Saturday, May 17, 2008

Hot Mama


The fires of hell are consuming San Francisco. Yesterday and the day before, the temperatures were in the 90's and even over 100 degrees in some parts of the city. This is not only unprecedented, it's unbelievable as people normally come here to freeze to death if they can't get to the North Pole. It's always cold, and we have a wind chill besides.

Mark Twain once said, "The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco."

Chicago thinks it's the Windy City but it's deluded. The City by the Bay invented wind.

We do not have a logical progression of seasons. It's an ad hoc system whereby we get whatever weather is on hand after all the other places have gotten theirs, so we might have a day of summer followed by two days of winter followed by several hours of spring - well, you get the idea.

So imagine our surprise when we had TWO days of temperatures from the hell realms, followed by today, which was in the 60's. 95-degree weather is like the abode of condemned souls in which the powers of evil are winning.

We immediately went out and bought electric fans including one for Truffle-the-Cat, who likes to doze on the end of the bed. I think she even smiled when I turned on her personal breeze. It was so hot that I watered my garden three times in one day. Steam was rising from the sidewalks, which were cracking in new places.

Flip, who lived in Hawaii for many years, thought it was the perfect time for a long forced march walk.

It wasn't.

I didn't have his advantages, having grown up in the Northeast, and wilt in extremely hot weather. It also makes me cranky. If pushed, there is even the possibility that I will bite someone, although it hasn't happened yet. I wouldn't rule it out is all I'm saying.

I saw several men in shorts, carrying their t-shirts. One of them had bigger boobs than I do, yet if I took off my shirt, I'd get arrested. And that's just wrong.

I was wearing shorts, too, as well as a tee and the contrivance my grandfather used to call a shoulder holster. Sometimes he would hold my grandmother's bra over his eyes like the Lone Ranger's mask to amuse me, and I could never decide whether to laugh or not because clearly they were vying for my loyalty.

Later, Flip went for a bike ride. I stayed under my fan with a lemonade and reminisced about blizzards.

It was so hot that it wouldn't have surprised me to see Pele, the Hawaiian Goddess of the Volcano, strutting down Union Street.

Pele is often depicted as a wanderer and her sightings have been reported in the Hawaiian Islands for hundreds of years, especially near Mount Kilauea, her home, which is one of the most active volcanoes on Earth.

She has been seen all over the world by people who reported an apparition of a woman in the eruptions of volcanoes.

She is said to appear either as a beautiful young woman or an ancient crone who asks for help. If it is given, those who share with her are rewarded while those who refuse find themselves bereft and dependent on the kindness of strangers.

We have no volcanoes here, but I felt as if I were encased in molten lava so I think Pele was here in spirit. It was a two-day hot flash from Hades.

Someday, years from now, my bleached bones will be discovered in the desert, flesh long-gone, only bones and teeth and hair left behind to tell the story.

40 comments:

Nick said...

Poor you, we're lucky if it reaches 80 here. I'm the same, I can't bear too much heat and humidity, I just crumple and my brain turns to sludge. But clearly Flip was in his element!

That wonderful image of your bleached remains left in the desert reminds me of Salvador Dali.

And talking of visible man boobs, there was an interesting English court case on that very issue last week. I'm just drafting a post about it!

Sienna said...

I don't like the heat either Hearts, it's horrible....I am dreaming/thinking of the best places to spend 3 months of each year, avoiding the extreme heat and cold...so basically follow the springs and autumns...but you've just given me a good idea as well, a backup plan... air conditioning and heating!
That may help.

The straight desertlike heat we get here, the 100 plus summers, the north of Australia, gets the humidity like Asia, I love Thailand with all my heart but it kills me in the wet season.

At least we have the dam here on the farm to jump into and splash around, keeps me from biting people.
May a cool change drift through San Francisco.

Sienna said...

Ice cream

riseoutofme said...

A couple of soggy, cold, blustery summers in this country might change your mind about the heat, heart!

When the sun comes out here, normally sane people tear off their clothes, throw caution to the winds and bake their milk-bottle bodies until they resemble overripe strawberries .... not for them, the wise-virgin tactics ... no siree ... man boobs, beer bellies, spare tyres, hairy smelly armpits, on view for the world and its mother to gaze on ... Alaska looks promising on days like these.

But still, the heat is SO nice when it comes! An rud is annamh, is ionntach!

RED MOJO said...

Hot sticky days and man-boobs! I'm so sorry...I hate the humidity, it makes me feel slimy and dirty, and I want to crawl out of my own skin. Man-boobs make me want to gouge my own eyes out for not averting my eyes quickly enough.

The CEO said...

I'm sitting here in air conditioning. DC is considered a tropical climate by the British, and the humidity here could suffocate you.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Nick,

It's cooled down now, at least for the moment. There is no rhyme or reason to our weather, which is both strange and interesting. You could literally wear shorts one day and a down parka the next.

I'll be watching for your post.

Pam,

Well, as stated, you could easily get all four seasons in the same week here at any given time.

The dam sounds like great fun. I love picturing life on your farm. How do you keep the horses cool in that indecently hot weather?

Do they like ice cream,too?

Rise,

The hairy armpits with glistening dew drops are not my favorite sight, nor are beer bellies and spare tires. (American spelling.)

The only Gaelic I know is pogh ma hogh - (That's also American spelling.)

Mojo,

They may be thinking they're male and can expose all that mammary real estate, but it's gross and especially unsettling to see a person with big tits hawking up a loogie in the street in front of ME.

Monty,

I've been to DC in summer -- it's a good thing they have widespread air conditioning.

And every place is considered a tropical climate by the British.

meno said...

It was 90 here yesterday. In the Northwest. WTF?

But really, global warming isn't happening.

I hear (from my hip culture expert) that the terms for man boobs is "moobs." Feel free to use it in a sentence.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Meno,

And they carry murses (man purses.)

I think global "warming" is an understatement. When it reaches 90+ degrees in the Northwest, it's warm the way nuclear warfare is a dispute.

Nick said...

"Every place is considered a tropical climate by the British". How true. We complain when it's cold and wet, then we complain again how unbearable it is when the temperature reaches 70. Mind you, air conditioning is still an unheard-of luxury in most British buildings.

Franki said...

I'm considering changing my dog's name to Moobs. That is the frickin best.

thailandchani said...

Hotternblueblazes here, too. I wither up and wilt when it gets over 85.

Sienna said...

Shady old peppercorn trees for the horses to stand under, the way the boughs go they can back right in and under the trees for shade and they have the leaves fall across their body gently touching..

Blowflies a big issue, so we put fly veils on them, any in work get worked at the earliest of earliest morning...can hose them too.

Our water containers are old big beer barrels, keep them full and clean and in the shade and they have beautiful cool water..

The horses in the paddocks have the option of a dam to swim in, some take to the water and swim and some just paddle..

Racedays are called off and you can scratch your horses from starting if over 38c

We all just lay low

They get good bugs yoghurt, is good for their tummies and gut...they love their yoghurt! Smack their lips and poke the tongue out when they see me coming with it.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Nick,

I've been in London in the summer, and it's quite an experience. I don't like mutton either, so I'm rather glad my stray British grandparent crossed the ocean long ago to NY, where there is Italian food and air conditioning.

Franki,

Does your dog have udders that droop on the floor?


Chani,

Oh, you'll love Thailand then. :)

Pam,

I feel as if I just visited you and all your creatures, swam in your dam, hosed everybody off and fanned them.

My daughter used to share Coca Cola with her horse on hot days. I can't stand the stuff myself, but apparently horses love it.

I'm tired.

comfortandjoy said...

Hearts,

I hate heat. I'm always hot, because I live here in a perpetual summer. Now I've read your post, and not only do do I still hate the heat, but now I associate it with man boobs. In San Francisco! How could you do this to me?? :)

Odat said...

I feel your pain...I hate hot too!!! Weather that is.
It's been strange weather here too....been chilly and rainy...not quite warming up yet. Hey we're never happy.....I'm laughing at your grandfather and the bra thing...my hub used to do that too...including wearing it around his ears.....just to make me laugh...and I did!!!! :-)
Peace

Ian Lidster said...

SF's weather is very similar to ours on coastal BC, and we too nudged 90 over the weekend. To me it was heavenly after such a crappy spring here. But, I am burned and overtired from a surfeit of garden.
'Man boobs' That is a whole other area I don't think I ever want to explore. But you should because you'd handle it with such elan.
And Pele -- my favorite goddess -- who appears on roadsides as a beautiful wahine only to transmogrify into her evil manifestation once some poor male sucker has succumbed to her charms.

Craze said...

It was pretty damn hot here this weekend too. Last Monday, cold, windy, cloudy and 60 degrees. By Saturday it was in the 90's. Our weather is very tempermental. They say around here if you don't ilke the weather just wait 20 minutes. We can have snow, sunshine and then hail all in one day.

Molly said...

The weather seems to have gone cock-eyed everywhere lately....As long as we can laugh while we fry all is not lost, eh?

seventh sister said...

You would hate living here. The thermometer outside looks like it says about 97 degrees andit is not even June yet. Looks like its going to be a long hot summer.

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I was about to begin with the words “You call that hot…” but since you obviously do, I’ll skip the my-place-is-hotter-than-your-place competition.

May the temperature return to you comfort zone soon! (And let’s hope that the hot stuff isn’t a permanent change caused by global warming).

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Comfort & Joy,

You're in one of those redhot states, aren't you? Or is it hotred?

Man boobs are just wrong.

Odat,

It's hard to understand the male fascination with bras, and breasts, too. I can't imagine wearing anyone's jock strap around my ears.

Ian,

Pele is very seductive, but you don't want to cross her.

I'd like to take Pele lessons.

Craze,

20 minutes? It doesn't take that long here. I have seen all those things in SF in the same day, too.

Molly,

Who's laughing?

7th Sister,

I'm pretty sure you're right that I would not like living in Texas. A visit would be nice though, during the more moderate months.

St. Nick,

Global fuming is the right term, I think. Or maybe global incinerating.

velvet said...

I think the heat even increases the irritation at the man-boob unjustness. We could do something about this inequity, but when it gets hot enough to start seeing them it's usually just too much effort to march in protest. I think that we may be SOL.

Hope it stays cool for a while out your way. :-)

P.S. I went the clean slate route and started a new blog, Give Me Cupcakes or Give Me Death. If you feel like stopping around, you can find me @ http://givemecupcakes.blogspot.com

Jocelyn said...

Oh, sweetie, hell on earth, for sure, no matter how cliched that phrase is. San Fran and Duluth have much in common, weatherwise, and I know I lose my mind when it's damn hot, seasonally or unseasonally. All my pity on you!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Velvet,

The heat increases my irritation with everything.

I've already added your new blog to my blog roll. It's great to see you again.

Jocelyn,

I lived in MN for a couple of years and couldn't believe how hot July was. I figured that since it was about 40 below with a wind chill of 90 below for several months that the summers would be on the cool side. I've never been more wrong. The summers (July) were just as hot as the winters (the other 11 months) were cold.

Luckily, you have a lot of mind so you can afford to lose some of it.

Slip said...

If I get up in the morning, suck oxygen and take nourishment, it's all good!

If the day dawns bright and sunny with a slight breeze and 70 that is just a bonus!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Slip,

You make some good points, indisputable ones.

For the most part, I enjoy the weather, whatever it is. But 100-degree temps in San Francisco are like the act of a severe and capricious god for which one is totally unprepared.

comfortandjoy said...

yeah, currently I am in a red hot state, which I actually refer as a "deep red" state. But I'll be moving to your neck of the woods soon, as long as you keep the man boob situation under control.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Comfort&Joy,

I'll do what I can -- which is, frankly, nothing.

:<(

Where are you moving?

comfortandjoy said...

Hearts, San Francisco! Haven't picked a neighborhood yet. Sort of terrified. But also really excited!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

C&J,

I meant, what neighborhood are you looking at?

Red Mojo told me you were moving here, and I hope you like it as much as I do.

comfortandjoy said...

Hearts,
I think I've narrowed it down to Noe Valley or SOMA now. But, honestly, I really don't have a clue what I'm doing or where I'm going. Sorry to take up room in your comments, but I like it when you talk to me. :)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

C&J,

I like it, too.

Welcome to San Francisco in advance.

citizen of the world said...

We get so many days that soar above 90 that it is hardly remarkable here (Although we've been having an unusually cool, wet spring). But I will take heat over cold any day. It's cold that makes me cranky. And I define "cold" as anything below 50!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Citizen,

I don't really love either extreme, but I hate to be cold. When it seems chilly here, which is often, I remember my past incarnations in VT, MN, MA, and NY, as well as NC and TN, all of which have winters of varying degrees. And I put on another layer and go.

jameil1922 said...

i'm from the south and i can't stand hot weather. doesn't help that it's always coupled with stifling humidity. but as we roll up on our 18th or so day this month w/highs only as high as 65 (5-20(!!) degrees below normal), i will take almost anything above 72. i'm tired of wearing sweaters in may.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Jameil,

I lived in the South for awhile, too. I could say that the weather was the least of it, but that wouldn't be fair. (Bless my heart.)

I am not overly fond of swamplike heat, but sweaters in May are standard apparel in SF most of the time.

katrice said...

I don't have to tell you about Texas. Being a southerner transplanted to the Mid-Atlantic for most of my life, even I am having a little trouble adjusting to this heat. I'm afraid this is being complicated by mild hot flashes of the feminine variety.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Katrice,

Yes, Texas is extreme punishment in summer, and hot flashes don't help. It's like Mother Nature is saying, "You haven't suffered in childbirth recently, so take that, and that."

I wish you lots of air conditioning and nice fans.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

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Out, out, damn bot.