Saturday, November 24, 2007

Snatch Me Baldheaded


Flip has often remarked that I am at war with the material world.

I prefer to say that I am not mechanically inclined. Fixated on the physical aspects of life, like door jambs, which have always had it in for me, curbs on occasion and low-hanging objects that go bump on my head.

Today, I caught a large section of my own hair in the vacuum cleaner while leaning over to vacuum under a low table. I have long pieces of hair fluttering down my back well below the point it presently grows to. And while I am grateful that this shocking hair loss is not due to chemotherapy or hereditary alopecia, the idea of being partially bald on one side does not enchant me.

I have always been materially challenged. When I was 13, I was lying on the floor under a telephone table chatting with friends when I yanked the cord, bringing the heavy, 50's instrument down on my head, which bled profusely. My mother heard me yell, told the two boys I was talking to that "Susan just dropped the phone on her head," and hung up.

All the years of my childhood, she watched me run into walls like the Helen Keller doll, even though I had excellent eyesight and was, my mother admitted grudgingly but with some wonder, so graceful. She was unable to comprehend how a person who moved gracefully, which by all accounts I did and do, could initiate so many collisions with stationary objects.

It's part of my mystique.

40 comments:

Maddy said...

How very intriguing. Do you have any further insight?
Cheers

Franki said...

I broke a bone once while talking on the phone. Somehow the cord got wrapped around my big toe and then I tripped. I wish I could say I was just a girl.

seventh sister said...

OUCH!!!!

furiousBall said...

I killed a man with a phone once. No but that would be a freakin crazy comment to leave. Woo!

Open Grove Claudia said...

YIKES! Your poor head! When I do things like that I figure I'm just moving too fast. I hope you feel better.

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Well, I think your materially challenged gracefulness is endearing. I suspect that you must be a spiritual being, perhaps forgetting at times that you dwell in a human body. I also suspect that, even though it may smash up your human body, your being a materially challenged may bring smiles and even belly laughs to those around you. Therefore, you are a humorous blessing to others. And, finally, your antics remind me of those of a young female I dated in the ‘60s, God rest her soul.

Crankster said...

A Helen Keller doll? You are so cool!

Even if you are clumsy.

Molly said...

You are brilliant! I suffer similarly, but it never occurred to me to call it part of my mystique. I have to send my husband here so he can read, and perhaps finally understand, that I'm not, and never was, merely a klutz. It's part of my mystique. Brilliant.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Maddy,

Insights? No. Bruises? Yes.

Thanks for your visit!

Franki,

You've got to watch those evil telephones. They'll get you every time.

Seventh,

No kidding. My vacuum cleaner looks as if it took a scalp.

Furious,

It would be. So where would you stash the body if you were to leave such a comment?

Claudia,

I am usually moving too fast. I forget that I don't have wings.

We're looking at a lot of bad hair (hairless?) days.

Nick,

When I was in college, I rented a cottage in the Florida Keys for a writer's retreat.

I had never seen a gas stove before, (and didn't know how to cook) so I turned on the burner and didn't notice until about 15 minutes later that it had no flame.

I lit a match, and the explosion blew me across the room and through the glass door. My bangs and eyelashes were singed off, but I wasn't hurt, just very surprised.

Flip is not wrong about me, you know.

Crankster,

There was a "hate joke" in the 60's about the Helen Keller doll -- you wound it up and it ran into walls.

Then political correctness came into our lives. No more Helen Keller, but I still run into things.

Molly,

"Mystique" is so much nicer than "klutz," don't you think?

It's all in the way you spin it.

The CEO said...

You and my wife have the same syndrome. I don't know what it is, but I maintain high option medical insurance and a credit card just for medical deductibles. I call it planning.

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I suppose I must admit that I, too, must be materially challenged for I, too, was blown from my college apartment kitchen by a explosion—not from lighting gas, but from throwing water upon a grease fire—and thus I, too, spent time with singed eyebrows and mustaches.

Such is the fortune of those of us who are materially challenged (or, is that, “lacking in common sense”).

Have a blessed—and safe—Sunday and watch that vacuum cleaner! Alex, the cat who owns me, has learned not to approach the nozzle of mine from a similar tragic experienc).

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Monty,

Very prudent policy indeed. If Judy is really like me, you will need every bit of insurance you can get.

Nick,

Common sense depends upon a certain degree of knowledge, of which I had none. My parent's kitchen was all electric, and I knew nothing about gas stoves at the time.

I just assumed that I should have put a match to the burner. It only happened once. I was paying attention. Being blown across a room tends to make that happen.

Truffle, who owns me, is not afraid of vacuum cleaners but my blind wolf, Baby, also known as Bigbad, used to tiptoe to the door as soon as she heard it coming out of its closet.

Did Alex's hair grow back? I'm optimistic about mine.

MsLittlePea said...

Are you sure someone's not out there with a voodoo doll of you?

....you never know.....

:O)

thethinker said...

Ouch. Having a phone come down on your head does not sound pleasant.

It seems like I stub my toe on something almost every single day. And, I run into doors a lot. I just can't seem to help it.

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

We humans can learn from our experiences, can’t we?

I knew that I should not throw water on the grease blazing on my stove (that my true idiot of a roommate had “forgotten” to turn off). I thought that I remembered that I should use flour; however, the flour was in the cabinet over the stove and the stove was on fire so I made the illogical assumption that I could throw water on the fire and run. However, the explosion was so great that before I could run from the kitchen I was blown from it into the next room.

I am sure that your hair will grow back, just as I assume your eyelashes did after the gas explosion. Alex didn’t lose much hair in his run-in with the nasty machine and what the vacuum did swallow was primarily hair he was shedding. However, Alex found himself stuck to the intake nozzle and couldn’t pull loose, which I think scared one or two of his nine lives out of the furball.

heartinsanfrancisco said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
heartinsanfrancisco said...

Sweet Pea,

I think there may be several. And you know what? Voodoo works!

Thinker,

Running into things must be part of your mystique, too. :)

Nick,

Oh, poor Alex. I, however, do not shed. These were hairs I was still using.

Being blown to Kingdom Come is quite an interesting experience, isn't it?

Jocelyn said...

I believe you are moving through the world with grace. It is the objects that are at fault; they are drawn to your magnetic personality.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Jocelyn,

I think I love you.

Of course the objects are at fault, while I am never culpable in any way.

Say good night, Gracie.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Mystique? You had us at "Guilty". No need to impress us more with loss of hair tricks.

Angela said...

Part of your mystique, indeed! Woman, you are so funny. I could help but let out a "Poor baby!" at the part about the phone. Will your articles be coming out in magazines soon? Let me know whom I need to call? (Or is it "who"? I think it's "whom" ;)

Hope you're okay!

sognatrice said...

Oh dear. Just like the skin removed when you got the gash in your head, your hair will grow back too.

Mystique is right!

RED MOJO said...

I once pulled a chunk of hair out of a guys head with a drill and left a bald spot about the size of a silver dollar. I was drilling with a long bit, about 4 feet. He wanted to look into the hole while I was drilling it, and his hair got twisted into the shaft. It happened fast! oops, I mean "mystical"

Scarlet said...

That phone story was a little freaky. The only time I was a bloody mess was when I was attacked by a dog as a little girl (I wrote about it in a post entitled, "How It Happened"...how I got the scar on my face.) It's lightened, but I still get asked about it every now and then.

joy said...

How bad is it? With aloe vera, your hair may grow back quicker! Take care.

joy
The Goddess In You
Norwich Daily Photo
Your Love Coach

Josie said...

Ouch! I thought I was the only one who was accident prone. For some reason I think of you as graceful and coordinated. It's nice to see you are human. :-)

The other day at work, I turned around quickly and knocked over a very solid table. It sounded like a rifle going off.

seventh sister said...

You're right about voodoo. I had someone perform voodoo on me one time to get reid of negative energy. It was quit an experience. I did not get sick for a year afterwards.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Squirrel,

Maybe I'll change the name of my blog to "Hairless with an Explanation."

Angela,

Thank you for your concern. I'm okay. It's just another day around here in Klutzdom.

Sognatrice,

My head has so many scars on it that if I didn't have hair, I'd probably resemble a Spalding baseball.

Mojo,

It was his own fault. The rocks don't go chasing after ships; the ships break up on the rocks.

Scarlet,

That's quite a story! I've seen your photo and luckily, you're still gorgeous.

I have never been attacked by a dog, and in fact, they practically snap their leashes to get to me with tongues out, which doesn't always please their owners.

Are you afraid of dogs because of that horrible incident?

Joy,

Thank you for your advice, and your visit.

Aloe vera is my friend and heals almost everything.

Josie,

If I had been there, I would have knocked it over first.

I can fake graceful sometimes, but coordinated, only in my outfits.

Seventh,

I believe it. I've always thought the guiding principle was a person's belief that it works, which becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.

All healing and all illness begins in the mind.

You should make that spell a yearly ritual.

Crankster said...

I knew the Helen Keller doll joke, as well as a bunch of others. It's just so rare to hear someone telling them!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Crankster,

I thought they may have been before your time.

:)

CS said...

Today, I caught a large section of my own hair in the vacuum cleaner

Will you hate me if I admit that I started giggling here? I understand, though, because I have had more of those sorts of accidents than I can count, starting with breaking my skull at 4 weeks old.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Cs,

Oh, poor baby. How did you manage that?

I fell out of my baby carriage at about a year because I went to pick a flower and wasn't strapped in. I still have a faint scar across my cheek.

Lex said...

"The post-coital noise level..."

If that doesn't draw a reader in, I don't know what does!! Now I'll go back and read the post.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Lex,

Now we know where YOUR mind is, Little One.

:) !

Lynn said...

Your writing is hylerious, hilarious, yes that looks more correct...may even be correct..Very funny, you write well and your content here very very very funny. A fun thing to read while waiting for clients to show up. I bet it will be fun to read at home too later tonight, when I plan to come back here and learn more about you.
Those gull haters were the agressive ones btw, you should have told their mother to stop feeding them entirely! LOL
Thanks for coming by my blog today and glad you liked my views of the orange golden gate! Nice to meet you. Wondering how you got there?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Lynn,

Thank you for coming by here! I found you after you commented on Thailand Gal's post.

I totally agree about the gull-hating girls. They should be starved until they become less offensive.

I've bookmarked your blog and will be back soon.

katrice said...

From one accident-prone woman to another, I LOVE the title of this post!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Katrice,

Oh, goody. We can compare our scars over tea.

I lived in the South for awhile and enjoyed the colorful speech.

La Cubana Gringa said...

I feel ya, sister...I've always been Grace inside the dance studio...GRACEless outside of it!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

La Cubana,

Do you do surgery?