets to me everytime I see it on TV. I don't even see their dress, only their hair....I want to reach into the tv and cut it and style it for crying out loud. I'm ok now.
I would prefer 35 dogs and one hub.
Peace

On a limb with Claudia said...

Bring them on! I'd love 35 husbands! :) Of course, I'd have to be the Queen - and not the nurse maid - but that's another story.

Poor Chani.

I'm with Odat - the hair, clothing and simple look in their baffled eyes. It's like the freak show. I am sorry they are traumatized, sorry they abuse their children, sorry they get so much attention when they want so little, and mostly sorry that no one loves them enough to say "enough".

furiousBall said...

boy, as an extremely anti-marriage (aka divorced) type person... why the hell would someone put themselves through that much anguish

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Chani,

They remind me of the flannel nightgown I had to make in 8th grade Home Ec. class. I sewed the bottom closed and had to sneak it home at night for my mother to work on.

Nick,

But what if they were all aging gracefully and beautifully, strutting their stuff?

Not that they could do that in those potato sacks.. see above.

Mariposa,

Good for you! As they say, "Marry in haste, repent at leisure."

Flip and I were married a few months after we met, but we've been lucky.

Sister,

Debbie Reynolds always was a twit.

I know all the music from that wonderful show but never saw the movie.

Rachel,

"As I was going to St Ives
I met a man with seven wives

And every wife had seven sacks
And every sack had seven cats
And every cat had seven kits

Kits, cats, sacks, wives
How many were going to St Ives?"

Odat,

35 dogs to one husband seems like a good ratio.

Claudia,

Of course you would be Queen. You are a natural Queen Bee.

Those lost ladies do have a deer in the headlights look, don't they?

When I look at their children, I give thanks that I was not born into such a sect.

Van,

I know. Marriage is so difficult at best, why multiply your chances for misery?

RED MOJO said...

I went out to a restaurant in Salt Lake City one night on a business trip. It was me and 13 men. The waitress asked me what I wanted to order first. I gave her my order and then added and give my hubbies whatever they'd like too!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Mojo,

That's hilarious! Did she bring you the check, too?

The CEO said...

On the other hand, since both my wife and I both work, we have agreed that what we really need, is a wife. We're just too busy to do all the stuff that a wife does. Doesn't have to be a female, just competent. We have no breeding plans.

jameil1922 said...

i don't understand the point. i wouldn't want more than one husband either. just as much trouble, if not more than, multiple wives. hmph.

comfortandjoy said...

My opinion: one husband is too many husbands. :)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Monty,

Everybody needs a good wife, even the wives.

Good help is hard to find...

Jameil,

The only point, in my view, is equality. I have no desire for multiple spouses but if men are permitted to have them, women should be, too.

Comfort&Joy,

No pressure, Sweetie. :)

Sienna said...

Oh no, oh no and NO!

This one I have here is enough husband...I have this feeling his thoughts are mutual on many wives..

What are the LDS's thinking!!

Apparently one of the Chinese Emperor's used to follow the "instructions" of his Secretary who planned his lovemaking nights :) by the moon....sometimes it was 9 wives per night..

In his dreams!

katrice said...

Maybe the women are on to something. They only have to deal with the guy 1/35th of the time.

Jocelyn said...

I liked reading Flip's strangled sounds. Har-har!

Polyandrous...hmmm...has there ever been such a society? Gotta go hit the google.

Thank you, btw, for your lovely comments on my recent post. Because I have such respect for you, they mean much to me.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Pam,

9 wives per night...






Why?!!!

Katrice,

Interesting slant on the matter. You're right. Flip and Kwesi shouldn't be getting 35/35 of our time.

Hmmm.

Jocelyn,

Quite surprisingly, Tibet has the most documented incidences of polyandry, but I believe it's always brothers married to the same woman.

(I feel ill now.)

And your writing often makes me wish I had written it.

Pam said...

That post was so so funny.Also, I tried to sneak my dressmaking home for my mother to do.Down my front. Was caught at the door by the teacher.When I asked her how she knew she said "Your bust is not that big".Slowest sewing student in the class and the most flat-chested. I made the dart redundant.I think there are some redundant darts in those outfits on our sausage-coiffured sisters.

meno said...

Even with 35 husbands, i bet the garbage would still be sitting in the kitchen.

Those hairdos are really something. They must compete to see who can get the most vertical inches off the forehead.

citizen of the world said...

There are a few polyandrous socities out there, but I think in those instances, the woman marries a set of brothers. I don't understand why anyone would agree to a polygamous marriage unless you were also allowed to seek, um, outside entertainment.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Pam,

Redundant darts. Funny!

Nowadays, a teacher would be accused of sexual harassment if she said such a thing to a student.

Meno,

I read somewhere that the hair styles are indicative of status, which would seem contradictory to the idea of equality among co-wives.

Citizen,

That's what I learned, too, when I looked it up. It's almost unheard of for a society to be polyandrous with the husbands unrelated to each other.

Artful Kisser said...

I had always imagined a polyandrous relationship would make more sense. Particularly in these tough economic times. I'm guessing there'd be a whole lot more income coming in with four husbands than four wives. Plus each of them would serve a purpose. Mr Fixit for jobs round the house. Mr Mum who looks after the kids. Mr Moneybags who brings home most of the bacon. And Mr Hot and Heavy for Mrs' pleasure. Maybe a bit unrealistic, but really, how realistic is 4 wives?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Kisser,

I have to admit the multiple coddling would be nice, if they were so inclined. With me as the coddlee, of course.

I'm going to think this thing through a bit more and get back to you.

WNG said...

I honestly can't imagine having more than one husband right now. Of course I'm hating men right now (except Flip)...
Odat is right - 35 dogs and one hub would be great

velvet said...

LOL I'm gurgling along with Flip at the thought of more than one spouse. One is already more than enough.

Those dresses and hair make the '80's look fashionable.

seventh sister said...

I know all the music from that wonderful show but never saw the movie.

Then you never had to hear Clint Eastwood try to sing.

The kids are all being sent back home in the next day or two. DHS will continue to look in on them, though.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Wng,

Ok, then. 35 dogs and Flip made the cut.

They'll be so pleased.

Velvet,

They even make the 70's look fashionable, the 12" platforms, bell bottoms and polyester Pucci rip-offs.

Sister,

I can honestly say that I am happy not to have heard Dirty Harry try to sing.

Those kids are screwed, no pun intended.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

HA HA ha ha....

Husbands aren't worth having in multiples... but it made me laugh!


Scarlett & Viaggiatore

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Scarlett,

And think of the laundry!

I am not Star Jones said...

thank you for my laugh of the day:

"How would you like to have thirty-five wives?" I asked Flip.

"Oh, God," he moaned.
--
i'm thinking of starting a religion where i can have many husbands
but there would be no sex...just them doing what I tell them to do.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Star,

I'll convert to your religion. Where do I sign?

Maddy said...

Indeed, multi-husbands doesn't sound a particularly attractive option.
Cheers

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Maddy,

:<)