Sunday, February 18, 2007

Holy Shit


I wonder why somebody would pile dog poop on top of a parking meter.

After considerable speculation about how the dog got up there, or if, perhaps, the creature who gifted the world in this manner was actually a cross between a dog and a giraffe, or a dog and King Kong, I had to resign myself to the probability that the noxious mess was in fact placed there for our edification by one of my fellow humans.

What would make a person think that this was a good idea?

I knew within seconds of my glorious discovery that I must share it with you. I considered going home for my camera, but realized that everyone who reads my blog has the imagination to picture a steaming, semi-solidified and slightly crusty pile of poop on top of a parking meter.

We all know what parking meters look like. And we have all seen the personal effects of animals whose owners are too lazy to clean up after them. So just put the two together, and there is your image.

I hate to post really disgusting stuff on my blog, so the previous one of the old folks' conga line with untrimmed pubies galore is about as nasty as it will ever get here.

But I digress. Today is Sunday. The greedy parking meters do not need to be fed today. So if someone was protesting the fact that you get only 10 minutes for a quarter or, in some parts of the city, a mere 6 minutes, it would not make sense to do so on the one day of the week that parking is free.

Perhaps the reason for the protest is that the city requires pet owners to clean up after them. I can understand why they would not want to do this, but then, they should not have a dog. Fair is fair.

So I am left with the only other hypothesis that occurs to me: Some person or persons unknown decided that piling shit on a parking meter was the most delightful thing they could think of to do. Perhaps they flung some of it at each other in the spirit of fun, or perhaps they fed prunes to their hapless mutt and held it in the air over the meter until the inevitable occurred.

The more I contemplate what I saw, the more I question whether it was a canine byproduct at all.

There are some really sick people in the world.

45 comments:

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Note to D and Marie:

When I click on Boondoggled, I get a screen that says "Forbidden. You don't have permission to access."

And French Freedom Fries has disappeared.

I miss you guys. If you happen by here, please restore my privileges. I promise I'll be good this time.

Ryane said...

Well, that is quite a visual image. HAHA. Yeah, folks are pretty screwed up, it's true. To me, that smacks of bored, high teenager, but perhaps not. ;-) Bored, high adult might be as easily amused..who knows??

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Ryane,

It could have been a homeless person, which is really quite ghastly.

As I said, I'm not that sure it was of doggie origin after all. :(

katrice said...

Just yuck. I've witnessed street pooping one too many times in my life.

mist1 said...

How do you know it was dog sh*t? Just wondering.

Random note: I had a really disturbing dream about your blog as I was sleeping in this morning. I rarely sleep in because my dreams bug me if I sleep to late.

I wanted to email you about it when I woke up, but I couldn't find your email address.

This post was way easier to take than what was in my dream.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Katrice,

Who would have thought after the spitting that it could get worse?

It did.

Mist,

I don't. I realized as I ended the post that I was making a certain assumption, not necessarily accurate.

I just added my e-mail address to my profile.
flusy@sbcglobal.net

I would love to hear about your dream. Please write.

monicker said...

My first thought was, did some monkeys break out of the zoo?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Monicker,

With personal habits like that, they were probably evicted from the zoo.

I wish we could deport Americans.

Jocelyn said...

I've been missing Le Nightowl, too, btw.

My guess is that it was the metermaid's dog who was allowed to poop on the sidewalk, and when she then failed to clean it up, a frustrated onlooker took it to her place of work and left it there as a calling card/reminder/poke in the sides.

If, um, that makes any sense.

Lex said...

Ha! My thought exactly--how sure are you that it's dog poo?

And while you're at it, what is going on in the mind of the person who smears (presumably) their own poo on the walls of public restroom stalls?

These folks must be related.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Jocelyn,

"Hi, my name is Fluffy, and I'll be your metermaid's dog tonight. The special is poopy. Are you ready to order?"

You have an interesting mind and I hope you write fiction.

Lex,

Um, not allowed to make mudpies as a child? These folks must be reMOVED. :)

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Thank you for not posting a picture. I am still seeking professional help from nude and creasy conga line and also from bald and shiny Britney.

As to the poop mystery, please consider the following hypothesis; in certain parts of the world,(France for example), have very high tech coin operated public toilets. Perhaps a certain visitor, receiving an IQ boost from over-consumption of alcohol, mistakenly decided that the parking meter was the low tech Californian version of the coin operated public toilet. Ta-da!!

Christina_the_wench said...

Maybe it was a personal message to the Meter Maid.

goodthomas said...

This was a hilarious post. You certainly have a wonderous way with words.

And I love that you were not able to take a picture. It certainly was not needed.

Stewart Sternberg said...

If I may be allowed to comment on feces, and I apologize in advance, I prefer to encounter dog feces in the wild, or in the city, than human feces any day. I am not sure what is the nature of my bias. One time, while in the fair city of Cincinatti, while on a business trip, I opened the doors of an elevator and discovered someone had deposited fecal matter on the floor.

I took another elevator.

Now you see, dogs wouldn't do that. Not without an apology.

furiousBall said...

that's some serious dedication to stupid.

wow, and here I always thought whenever passing a speed limit sign that is torn up by a buckshot blast, "who wasted the time and energy to shoot a sign?"

people are dumb, really, really dumb.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Squirrel,

You might be right. There are certain parts of the city that bear an olfactory resemblance to pissoirs.

I'm so sorry for the damage I've caused you. Will it help if I post pictures of bunnies and flowers?

Christina,

I hope he or she doesn't have to clean the meters. On second thought, I have gotten many parking tickets, which in SF are like personal hate mail from God.

Maybe the pile o' poop was deposited by a driver who had just found a $60 ticket on the windshield.

Goodthomas,

Thank you so much for the nice compliment, and for your visit.

I don't always agree with the popular wisdom that one picture is worth a thousand words. In this instance, a picture would have been overkill.

Stewart,

That is but one of the many reasons I generally prefer dogs to humans. I pity city dogs who are forced to defecate on leash because their embarrassment is always obvious.

Furious,

It's true. Whoever put us in charge seriously miscalculated and should be removed as CEO because we have put the future of everything at risk with our immense stupidity.

djn said...

Wow, to go to all that trouble and risk actually getting dog poop on their skin -- now that is something. I think the person(s) was angry because of a ticket but why must that person take it out on the meter itself? Why wouldn't you just enclose some dog poop in the envelope along with your ticket payment?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Djn,

I'm sure we've all thought of doing that. Of course, it is probably illegal in 6 or 8 ways, which could be risky in an envelope with ones payment.

And to think how thrilled parents are when their baby says his first word or takes her first step. The human being is an animal with many marvelous gifts, most of which are misused or wasted.

jali said...

Yuckie!

Lee said...

Perhaps they are filming Jackass 3, The Movie in your part of town. In that case, it's possible that poor parking meter was actually up a human's butt.

Wrote you the letter. Thanks for the suggestion! ;)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Jali,

No shit. I mean, yuckie, indeed.

Lee,

I don't want to go there.

I'll check out your letter to Britney now. Thank you!!

MsLittlePea said...

heehee! I have a hypothesis of my own: Maybe said person is just an asshole.

tkkerouac said...

Great post, great blog and I love those ruby red slippers, there is no place like home!

Kevin Charnas said...

what a shithead.

Cece said...

Dude, why in the WORLD do people do stupid shit like that??? LOL

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Ms. Pea,

Quite a big one, judging by... well, you know.

Tk,

Thanks for coming by!

Funny you should mention "there's no place like home" when your name is Kerouac, as in "On the Road." It's an unusual name. Are you related to Jack?

Kevin,

Gee, you think?

Cece,

Dunno. It's molto strangissimo.

tkkerouac said...

thanks for dropping by with your ruby red shoes, wouldn't it be great to walk around town in those, infact the whole Dorothy outfit.
Yes, My name is Tracey Kerouac
My grandfather was Jack Kerouac's Uncle, "On the Road"
We are all eccentric like him.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Tracey,

Thank you for answering my question about your cousin? Jack. That is too cool.

My family is equally divided between the eccentric and the boring, um, conventional. Guess which side I am on.

Michael C said...

There are people who like to smear someone or something's excrement on the front door to our office. It's disgusting and sadly, doesn't mean we get the day off...

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Michael,

That is truly disgusting. I really hope it's true that what goes around comes around.

Jay said...

Jeez-oh-man, some people, eh?

Odat said...

Man oh man, why do i always read this kind of stuff as soon as I finish eating??? Thanks for not posting the pic...your words say it all...and it's a shame that someone would think this was funny.
Peace

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Jay,

You have to wonder what inspires such behavior, who their muse is.

Odat,

Sorry about the meal you may have lost.

Still friends?

Open Grove Claudia said...

EW! Thanks for not taking a photo.

Just D said...

I hope you have learned your lesson young lady.

Actually, I broke the link and have been too lazy to fix it. It should be back within the next 30 minutes.

Sorry about that.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Claudia,

No problem. It was an idea whose time had come.

D,

You're back? Great! I love your blog.

urban-urchin said...

oh a guy took a poop right in front of me. and then used nearby newspaper as his tp. Now when ever newspaper goes flying down the street I run away- it could be shit paper.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Urchin,

Ewwwww.

See Urchin run. She Urchin run, run, run.

velvet girl said...

We had a dog who liked to do his business in high places like on branches in bushes, but even he wasn't that talented. Whoever did that is just gross, gross, gross.

-velvet

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Velvet,

What kind of dog?

roonie said...

ICKY! I've never heard of anyone doing THAT before!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Roonie,

Well, now you have. Maybe it's some sort of rite of passage. So to speak.

Crankster said...

I don't know--it strikes me as a pretty trenchant comment on the whole parking situation.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Crankster,

Probably. It gets pretty ugly here. Of all the states I've lived in, California has the highest penalties.

I blame Ahnold, not because it's rational but because I hate him.