Sunday, February 11, 2007

Lemon Tree Very Pretty

The sun came out today. It was disorienting as we hadn't seen it in weeks. We went to the bay to feed seagulls and pigeons (and a yellow Labrador who grabbed a hunk of bread out of Flip's hand.)

His owner dragged him away and smacked him, yelling "NO!" while we kept insisting that it was all right.

"It's not all right with ME," he barked. "Don't interfere with my dog."

I never have trouble interfering. It's what I do best. "He's just a puppy," I said.

He kept scolding his dog. His wife/girlfriend corrected me. "He's seven."

He really looked like a puppy. They probably starve him. Besides, if a dog is seven years old and untrained, it's not his fault. It's the owner's.

I would have liked to do a little dognapping.

Since that was impossible, we went over to the Community Gardens with cameras to see if anything was in bloom. I met a woman named Stefanie, who was sitting on a stone bench watching her pet chicken peck at the grass. The chicken was a Rhode Island Red. They were both blondes.

We were having a nice conversation about her native Holland in which she complimented me on pronouncing Scheveningen correctly. It's a lovely beach I visited long ago.

Another woman abruptly confronted Stefanie, snarling, "I don't want that chicken here."

She looked as if she would think nothing of scalding the chicken, live, over hot coals. And Stefanie, too. "The police are looking for it," she growled.

Stefanie picked up the chicken and cradled it in her arms. "For a chicken?"

Flip ambled along and I introduced him to Stefanie, who is a beautiful woman.

The other woman, Linda, had a walk on her that many truck drivers would envy. She accused Stefanie of stealing her lemon tree.

Flip said, "How do you steal a lemon tree?"

Linda ignored him. He said, "She didn't steal your tree." His loyalty is always heartwarming.

Stefanie told Linda that she was gardening in the plot assigned to HER. There is a 5 or 6 year waiting list for plots in the garden. Bloody duels have been fought over less, historically.

Linda said that the assignment was a mistake, and that it was really hers.

Stefanie said, "My husband cleared the entire plot."

"Not my fault," said Linda.

"He worked very hard," said Stefanie.

"Tough shit," said Linda. "You stole my lemon tree, thief."

"Was it a Meyer lemon?" I asked. I was ignored, too. Meyer lemons are the best.

As we tiptoed away, Linda was threatening to report the missing lemon tree to the police. I noticed that Stefanie never actually denied the accusation.

I hope she did take it. I hope it WAS a Meyer lemon tree, and that it provides her with a lifetime of delicious fruit.

And I hope that Linda gets eaten by a marauding band of mangy chickens.


urban-urchin said...

wow, that lady knows how to put community in community garden eh? i'd love to hear how she explained to the police the woman with the fugitive chicken had stolen her lemon tree.

meno said...

The police are looking for the chicken? I want to see the APB:

12 inches tall, with a red comb and blond feathers. May be armed and dangerous.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


I had always thought the community garden was a peaceful oasis. Apparently, I was wrong.


Yupper, another lethal blond. Flip said something about armed and dangerous as we scooted away. He may have been referring to Linda, though.

Cristin said...

Gotta love teh crazy.

Crankster said...

Sounds like she was growing malicious.

Jocelyn said...

"The chicken was a Rhode Island Red. They were both blondes."

And with that, I'm grinning at you.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


If I believed that, my love would be spread pretty thin.

Thanks for stopping by.


Parsley, sage, rosemary and acrimony.


You're a blond chick, too, aren't you?

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Seems like Linda wasted a sunny day.

Just D said...

I'd be upset if a blonde chick with a chicken had stolen my lemon tree.

Seems natural to me.


Lee said...

Criminal chickens and stolen lemon trees. You really have the most interesting conversations!

Bob said...

sounds like the men in white coats are missing a friend.

Christina_the_wench said...

Weren't they missing Linda at the truck stop?

furiousBall said...

If we could harness the power of shit people give a needless crap about, we'd get that money from Richard Branson and save the planet.

Pendullum said...

I think the sun should stay hidden as it seems to bring out the worst of characters...
Yourself excluded...

mist1 said...

I think I'm on drugs. Was this post about chickens and dogs and lemon trees and police and Holland? Your reality so different than mine.

mist1 said...

Except for the dognapping part. We're very similar in that way.

Thailand Gal said...

Police looking for a chicken. Now I've heard it all. LOL



heartinsanfrancisco said...


I don't think she noticed because her inner storm was raging.


If by "natural," you're referring to the blondness, well, no, it wasn't.


There are many wackos out there. I meet a high percentage of them.

I can't imagine why that is.


I hope they get there before she takes out any chickens.


I'm sure they were glad she was gone. She was a major bitch.


Brilliant idea. That useless shit could circle the planet several times. It must be good for something.


Thanks for excluding me. There really was a lot of free-floating bitterness around for such a beautiful day.


Do you steal dogs, too? I once made a midnight raid on a gas station in NC that kept a Doberman tied outside all winter. The temp was going down to zero that night, and he was shivering violently.

I found him a good home with some folks who loved him and treated him well.

Sometimes, crime pays.


I think the police were a figment of Linda's deranged mind. Maybe the lemon tree, too.

The chicken was real.

monicker said...

Don't ever be fooled by those "peaceful" gardening types. I've known a few Friends of the Arboretum who would scratch your eyeballs out for looking at their trees the wrong way.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


I'll keep that in mind. I know you're not wrong. Fur was flying, to say nothing of feathers.

The Law Fairy said...

There's a special place in hell for people who mistreat dogs. (Or any animals, really, but I'm partial to dogs). That poor precious little lab.

And who calls the cops on a chicken? Weirdo...

Lex said...

Ditto the special place in hell for the dog smacker. A stern NO would have sufficed. Jerk.

You have such an exciting life. I want to see a lemon tree fight.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Law Fairy,

I'm right with you on dogs.

We wanted to perform a rescue operation, but it really wasn't possible. The dog was lovely, the guy was a total dick.


My life is not exciting; I just can't stay out of trouble.

I have never seen a tree fight, either.

roonie said...

The Bay Area = NUTS! I love it! I want to join the circus!

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Oh, yes, there are many nutjobs here. It makes me feel almost -- normal.