Sunday, June 01, 2008
My next-door neighbor's apartment smells like decomposing bait.
It permeates the hallway, even though I have opened the stairwell windows, and is especially lethal right in front of her door.
I can't imagine what is going on in there. I have smelled silage, fermented fodder, which is enough to ruin ones appetite forever, but this is worse. Fish heads, dead seals on the beach, desert road kill -- these are nothing compared to the stench emanating from Robin's nest. Last year, a dead whale got beached nearby. You could smell it for miles around, long after they towed it out to sea.
Close, but not quite as bad as the toxic waste spill next door.
I fantasize about calling the police to come and break down her door. Don't they find dead bodies all the time because neighbors complained about bad smells?
This more than qualifies.
I would like to ask her about it but since we don't speak to each other, it would be difficult. Also, what could I possibly say?
"Um, excuse me, Robin, what are you cooking? The smells are ... amazing."
We are running out of Ozium. Again. I'm not sure there's enough Ozium in the world to neutralize anything this rank.
Skankblossom has now been in the apartment for exactly one year. Last week, the mail carrier asked me to place an armload of mail from her overstuffed mailbox on the stone bench in the building lobby. It was all addressed to Jackie, who moved out without giving notice and moved Robin in as her sub-tenant, and to several of Robin's sub-sub-tenants.
Robin does not have her name on anything because she lives under the radar.
She is the stowaway from hell.
I packaged it all up neatly with rubber bands and took it to the building management company. Still they did nothing.
I should have taken it to the police because I suspect that Robin murdered Jackie. She is still driving Jackie's Audi convertible, and probably not paying any rent because it is paid automatically by Jackie's bank.
Maybe what I smell is the remains of Jackie.
She would probably be upset to know that she's not such a hot number anymore.