Saturday, November 17, 2007

Misery Loves Company

I curled up fetally on the bed in mid-afternoon because there was a kangaroo inside my head, kicking me to death from the inside. I moaned a few times and asked Flip if he could squeeze out a tear or two, even if he didn't mean it, for me.

I get disgustingly maudlin when I'm sick.

"It would have to be a matter of life or death. If you were dying, I would cry," he said.

"Man, you strike a hard bargain," I said. "Presbyterians got no soul."

I am normally the stoic one around here; he is the whiner. Everything I know about whining I learned from Flip.

Here is how many times I have sneezed today: 4,579,563. 4. 5...

It seemed a good time to make a last feeble attempt to cram a lifetime of unfulfilled wishes into what was undoubtedly my last few days. Hours, maybe. I really hate that I've left so much 'til the last minute.

I told Flip of my lifelong desire to be given a surprise birthday party. I suggested that my next one would be a good place to start.

He said, "You could die on your birthday. That would be a surprise."

Bad move on his part as his birthday was last month, and he didn't die. Yet.

We are no longer speaking. Which he may not have noticed since I have laryngitis and can't speak. I just hope he realizes that if I could, I wouldn't. Not to him, anyway.

When I was five, I had the only birthday party of my childhood. Arlene Davin from down the street was not invited as she was six years older, my brother’s age, but she came anyway and demanded a piece of cake for her mother, the shut-in. She grabbed a knife and took half of my birthday cake, which was beautiful.

My mother had ordered it from George’s Bakery and it had sugary white icing with pink roses and crushed, toasted almonds smooshed all around the sides. There were no leftovers. I had hoped to live off that cake for months. I couldn’t understand why my mother didn’t protect it.

Sometimes I accompanied my mother to a chicken store next to the bakery where they did their own butchering. The floor was thickly covered with sawdust, which I kicked around to entertain myself while my mother interviewed dead chickens for our dinner.

Here's what I have eaten today:

Healthy Choice Chicken Noodle Soup, one can
Red Oval Stoned Wheat Thins, one box
One orange
One banana
Cough drops of every flavor known to woman. (My last cold was in January. This link will explain about the cough drops.)

I am wearing my red flannel pajamas, the only ones I have. My traditional sick gear. By an incredible coincidence, Crankster at Cranky Old Bastard has awarded me the Blog Most Likely To Inspire Pajamas Award. Or something.

He envisions me in something black and dark green with red sequins. Slinky, naturally. Of silk.

Trust me, there is nothing slinky about my old red flannels which get hauled out, moth holes and all, as soon as a cold reaches life-threatening proportions, my fever soars like an eagle, and I am called upon to debate whether I want to be buried or burned.

The CEO of The Morning Meeting has also awarded me the pajama award. There must be something in the air. (Germs.) Wow. Two pairs of pajamas, just when I need them most. Thanks, guys.

I think the idea is to figure out what kind of pajamas would be appropriate for other bloggers.

Chani at Thailand Gal - that's easy. Her pj's would be Thai silk with contrasting scarf over one shoulder, tucked out of reach of the Farang Satay.

Claudia at On a Limb With Claudia would wear her Wonder Woman togs, which I suspect she wears under her street clothes anyway to avoid changing in phone booths.

Josie at C'est La Vie would retire dressed as Botticelli's "Venus on the Half Shell." And she'd look damn good in it, too.

Eslocura at Eslocura's Asylum would wear baby doll pajamas in wine silk with matching ashtray for that ubiquitous cigar.

And David of Witnessing Am I, lucky dog, as the only man at the slumber party, would be in maroon-lined black silk smoking jacket, Gatsby elegant, worn with gray sweats from Gap.

If I don't survive the night, it's been great and I will haunt miss you all.


EsLocura said...

Can you please tell flip to let us know when you die so I can show up in my baby dolls and smoke my cigar all the while touting the times you made me laugh? thanks for the award. (btw I did the guilty 6)

RED MOJO said...

Just hang in there a while longer. If you die now, how can you properly torment Flip for that incredibly cruel remark? Revenge is worth living for! Oh, when you have the strengh, I did the guilty 6 too. :)

Anonymous said...

Do you know how many times I tried to give my husband the silent treatment that went completely unnoticed? Hope you feel better soon! And nice choice with the flannel sickwear.

Crankster said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you're sick. Have you tried pushing the airborne?

In the meantime, thanks for passing the award along. I look forward to reading the blogs that you suggested!

heartinsanfrancisco said...


You're all heart, you.


What's revenge, again? He'll probably catch it, and then I'll have to take care of him.


Wouldn't you think they'd notice? You'd think they'd notice. I am not often quiet. It should mean something.


I have to go out for more kleenex, so I'll try some. Thanks for the suggestion.

thailandchani said...

Pajamas? Wow.. um... I guess these blog awards come in all kinds of configurations, don't they? LOL

This is probably horribly declasse, but I'm the big t-shirt PJs type. Does my Thai silk bathrobe count? :)

Hope you get to feeling better quickly! I had that miserable cold all last week. Not fun.

Josie said...

Hearts, I hope you're feeling better today. But, even when you're sick, you're too funny. You remind me of my Freddie. When he gets a cold, he lies on the couch moaning, "I'm soooo sick, I'm sooooo sick."

"You could die on your birthday. That would be a surprise." Isn't that just typical male sympathy?

And congratulations on the "jammie award", and thank you for awarding it to me. What a fun award...!

Open Grove Claudia said...

Wowie Kazoowie! I get to be Diana Prince! Thank you so very much!

I do love pajamas!

Angela said...

Awwww, honey. I hope you feel better soon. I'll be down with tea and beautiful cake soon (and a new pair of red flannels). Jon and I have had the iciest of silences, so I'm with you girl. Poor baby. I hope you're feeling better soon!

Open Grove Claudia said...

Taking advantage of your sickened state, I tagged you with 7 random or weird things! hee hee. I'm running away quickly.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


I think being sick is declasse. I do not enjoy poor health.


"Male sympathy" is an oxymoron.

I'm with Freddie. I'm so sick. I'm soooooo sick.


No. You have that backwards. Diana Prince gets to be YOU.


What kind of cake?

(Hmm. Maybe I'm not dead yet after all.)


If it's the 7 weird things abut me meme, I did it a long time ago. But it shouldn't be hard to name only 7 more.

Sienna said...

Oooooh no, the flu!

You poor baby, the chicken soup is good...sips of water; pain relief for the monster head pounding..

Vix vaporub

Zinc supplements for the immune system (vit c too, Flip can get you fresh squeezed o/j)

Rest....and of course you can have chocolate cake!!

Take care Hearts, especially if you are prone to pneumonia, we all love you very much and want you better; kicking arse. :)


Snoskred said...

I had such an evil flu a couple of weeks ago I really thought I was dying. Ya'all know it's bad when it prevents me from blogging more than the thought of the day. I knew it was especially bad because I lost my appetite completely which is very unusual for me. There were 3 days where I simply could not function as I usually do.

So I'm the same - I get maudlin when I'm sick too.

Here's hoping you live long and prosper! ;)


the individual voice said...

Funny, with the tombstone, I read the first line as "I curled up fatally." Hmmm. On the other hand, I think guilt causes hypochondriasis: we always have something to feel guilty about and so we are sure we will be struck dead any minute. Every affliction will be our last.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


I feel better already, knowing that you are on the job.

I want me kicking arse, too.

Thank you.



Thank you for sharing your war story. I am so encouraged knowing that you survived this hell plague.

I just brought back lots of fruit from the store because when I have no appetite, it's the only thing that appeals to me.


I am the opposite of a hypochondriac, usually in denial that I could possibly be sick.

"I curled up fatally..." I wish I had thought of it. :)

Ian Lidster said...

Poor baby, May you be well soon. Through the veil of your illness, however, you cranked out a hilarious blog. You are very clever and funny even in distress.

As for those stoned wheat thins, have you ever tried the just mildly spaced wheat thins? Just asking.

Mariposa Speaks said...

Yikes...reading this post makes me laugh the whole time...and makes me say in sounds familiar/ this is so me, in between...

Get better soon... ;)

Rebecca said...

I hope you've survived...are you there? are you there??

and I LOVE pajamas - my favourite item of (non) clothing! Red flannels sounds deliciously cosy and just perfect for whining and sneezing in.

heartinsanfrancisco said...



From your lips to God's ear.

Spaced out doesn't get it for me. I like my crackers really stoned.


Thanks for the good wishes. I still feel lousy, though. Please try harder.


I'm alive but not enjoying it much.

That sounds like a song, "just a whinin' and a sneezin'." I wouldn't admit it to Flip, but whining really doesn't help, just as he's always suspected. (Except when he's sick, of course.)

storyteller said...

I hope it was just a 24 hour thing and you're feeling much better by now since you've done all the right things to nip it in the bud. Like everyone else, I hate being sick. One of the many benefits of retirement is not being exposed to all those nasty bugs students bring with them into the classroom and, of course, being able to stay home without having to write all those lesson plans for the substitute (who seldom follows them anyway).
Hugs and blessings,

Anonymous said...

Dammit, they weren't cookies, they were pajamas!!

Hope you are feeling better, much better, though today is a goooooooood day to stay in bed.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Not a 24-hour thing. Still sick. Bubonic Plague would be preferable to this.

Thanks for the blessings. No hugs, though, unless you have a death-wish.


I knew cookies would be irresistible, wasn't sure about the pajamas.

Flip says I sound like a foghorn when I blow my nose. He should be careful because I have germs and I'm not afraid to use them.

storyteller said...

No death wish here! I'm keeping my distance. Have more chicken soup and think happy thoughts. My mom told me it works, but then she told me lots of things that seem suspect today. I recommend Vitamin C and Zicam, but think I already said that.
Blessings (but no hugs until you're well :-(

Molly said...

You whine so elegantly! Red flannel sounds perfect to me, the thicker the better! Hope those cough drops licked some germ ass....

Molly said...

I actually meant to say "kicked", but, whatever.....

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Thanks for all the advice. I agree about vitamin C, also zinc, echinacea, golden seal and hot tea.

Zicam sounds like a pill. I don't do pills if I can help it.


"Licked some germ ass." :<))))!!!

storyteller said...

No pills here either. Zicam is a nasal spray with a zinc base. Works great ... cut my sick time to days rather than weeks while I was teaching. The earlier it's taken, the better it works.

Don't forget honey in your tea :)
Blessings and healthy thoughts but no hugs 'til you recover.

Maurey Pierce said...

Ugh. Please have tea, the STRONG Sudafed they scan your license to buy, and allow someone to serve you.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


I love honey, but not in tea. I take it straight up for my sore throat with a tea chaser.


"someone to serve me..."

Is that an offer?

NoRegrets said...

Hope you are feeling better! I loved SF. I had been before, but it was nice to spend some time there. Did you see I went to ALL the thrift stores on Powell st? long day that day was...

heartinsanfrancisco said...

No Regrets,

I'm so glad you enjoyed your visit here. Did you find anything good in any of the places I suggested? That's the fun of thrifting - you never know what you'll find.

NoRegrets said...

Sadly, the only thing I bought at the ones you suggested were two issues of Wired Magazine (50 cents each). I've always liked that magazine, and I'm inspired to get a subscription now. I did go to the goodwill near my friend's house, and got a pair of jeans (my first stretch pair - comfortable but fit like a glove) and a jean skirt, and three great books. Luckily Ididn't find tooooo much, since I had to carry it all back!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

No Regrets,

Glad you had fun, wherever. I can't recall any thrift stores on Powell. They're always fun, especially in different cities.

Where do you live when you're not visiting SF?

Angela said...

Whatever kind of cake you like. You say the word, and I'll bring it. ;) xoxoxoxo Hope you're feeling infinitely better!

NoRegrets said...

Sorry, I meant Fillmore.
I live on the east coast. :-) Still jet-lagged. Always been an east coast girl, except for 2 years in Los Angeles.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Coconut or chocolate w/mocha buttercream icing would work nicely. Or strawberry shortcake, gateau anything (LOVE French pastry) or just surprise me.

You've given me something to live for.

No Regrets,

I'm from the East coast originally, but I've been out here for awhile.

I'm glad you had a good trip and a safe return.

CS said...

I'm reading backwards, so I see you did in fact survive. I hate colds - so much misery for such a low-grade illness.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


I did survive, but still feel lousy on this Saturday after Thanksgiving.

On the positive side, though, I haven't died yet, so I probably won't.