Friday, April 06, 2007

The Only Good Vampire is a Dead Vampire


I have a powerful aversion to vampire lit. It repels me. Even thinking about it makes my blood tired. As soon as I realize that I am holding a book with a vampire theme, I shove it back on the shelf so fast it raises dust clots in the air. The name Ann Rice makes my stomach twist. How can entire novels be written about bizarre eating habits? This is not the same as my dislike of romance novels. I simply don't read them. End of story.

While flicking TV channels, the mere sight of bloody teeth sends me racing to the bathroom, fighting my body's strong urge to yakk up everything I have eaten for the past five years.

The one exception to this is the Count on Sesame Street. He is cute. His bats are cute. There is no blood. His fangs look more like a pointed overbite. I am as brave as the average three-year old, so he does not scare me. I just don't get the appeal of people slipping their fangs into other peoples' necks. I check mine all the time for suspicious marks. When my skin looks too pale, I worry. I adore sunlight. I cannot imagine that sleeping in a coffin is comfortable. And the capes... so heavy. Does this mean that I used to be a vampire and retain some degree of anxiety about relapsing? Is it even possible to be an ex-vampire, or is vampirehood a permanent condition? I believe the literature would have us think so. Not that I know because I don't read it.

I am not particularly squeamish otherwise. My doctor uncle once invited me to watch him remove an appendix, stipulating that if I had to faint, I should do it away from the table. I didn't. Plus, anyone who met some of the men I dated long ago would know without a doubt that I am not easily nauseated. Still, I worry. It's a good thing I like garlic.

36 comments:

EsLocura said...

I enjoy a little neck nibbling once in a while, but at the first sign of blood, I reach for the wooden stake, that I keep under the bed.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Eslocura,

A wise move, indeed. You're a smart woman.

I have many wooden stakes which lend a nice picket fence quality to my outfits.

The Moon Topples said...

I shall bring up this post tomorrow morning over breakfast, which I am having with Count Chocula. I'll see if he has anything to say about ex-vampires.

The count is a good guy. I had the "Bert and Ernie Sing-a-long" record as a lad (and I still have it) and he keeps singing a counting song about how many bats he has in his belfry. It's been a long time since I listened to the record, but I seem to recall that they finally stop him from singing by turning on the shower and (seemingly) either melting or drowning him.

I do not condone this practice where the Count is concerned.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Moon,

Thee Count ees very cool. Hah, ah, ah, ahhhh.

I do not condone drowning or melting him either. Nor anybody created by Jim Henson.

I kind of like Bela Lugosi, but don't tell anyone.

thethinker said...

I used to love Sesame Street. The Count was one of my favorites, right behind Elmo and Big Bird.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Thinker,

I still love Sesame Street.

Cooooook- eeeeeeee.

Bob said...

heavy slavic accent
lets count how many blog posts today.

one. one blog post.
two. two blog posts.
ah ah ah ah ah.

two blog posts today.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Bob,

Only TWO?

UH-Oh, oh, oh.

JR's Thumbprints said...

I'm finishing David Sosnowski's novel "Vamped." I'm highly disappointed in it and would rather watch Sesame Street reruns.

Laurie said...

Eef ze Count asked eef he could suck your blooood, vat vould you say?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Jr,

Few things are as good as Sesame Street reruns.

Laurie,

I vould chust zay NO.

Kerry said...

I'm with you.

urban-urchin said...

I too can only suffer the Count from Sesame St. I will happily sing along to "Number of the Day" but don't read any of the Vampire Lit either. I did see Interview with a Vampire but that was just because I had some friends who worked on it.

I CAN NOT watch/read/see trailers for scary movies. I HATE them- I won't sleep for a week if I see a scary movie.

I'm also with you on the romance novel thing. But at least people are reading rather than watching the utterly ridculous soap operas (never understood those either).

goodthomas said...

I am with you, oh wise one. I guess I could understand reading one book (though I never had the stomach to do even that) but to pick up novel after novel? I am a little lost.

Give me garlic, the Count, "a pointed overbite", nibbles on necks without teeth, sleeping in beds - at night, and oh hell, give me Guy Smiley.

MsLittlePea said...

Sesame Street is awesome. I loved it so much that I almost get my feelings hurt when I hear someone say that their kid isn't into it....I have to admit, I was a little afraid of the count. Just a little.

My heart runneth over... said...

Being a huge fam of Anne Rice and some vampiric lore... and lots of necking... lol I have to say it's the romance of it I love. However as I was wisely reminded just the other night... it's good to keep a wooden stake around, you never know when you might have to use it! lol All the best! M

Lex said...

Vampires freak me out. The only Anne Rice I've enjoyed is The Feast of All Saints.

I don't like scary stuff at all! I live alone so there's just no need to add to the paranoia.

Sesame Street is out of the question after sundown. Besides, cookies are only "sometimes foods" now anyway.

Kerry said...

Thanks for you nice comments on my blog.
As far as Long Island, are you familiar with Manhasset?

Lee said...

There was this dark comedy a long time ago, Vampire's Kiss, I think, with Nicholas Cage. In it, he goes to this vampire bar and ends up making out with some chick who bites him on the neck. He thinks he is going to turn into a vampire, but alas, no symptoms. He tries sleeping under his sofa in his office and buys rubbery vampire teeth at a costume store. Poor thing. Very very funny.

I loved Anne Rice in highschool, but damn, I was a teenager. It's not like I had any sense.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Kerry,

Oh, good.

Thanks for visiting. I've bookmarked your great blog so I can get back easily.

Urchin,

I have no use for soap operas as such, but love Gray's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives, which are really soap operas by another name.

And I also avoid horror movies, but my feeling about vampire books and movies has a special measure of disgust.

Thomas,

I went to grade school with a boy named Guy Smiley. Really. Jim Henson must have gone through the phone book for that one.

Sweet Pea,

I just don't understand anyone who doesn't love Sesame Street. They have no soul.

Maria,

You'd better keep that stake handy because you never know when you might need it.

I don't know.. I just don't find blood romantic.

Lex,

When you're able to get a dog, you'll feel safer at home, but you'll still have to walk it at night.

Avoiding scary movies helps a lot.

Kerry,

Of course. I grew up in Huntington, and shopped at Miracle Mile in Manhasset.

I hope it warms up there soon, and really means it.

Lee,

I saw that movie. It was hilarious. Cage is such a fine actor.

Oh, yes, we're SO past being teenagers with no sense. I've been making a study and it might surprise you to know... oh, never mind.

Thailand Gal said...

Blood doesn't bother me in context. Using blood for entertainment or as a form of recreation bothers me a bunch.

I laughed at your comment about the men. Good gawd, how I relate to that.


Peace,

~Chani

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Chani,

Context is everything. I can have my blood drawn by a phlebotomist w/o fainting, although I secretly think of them as vampires.

But on teeth, for effect, yukkkk.

I'm sure that most women can relate to the comment about nauseating men. Unfortunately.

Deb said...

Happy Easter!!

HA AH AH AH AHHHHH

Ian Lidster said...

I have kind of a soft spot too for Count Floyd on the old SCTV series. Otherwise, I agree.
Thanks for visiting my blog and allowing me to find yours. Please come back.

Ian

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Ian,

Count Floyd was kind of cute in an icky sort of way.

Thanks for coming by. I've placed your blog on speed dial.

CS said...

I'm with you, vampires are icky. The howle boold dirnking thing leaves me cold. And the fangs going into the neck - igh. But Sesame Street's Count: one, ah ha ha ha!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Cs,

Ok, we're agreed. Only the Count can come to our party, and the drinks will not be red.

The Moon Topples said...

I simply refuse to believe that no one else is willing to grant exemption for poor Count Chocula. He turns your regular old boring milk into chocolate milk, people! He does this without even being asked, and he has never bitten a soul.

Moon Topples
Media Relations Director
Chocula Anti-Defamation League

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Mr. Moon,
cc: Chocula Anti-Defamation League,

He doesn't have to bite anyone. The sugar in that stuff will get you first. Your fangs will dissolve like gelatin. There is not enough calcium in the milk to help you. You are toast.

But far be it from me to dissuade you from your chosen course of action. Count Chocula's exemption is hereby granted. Yea, henceforth and forsooth.

The Count is risen.

Happy Easter, Sucker.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Sorry to be pedantic but with reference to your post title, aren't all vampires dead....as in the living dead?

If the owl is one of your totem spirit, there are similarities with the habits of vampires. Perhaps vampires are the dark side of owls.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Squirrel,

I didn't know squirrels were pedantic, but they are obsessive, gathering nuts and all.

Yes, vampires are indeed the living dead. My title was a paraphrase of something rather obscure: U.S. General Philip Sheridan in 1868 said, "The only good Indian is a dead Indian."

The Native American people still suffer from widespread discrimination as well as for the loss of their culture and sacred places.

Odat said...

If you're going to go with ONe vampire..he's the guy!!!!
Peace

velvet girl said...

The Count was/is one of my favorites behind Kermit (since Kermit was a crossover from The Muppet Show... I loved that show).

Maybe the whole vampire appeal has to do with the idea of immortality. Hasn't man been obsessed with that idea for ages?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Odat,

You bet. He's really cute, and small. How much blood could he drink?

Velvet,

I'm a big Muppets fan, too. I may grow old, but that show never does.

Of course we're obsessed with immortality. Any stroll through a cosmetics department proves it. (Even if we can't stay young forever, we want to LOOK young.)

You're probably right that this accounts for much of the fascination with vampires. And I am also intrigued by the idea of living forever; I just find the blood-drinking habit a big turnoff.

katrice said...

There used to be a show called "Forever Knight." I think it was one of those late-night Canadian sci-fi shows, hence my interest in it. The guy was a vampire who's a few hundred years old, but in his present life, has vowed to suck no more. So there's a doctor who helps him with his thirst for blood and pale skin, but as a crime-fighter, he does good things, although occasionally fighting the urge to revert to his old ways. It was pretty good.

But I agree with you overall. I've slept with my covers up to my neck since I was a child.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Katrice,

It's a hard habit to break.

Keep those covers up. A girl can't be too careful. You could be just his type.