Saturday, April 21, 2007

A Clear and President Danger



I've been trying to convince Flip to run for President. I suggested that he toss his hat in the ring. He has several hats, actually, one for each baseball team whose city we have ever visited, and is able to switch loyalties according to his mood. And his outfit.

I pointed out that he also has a bicycle hat. "Helmet," he corrected me. "It goes on your head -- it's a hat," I replied. He walked away shaking his (hatless) head. I smiled. Gave myself a few high-fives.

Here are some benefits if he were President:

We would have enough room for all the animals that need a home. After all, the President probably gets a very large allowance for new carpeting. He could have an entire wing for his guitars. And hats. He plays well with others. Never holds grudges. Good handshake. He would be paid for doing nothing. I'm sure that Flip could do nothing at least as effectively as others have. The White House has a beautiful rose garden. I love roses. Even though a humongous thorn impaled my finger yesterday, which is now red and swollen, infected, too, and I'm probably going to die of it.

It's unfair that we always injure the hand we use most. I am not even slightly ambidextrous, but my left hand will have to be my right hand soon. We would get to travel all over the world and wave at crowds from motorcades. I've been studying great wavers, and practicing. Madonna is good, but Queen Elizabeth has the best wave ever. Minimalist. The lady never breaks a sweat. She probably had waving lessons. I wonder if people curtsy to the First Lady. I hope so. It would be fun to be curtsied to. Also, justice. I refused to curtsy as a child because it was girly, which made my mother cry. My mother was born with a silver cross in her back and cried easily. I think she had crying lessons. It was always over me. Flip could have a really good band and do his own command performances.

I would be the first First Lady in history to wear blue jeans on Air Force One. Everything else in my closet would be cashmere, except for the ball gowns. And shoes. I would have one of those revolving dry cleaner's racks for my clothes, stretching for miles. Miles.

Flip asked me why I don't run for President myself since I'm always complaining about women being second class citizens. I couldn't believe he asked me that. I have better things to do with my time.

56 comments:

Cursed Tea said...

OK you made ME laugh now - especially the end!!
Its like the quote:
"For a woman to be taken half as seriously as a man she must do twice as well as a man.
Luckily that is not difficult!!!"

ROckin!
Tea Lady

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Kirsty,

I've heard that quote, along with one about women not wanting equality because it would mean giving up their superiority.

I can't take them seriously, though. Some of my favorite people are men.

I just left you a letter on your blog. Please read it.

EsLocura said...

Would either of you consider running for govenor of Puerto Rico, I can't vote in presidential elections, but am willing to vote for you here.

Deb said...

And you could invite all your blog friends to the White House for dinner and videogames! Dibs on the Lincoln Bedroom....

hehe

thailandchani said...

Ugh! Can't imagine a worse job than president of t... oh... ick!

:)


Peace,

~Chani

Pickled Olives said...

very funny and well thought out! lol.

Joan said...

Be honest...the real reason you don't want to run for President is that all our former ones looked like hell when they were finally done living in the White House. :~D

Cursed Tea said...

Thank you for your letter. I am so sorry to hear that you lost friends in 911 and relatives in the terrible Holocaust. I understand why it would make you pounce on the suggestion of any country banning the holocaust.

I never for a minute thought that the US deserved 911 and I am lucky enough not to know anyone who does.

Unfortunately, as an outsider I could understand that there was enough resentment against America for 911 to happen (please understand this is not in ANY way excusing it!!!!!). The Israeli/Palestinian problem is huge. Its resolution would go far in resolving a great deal of the world's problems.

I think my reaction to your post was probably "european". By that I mean that the UK has so many checks and balances against such a thing happening that the country would have to be in a very sorry state (I pray this never happens!!) for there to be any possibility of them banning the Holocaust in schools.

The UK lived through a terrible time in the World Wars and most of us had grandfathers and great grandfathers that fought in both. The shock of discovering the Holocaust put a tremendous sense of guilt on countries like the UK for not acting sooner. (and likely for not noticing that there were elements of the same in the UK prior to the war - Edward the 8th's "abdication" had more to do with his love for hitler than him wanting to marry Mrs Simpson).

So the likelyhood of the UK siding with Iran over the Holocaust is practically impossible. This story was put into motion by the Daily Mail stirring up Xenophobia against Muslims - the plan being "look having these people in this country means that we are now having to deny the Holocaust - therefore these Muslims are all evil and must be got rid of". The big debate in the UK right now is how to communicate to those children who are taught Holocaust denial at home, that the Holocaust DID happen. Hopefully because they are in the UK enough veterans can visit schools to tell them their experiences and hopefully save some young minds.

Thank you for your letter and apology. I have great respect for you doing so.

Best Wishes
Kirsty

Cursed Tea said...

p.s. I never for a minute thought you were being evil or malicious towards the UK - only misguided.

My heart runneth over... said...

I loved that... I loved how you went through the various rooms and the rose garden! Sorry about your finger though! OUCH! I am sure it had to hurt... Being quite the KLUTZ myself I feel your pain!

All the best!
M

My heart runneth over... said...

PS...

You have my vote!

M

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Eslocura,

Don't worry. We haven't had anyone worth voting for in a while.

Deb,

Great idea! Request noted: You get to sleep with Abe.

Chani,

I can't either. Politics is incredibly dirty.

Besides, I just read in the news that the Pope was given 15,000 pairs of shoes, so now I want to be Pope.

Olives,

Then he has your vote?

Joan,

I've noticed that! After a few years, their hair turns grey, and their skin looks like an unmade bed. Still, it's the least he could do for me.

Kirsty,

I'm glad you understand. Thank you.

I have always been intrigued by the abdication of Edward Vlll. On the surface, it seems like the most romantic story of all time, but Wallis Simpson was a gold-digger, accomplished Jezebel and Nazi sympathizer, possibly even a Nazi agent.

Edward apparently expected that Hitler would defeat the British Empire, and that he would then return as its leader again.

It's a story worthy of Shakespeare.

There were such "elements" in the US before WWll as well. Ambassador Joseph P. Kennedy, father of one of our most popular Presidents, had a well-documented personal friendship with Hitler.

In every country, there will always be those of ill will, but hopefully, the good heart and good sense of most people will continue to prevail.

Maria,

Thank you for your vote. I'll tell Flip that there is a tremendous groundswell supporting his Presidency if I can pry him out of his headset for a minute.

We've never had a musician in the White House before. It would definitely change our nation's priorities.

La Cubana Gringa said...

I'd run for the cheese alone. And the personal white house chef, that too. But the cheese...can you IMAGINE what kind of cheese the white house is stocked with???

heartinsanfrancisco said...

La Cubana,

Omigod, I can't believe I didn't think of that. Brie. Chevre. Boursin. Cheese is happening.

I am going to start interviewing chefs now.

Cursed Tea said...

Have you read Philip Roth's "the plot Against America" ?

Its all about that very subject!

Cheers
Tea Lady

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Kirsty,

I have a copy, but haven't read it yet.

The Laughorist said...

Gets me vote. We're not being offered much original by the Dems -- and I'm a lifelong Democrat. Give Flip a chance. No $400 haircuts, ok, Flip?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Pawlie,

I got a big laugh out of the man of the people getting $400 haircuts.

Clinton once had his Beverly Hills hairstylist cut his hair while Air Force One was on the runway at LAX. Of course, he was a man of the pee pee.

meno said...

I am with Chani, i can't imagine much worse than being the president. But hey, better a musician than an actor or a fool. If he'll go for it, i say yes.

What does the pope need with all those shoes?

Pickled Olives said...

Since I am unafiliated, I can't vote in any primary. But I'll tell you what, get his name on the ballot here and I will vote for him!!!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Meno,

He was given 15,001 pairs, one for himself, (red kangaroo leather shoes of the fisherman) and the rest for charity.

Olives,

Flip insists that if drafted, he won't run. You wouldn't believe how stubborn he can be. Even though I highly touted the beauties of Connecticut.

mist1 said...

You don't understand how badly I want to run for First Lady. I have the china all picked out. I'm still working on my platform.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Mist,

Platform shoes are so 70's.

Did you hear about the Pope's shoes? We could roll him or something -- that's 7500.5 thousand pairs for each of us. I'm not greeedy. I could make do.

Jocelyn said...

I dunno. I think Flip's right; he would make an awesome First Husband. Or, em, First Man. Or, uhhhh, First Gentleman.

I guess I want you to be president so I can find out what Flip would be called.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Jocelyn,

First Dude? (Of course, your hairdresser probably doesn't like, vote.)

Molly said...

Probably one of the best advantages of your husband being president would be that you would be first lady---in blue jeans, no less. Out, out, stuffy FL duds....

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Molly,

It's a rough job, but somebody has to do it.

Hel said...

Haha. I agree. Why run a country when it will steal your time away from blogging?

Hmmm. I wonder if they will allow a imigrant dog to run for president. I think Arjun will do a great job.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Hel,

Arjun would be our most popular president in a long time. And by far the prettiest.

Can I help write his campaign speeches? I speak wolf.

Odat said...

Oh Flip's gotta run!! You just have to do that wave! I love the wave...:-)
Peace

goodthomas said...

You are way too smart to be President (nothing against Flip, of course). That is why there hasn't been a woman President, that is what I keep telling myself. Why would anyone want to put themselves through that -- being a First Lady is much better.

I am convinced that Bill Clinton missed the White House so much that he convinced Hilary to run -- he wants to be the First Lady. He's no dummy.

jali said...

Where can I get my "vote for Flip" buttons amd bumper stickers?

furiousBall said...

There are a few seats open for Burough Council here in Medford Lakes, NJ. We need new railroad ties at the ballfield...there, I even gave you your platform.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Odat,

I don't look anything like the Queen. (Too round.) Or Madonna. (Too pointy.) But I think I can manage a jaunty wave.

Thomas,

I think you have the order reversed. Hillary made Bill run to break ground for her. The plan was always to get her the oval office.

Jali,

I am your source for all Flip paraphernalia.

Now he's saying that if elected, he won't serve. I didn't expect such intransigence so early in the campaign. I'll need to put some serious spin on it.

Furious,

And a great opportunity for him to wear his baseball hats.

Kate S said...

Oh, please do! I'll write him in on the ballot. And I hope you find a really funny other first lady to fued with ala Nancy R. and Raisa G. You can snipe at one another, jockey for position - so much fun! OOH! Or even bring some Imelda Marcos style excess to the White House.

(rubs hands) I can't wait!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Kate,

I think what you are describing is a cluster bitch slap.

Jackie already did Imelda for Americans. I'll have to find another niche for myself. Any other suggestions?

velvet girl said...

Considering what a mess is being made by someone who is actually trying, Flip's not trying would be an improvement, I think.

You two should go for it. ;)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Velvet,

Maybe the fact that we are quite non-political would be in our favor.

Really, I'm just in it for the plane rides. I could do without the bodyguards, and the meetings, and that's an awful lot of bathrooms to clean every day.

MsLittlePea said...

So funny! I would so love to be First Lady. Not the President too much responsibility and I'm too indecisive. But dammit I would make a good waver too! I would wear all those dainty little hats and frilly suits and kiss everyone's babies....

flutter said...

There's nothing about this post that I didn't completely love. Thank you for commenting over my way today.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Sweet Pea,

I think they should create a special position just for you. You'd be so adorable that everyone would start to like America again.

Flutter,

Thank you for coming by. Your blog is as exciting as a brand new book with many chapters.

I think I may have referred to "Steve" Gates. Bill G and Steve Jobs are kind of interchangeable, and I slipped a gear.

seventh sister said...

Maybe we could get Stephen to be his runing mate. We could all travel the counrty campaining. That might be more fun than getting elected.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Jackie,

It would definitely be more fun than getting elected.

But there would have to be roadies. I don't carry equipment.

Open Grove Claudia said...

YAY! I'd vote for Flip! He could run under: "You trusted Flipper in your childhood, you can trust Flip in 2007"

I love roses too!

Michael C said...

Can I be his VP? I'm a great yes man!!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Claudia,

Flip or Flipper. He would have a new porpoise in life.

Michael,

Forget VP. If you're a great yes man, please come work for ME.

Repeat after me, "Yes, Susan, you need that."

You're hired.

(I'm stealing all his best people. This could be a problem.)

urban-urchin said...

I'm with Joan. Being President ages the crap out of you- who'd want it?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Urchin,

Apparently, no one around here.

Michael C said...

Yes, ma'am
;-)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Michael,

I knew you'd understand.

Lex said...

Better things like writing great posts like this one.

I'd come visit you for tea once a week...in jeans and flip flops.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Lex,

We'll take our tea in the rose garden with freshly-baked cookies, while our dogs play together. Then we'll cut a huge bouquet for you to take home in the morning.

Which bedroom would you like to stay in?

Lex said...

ALL of them!! I'll rotate through them. And I believe in dogs sleeping in the bed with Mommy.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Lex,

Sounds like a plan. I can see the headlines now.. "Dogs take over White House," or "Is Washington going to the dogs?"

The National Enquirer version would be about flying two-headed dogs from space who golf on the lawn outside the West Wing and attend diplomatic parties, where everybody eats on the floor. Of course in this version, there are giant fire hydrants for studs and bitches. Oh, wait. We already have those. Never mind.

Crankster said...

I loved this! I wonder if the White House gardeners would let you work in their rose garden.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Crankster,

Of course they would ... I AM QUEEN. MY garden. I will be the Rose Queen.

Wasn't that easy?