Tomorrow is my birthday, and guess what I got in the mail today? A Special Invitation to... HALLMARK Magazine. Omigod. Do I look like a Hallmark kind of person to you?
"This is what you'll get," it proclaims.
"Lots of ideas that cost nothing. Lots of proud, joyful moments. Lots of long, lavish hugs. A wealth of great times. A wealth of great memories, all wrapped up and made easy for you."
Ewwwww. Has it never occurred to these people that I would not like my life to be prefabricated like Sea Monkeys, who live in suspended animation for years until they are dropped in water? I don't even buy greeting cards with canned messages, but blank ones in which I write something specific to the occasion and the recipient.
"Hallmark Magazine really helps with things that matter: What to say when your child goes to college, what to do for a friend going through rough times. How to cope when your parents need your compassion and care. Even what to say when there are no words." Honestly, people. There are always words. We are a thinking, feeling, verbalizing species. It is really not necessary to substitute sentimentality for true sentiment. At least, I would hope not.
"For nearly 100 years, Hallmark has helped people connect & celebrate. Our slogan "When you care enough to send the very best" has come to mean showing how much you care. You deserve the very best."
I do. And I am my own very best. I do not need freakin' Hallmark to help me simulate feelings. In fact, right now, my overwhelming feeling is that this