Sunday, June 10, 2007

I Am Special

I would like to be in the Special Olympics. I'm sure that I must have some kind of untapped athletic ability, and it would be very nice to win an Olympic medal. Preferably gold, but silver or bronze would be okay, too.

I am mechanically challenged, so I think that I qualify. A certain person who shall remain nameless says that I am at war with the physical world. He says it often, and this comment is normally accompanied by gratuitous head shaking.

My throwing arm is not powerful, but it is accurate. I can hurl a wadded-up Kleenex into a waste basket from across the room. Even backhand. The Globe Trotters would want me on their team if they knew I could do that. I would be their secret weapon, running through other players' legs, dribbling madly. They would never know I was there until it was too late, and I would score the winning touchdown. Home run, too.

Also, I am very special. Everyone says so. I don't think it means anything that they snicker when they say it.

I am a team player and will do almost anything for a cookie.

I have not won an Oscar or an Emmy this year, a Pulitzer or a Nobel. Everybody knows that. I haven't gotten a gold star next to my name for brushing my teeth or walking the dog. In fact, I don't even own a dog so it's not fair.

I really, really need a Gold Medal. I can put a shot, or shoot a pot, and my discus hardly ever slips. When I run across intersections, my ice cream never levitates out of the cone, and I once shot an arrow into the air. (It fell to earth, I know not where.)

I have almost drowned at Nice, Jones Beach, and Nantucket, but I didn't so I deserve a medal for swimming. I have an irrational fear of diving, so I think that's a skill we can work with, too.

I am easily entertained. I am cracking myself up right now.

Do they give medals for keeping people awake with raucous, giddy laughter? If they do, I'm your girl.

Afterthought: This post was inspired by watching and working with the amazing people who participate in the Special Olympics and accomplish extraordinary feats of skill and courage every day of their lives.

My political incorrectness is only intended to make fun of myself, and not of the special athletes whom I deeply admire.

Their spirit humbles me.


Tanya Brown said...

Alas, it isn't within my power to award you a gold medal, but wouldn't a sash with a bunch of Girl Scout style patches be quite stylish?

I've often thought it would be fun to design some which could be created on a home embroidery machine and commemorate the sorts of real life events you've mentioned. The wadded-up Kleenex toss is definitely worth a patch, as are the other skills you've listed. I don't know if these apply to you, but I think patches for cleaning the toilet once a month (whether it needs it or not!) and killing houseplants would also be winners.

EsLocura said...

as someone who helped to run the special olympics program in boston, I would gladly give you a medal, just for making me laugh. It is a wonderful program. I would not give you a medal for the tissue toss because it's only tissue, but the not drowning i think should earn you something.

Liz said...

Well, if you can't get someone to give you a gold metal, there are always those gold stars you can get at teacher supply stores. You could stick a new one on yourself every day!

Ian Lidster said...

Putting in efforts with the Special Olympics and Olympians definitely means you deserve a medal. My admiration for you soars and, you know, many times you crack me up to. Bringing amusement and entertainment into the lives of others is definitely medalworthy.
If I give you one, will you give me one?

MsLittlePea said...

I almost drowned yesterday so can I have a medal too?

ok I didn't almost drown I just want a medal...

Open Grove Claudia said...

I'm artistically challenged. Does that get me a gold medal?

Maybe we should make gold medals for the slightly imperfect but in need of a gold medal crowd. I bet we'd make millions.

I agree the Special Olympics folks are unbelievably amazing.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


You open new vistas within my greedy little heart. I never thought of toilet cleaning as an athletic event, but that IS one of my talents.

I'm not good at killing things, so how about a sash embroidered with pictures of every houseplant I keep alive?


Whaddya mean "it's only tissue?" I can get ANYTHING into the basket -- swish -- from the next room, even.

I always say, "Good shot" aloud when I do. I am my own gold medal.


Wouldn't that be cheating? Not that that's a problem, I'm just saying.


Deal. You first.

I haven't worked with the Special Olympics, but I have worked with people who qualify. It is always phenomenal to see anyone break his or her personal sound barrier.

Sweet Pea,

It must have been scary for you. Maybe we could get medals for being height challenged.


I am more than slightly imperfect, but getting a medal would be perfectly wonderful.

How many can you whip up today?

thailandchani said...

Okay. How about a gold medal for blogging? :)



thethinker said...

You should get a gold medal just for helping out with the Special Olympics.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Maybe if it were more athletic, like if I stood on my head while typing.


I haven't done so recently, so no medals for me. Sigh.

CS said...

Ooh! I never knew those things were qualifications, so I think I could get a spot on the team. I'm definitely directionally challenged, and abusrdly unable to control laughter at inaropraite times, among other things.

I once did some of the video-taoing for a Special Olympics - I did the bowling and swimming. I made some lousy film and can't hold a camera steady, but I got close-ups of every single child and the parents loved it. It was a pretty amazing event to be part of.

Laurie said...

I award you a gold star for making my day brighter.

velvet girl said...

The only Gold Medal that I could get comes in a 5-lb. bag from the supermarket. Oh, wait, you're not talking about flour, are you?

The Special Olympics really are a wonderful.

seventh sister said...

The Special Olympics wouldn't let Willie Nelson participate, wither. He wanted to perform at the games in Austin a few years ago and they would not let him because they feared he would draw to big a crowd.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


You see, do a little digging and we're ALL Special Olympians.

I want my medal NOW. "Mom, Mom, MOM, it's not right!"

Your photographs sound perfectly wonderful. The quality of the film was not relevant, and only noticeable to you. What you captured was far more important.


And you have just done the same for me. Gold stars all around. "I'll have what she's having."


I did think of flour when I was writing that post, and no, that is not exactly the kind of medal I'm craving, although a chocolate cake would also be nice.


Yay for Willie, boo for Austin. What difference would it make who the crowds came to see? They'd still be there.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...


Eslocura is right - we must honor you with the Gold Medal of Laughter, Wit and Grace.
Consider yourself honored.
If I was technologically savvy enough to send it to you electronically, you could post it on your blog. Imagine with me here.
I have never laughed at anyone's blog as much or as heartily as I have laughed here. Thank you.

CS - we are definitely on the same team.

Welcome back, glad it went well, you were missed.


The CEO said...

I cannot write anywhere near as well as you, nor can I ever throw wadded up Kleenex into a wastepaper basket. Two gold medals with leaf of palms and stars. Got get 'em!

flutter said...

How's about I give ya a gold star? Or I could bake you some brownies.....

heartinsanfrancisco said...


If I were more technologically savvy, I would give awards to everyone who reads my blog for extraordinary kindness.


You're wrong about the writing as yours is quite wonderful, but as for the Kleenex (and other objects) swishing, I am the Michael Jordan of wastebasket hoop.


I would prefer brownies, actually. With walnuts in them. Cakey, not fudgy, please.

My heart runneth over... said...

I would give you a GOLD STAR or GOLD MEDAL.. just for being you!


heartinsanfrancisco said...


Ok, thanks. It's really the only thing I do well.

yinyang said...

"I once shot an arrow into the air. (It fell to earth, I know not where.)"

... For, so swiftly it flew, the sight
Could not follow it in its flight.

Sorry. Just had the urge to finish that.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


English major, eh? I was, too.

Thanks for finishing the stanza, and Mr. Longfellow also thanks you.

la cubana gringa said...

If you ever want to work on that fear of diving, I can recommend an EXCELLENT teacher. Seriously.

I almost drowned once in Costa Rica and I didn't think I'd ever get the balls to get certified...but I'm doing it! Check THOSE out! They're my BALLS!

Besides, if you do it, maybe you could come do the open water part with us in the Channel Islands in July! You're up for freezin' your goodies off, right??

heartinsanfrancisco said...

La Cubana,

I meant that I was afraid of diving off a board. I can jump feet first, but a swan thunk is not graceful.

I really hate cold water. Wuss that I am, I'd rather learn SCUBA in Hawaii or the Caribbean.

When I was 20, I had a job as a mermaid at a Miami hotel with a 4-story swimming pool windowed on every level. We breathed by passing around an air hose and wore lead sinkers in our bikini tops.

Anonymous said...

Ah, yes, Kleenex tossing. I remember the Olympics in '36 and Barty Maxx winning six gold medals in Kleenex tossing. The crowds in Berlin were beside themselves, the footage was amazing, I recall.

"I am my own gold medal." That is beautiful, a nice thing to keep in mind.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Thanks for the update. I was still in my last incarnation in 1936.

That was the Nazi Olympics in which Jesse Owens, the Black American track star, won four gold medals and Hitler refused to shake his hand.

It isn't only Kleenex tossing at which I excel. You name it, I can sink it. In case you wondered.

mist1 said...

I would like to be on your Special Olympics team, but I am not a team player.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


I'm not really either, except under duress and if goodies are involved. I hate uniforms.

furiousBall said...

I always enjoy reading your blog everyday, there's got to be a gold medal for that. If not, I so deemeth one on your happy ass.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


My happy ass thanketh you very much.

Girl on the Run... said...

I imagine you were talking about the comment here...

I was wondering...

***LOL**** it's ok I changed my identity... from my heart runneth over back to girl on the run! lol

it's not you at all it's me!
all the best always,

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Yeah, I figured it out. My comment welcoming you was on my newest post. I deleted it after I visited your blog and realized you were my old friend.

So, I think this makes three name changes for you? And one change to your blog title that I know of.

You're never boring, that's for sure.

My Heart Hurts
My Heart Runneth Over
Girl on the Run