Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Bubble Head

I have an unhealthy affinity for bubble wrap. I love to squeeze the bubbles until they pop. It reminds me of stomping kelp at the seashore, which I also love to do.

I am in heaven today. Flip needed a small amount for a package he was mailing.

He wondered if we had any in the house. Of course we didn't. I used it all.

"Why don't you go to the UPS Store and buy a roll?" I slyly suggested. I was practically quivering. He looked at me with that peculiar mix of pity and contempt normally reserved for drug addicts and falling-down drunks.

"It's near the back of the store, across from the desk," I trilled. "On your right, second shelf from the bottom. To the left."

I thought I might have betrayed too much, but I am nothing if not helpful.

He knew exactly what would happen. He understands about facilitators. He hesitated. But his package... he went to the store.

I couldn't believe my good fortune. It was impossible to do anything productive until he got back with the goods. I gave myself high fives to pass the time.

I have never owned a whole roll of the stuff. I usually just save it from Christmas presents and the occasional fragile object I buy that has to be carefully wrapped for its trip home.

He brought a 5 foot x 15 inch roll back to my lair, like a wolf regurgitating a kill for its babies. I immediately cut off a large piece for myself.

"I'll just do this line," I chirped.

He got that knowing look again. I hate it when he does that, but it's way too late to salvage any kind of pride.

"You're a real sickie," he said. "Maybe you could join Bubbles Anonymous."

He suggested that I get naked and wrap myself in it.

Nobody realizes the intrinsic creative possibilities in bubble wrap. I am a great musician practicing on my fabulous percussion instrument. I am Snap, Crackle and Pop all rolled into one. I am a perp with a semiautomatic. I am Thor, the God of Thunder, ripping across the night sky. I am once again a nine year old at my cousin's birthday party, popping all the balloons that festooned her house. (I couldn't sit down for a week, but it was worth it.)

Bubble wrap is my rosary. My mala. I am very devout.

Who needs firecrackers for Chinese New Year? I've got your firecrackers right here.

Pop pop pop pop POP goes the weasel.


The Moon Topples said...

This is a fantastic post. Although I do not share this particular affliction, I have other vices that I cannot resist, and its very brave of you to talk about all this so openly.

Kevin said...

Do you pop them one at a time, or does the compulsion overwhelm you and you find you just have to squeeze and twist so it sounds like a machine gun?

heartinsanfrancisco said...


I'm brave right NOW because I've got a stash. We'll see what happens when it's all gone.


Both. And sometimes I step on them. It's very satisfying, Doctor.

meno said...

Hi, I'm meno. i have a bubble wrap problem. It's been three weeks since i popped any bubble wrap.

*Polite applause*

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Don't clap. Send wrap.

Ryane said...

hahaha. That's awesome. Reminds of Robin Williams on Sesame Street, when he had a stick and came up w/like--25 different things you can do w/a stick??? That was hilarious.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

I too have this illness....... and I have no ubble wrap. Aaaaargh!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious, very, very funny.

Wonderful images pop into my head, such clear and wonderful imagery. The conversation with Flip, the addict practically jumping out of her skin, gently pushing him out the door. And then the utter glee of a woman and her bubble wrap. A big roll of bubble wrap.

Slow down, breathe, savor every inch.

furiousBall said...

You win, a Third Base reference!

You know, I like the bubble popping myself, but I always feel like I wasted a bubble when I pop one by mistake. Like I enjoy stepping on them, but if I step on one by mistake that totally bums me out.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


I love Robin Williams AND Sesame Street, but don't remember that bit.


It's good to know that I'm not facing my demons alone.


I'm not an addict. I just have a really strong preference. And a Whole Roll of sparkling San Francisco Wowee.

I wish your blog allowed comments. Some good writing there.


I never step on a bubble by mistake. It is always on purpose.

MsLittlePea said...

You're messing with a dangerous way of life-you should seek treatment. You're just one step away from buying it on the street corner. Maybe you should check yourself into....oh it's to late. I will pray for you but then again,maybe I should try it-just to be sure, just once.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Well, I checked myself into Crossroads, but then I started jonesing so I checked myself out again. Didn't even unpack.

And you should try it. But make sure you get the good stuff. You never know what they're cutting it with, so you have to have a dealer you can trust.

Anonymous said...

I loved, "I'm not an addict. I just have a really strong preference." And you can stop any time you want to? Hmmmm.

And on a serious note, thanks for the compliment. Coming from you, that means a great deal.

Thailand Gal said...

Fabulously funny! I can barely resist the stuff myself. Each time I get a shipment from eBay, I end up popping the stuff until it's flat and spent.

Curious... LOL



heartinsanfrancisco said...


That's right. I just don't want to.

I really loved your entry in Moon's contest. It touched me every time I read it.

I didn't win either, but it was really fun and he did a great job with his contest. I was struck by how very different all the voices were.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Just another of the many things I flatter myself to think we have in common.

Flat and spent. Yup. I have an overflowing waste basket with flat, spent translucent corpses. I'm thinking it's time to branch out as it also comes in colors. Mmmmmmm.

djn said...

Oh, heart. Bubble rehab will do you no good until you admit you have a problem. You'd pull a Britney and only last a day. Then you'd go shave your head, getta coupla tattoos, and join rehab again. This time you'd only last a half day.

On the bright side, I hear addicts don't do as much time as say, dealers. So as long as you're just using and not dealing, I feel there's hope for you.

Oh, and Flip? He knew what he was doing... He's an enabler.

The Law Fairy said...

heart, just remember: never pop and drive.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Thank you for your encouraging words. But as soon as I admit I have a problem, some do-gooder will try to help me. They'll take my bubble wrap away.

And if I do get tattoos, they won't be of dumb lips. They will be Chinese dragons or Kwan Yin, maybe. Or my childrens' faces. Something meaningful and glorious.

Law Fairy,

Is it illegal or just dangerous? I don't even talk on my cell phone while driving because I don't do either of those things well enough to do them together.

Anonymous said...

Then I feel I am in very good company then, if you were one of the . . . non-winners as well. I loved your story. Loved the twist, the imagery.

Now, no sudden moves, ma'am, just step away from the bubble wrap.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Yeah, well I suppose you're going to tell me that nobody will get hurt if I do. I know how it goes, and I'm not buying it, buddy.

They'll never take me

Lee said...

OH!! Have you ever rolled over a very large piece of this delectable stuff with a rolling office chair??!! It is glorious!! I tell you! Just glorious!

velvet girl said...

I love the ones where two of the bubbles are connected and you can push the air back and forth for a while before popping them.

Uh, oh. Now I'm jonesin' for a fix.


heartinsanfrancisco said...


I've always thought that you were a kindred spirit. Now I'm sure of it.

(Yes. I have. It's delicious.)


Apparently there are more of us out there than I knew. It sounds serious. Are you going to go belly up if I don't send you some asap?

Jay said...

I like bubble wrap, but clearly I am not in the class of pure unadultered love that you are.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

That's great, Jay. I'm already sharing it with far too many people.

Who knew there were so many of us bubbleholics out there?

velvet girl said...

I think it'll be tough, but if I lock myself in a room to sweat it out, I may make it through.

If not, the UPS store is right down the street. ;)


Lee said...

I had that feeling too. ;)

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Sigh. I.guess.I'll.have.to.send.you.some. Sigh.


Jeez, guys. Isn't it amazing how as soon as you win the lottery, everyone crawls out of the woodwork and pretends to be your best friend?

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Oops. When I responded to your latest comment on this post, I had forgotten what I said to you previously. I thought you were going cold turkey on b-wrap like Velvet Girl; please excuse my snotty remark. :(

I should get help.

Can I still see your dragon tattoo? :)

urban-urchin said...

I make little songs out of bubble wrap. I like to use L'amour from Carmen to pop along to.

Does that make me weird(er?)

heartinsanfrancisco said...


What a great idea! Can I steal it?

Carmen is perfect for popping. Da da dada da da da daaaa... da da da dadedadada da da da.

katrice said...

Amen, Sister! I, too, am obsessed. Must pop the bubbles.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


We should have a pop 'n' stomp party. There seem to be a lot of us out there. I had no idea.

And now if you'll excuse me, I have to set off a barrage of friendly fire before I go to bed.

Crankster said...

OUTSTANDING! We gave our friend Tom a roll of bubble wrap for his birthday. Nothing inside, just the wrap.

He understood the gesture.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


It was Tom's best gift. Guaranteed.

We were in Staples before Christmas and I suggested that Flip buy me a roll as a present. He didn't. I'm sure he didn't realize how deadly serious I was, but he does now.