Thursday, May 24, 2007

Pimp My Bank

I reported an unauthorized charge to my debit card for online music, and after much discussion with various departments at the bank, it was decided that we should cancel my card and order a new one.

"Today it's Rhapsody, tomorrow they could put through another charge for Apple Music," the Fraud Department guy suggested. "There are a lot of online companies offering music for your computer. $12.99 here, $100 there."

I saw his point.

He promised to put a rush on the new card, and this morning it arrived by Fed Ex. (I am sure the Fed Ex charge was more than I have in that account, but that's not relevant. Unless they charge it to me.)

There was an activation number on the back, which I promptly called. I got a sex line. Wow. That didn't sound like Bank of America at all, so I tried again. Same recording.

"Feeling horny? Call our live hot line from National at sixty-nine cents a minute.

1-800 SEX or try our collect call-back service. Talk live with horny students, housewives and working girls. Key word, wet. That's W-E-T. Wet.

Now stay on the line for Pilgrim Telephone Services."

I don't think these Pilgrims came over on the Mayflower.

At least it wasn't Dial-a-Prayer.

I asked Flip to read me the activation number on the sticker. It was 1-888, not 1-800.

I really need to get some new glasses. Or a seeing eye dog who can read.


The Law Fairy said...

A reading dog?

If you find one of those PLEASE tell me where to get one. I would be sooooo much more productive.

Also, how CUTE would that be?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Law Fairy,

You need a dog who can read law books. That's a special breed. Very expensive. Law school isn't cheap, as you know.

flutter said...

hopefully you won't see a charge for that number on your card!! (kidding)

heartinsanfrancisco said...


As far as I know, all 800#'s are free calls.

If not, I'll have to dispute that claim, too. (Twice.)

sognatrice said...

Too funny! I'd like one of those dogs too (law book reading optional, but preferred) ;)

Talking about needing help, this will be my third attempt on the word verification!!!

la cubana gringa said...

Oh heart, you gave up too quickly! Surely one of those horny students could have helped you activate your card!

heartinsanfrancisco said...


I added the word verification because I got a mile-long rant from Anonymous recently, which ended with the threat of another 200,000-word missive coming soon.

I'll remove it again because I don't want anyone to work that hard.

Would you like your dog to read English or Italian?

La Cubana,

I think they're horny for money. They wouldn't like me for long.

Dumdad said...

Maybe the prune poisoning has affected your eyes!

Judith said...

I can just see it now, a very stately looking golden labrador, bespecled and cravated. A bookstand in front sitting in a wing backed leather chair reading... wait for it..The hound of the bastervilles by sherlock hoooooooolmes tee hee hee

Lee said...

Oh that was hilarious!

I removed my word veri a while ago cuz sometimes I get so stymied on other peoples blogs.

Christina_the_wench said...

OMG that is priceless. LMAO

velvet girl said...

That's funny!

I once dialed 333-FILM using the wrong local area code and got something that sounded like a porn version of MovieFone.

Anonymous said...

huboy. thankfully you have a new card. wouldn't it be nice to call in the eye bank, "yah, my eyes are giving me a little trouble, can I get new ones"

Bob said...

boy, I can just see the expression on your face as you listen to the sex line - AND when Flip reads you off the # and you realize your mistake.

what a hoot.

furiousBall said...

As someone who has been through credit card fraud - it sucks! I need a phone sex guide dog.

thailandchani said...

Oh, geez! Can you imagine how many people do the same thing and get the same result? Maybe BofA should change their number.




Beehive Goddess said...

There are two bright sides to this story:

1. At least you realized your mistake before calling the bank and complaining about the wrong number being on the sticker.

2. It made for a great blog post.

Thanks for the laugh.

Ian Lidster said...

But, the 1-800 was probably much more entertaining than the 1-888, now wasn't it? I wanted to do a wordplay on 'Came over on the Mayflower,' but decided to let it go. I actually went through the same credit card crap a few months ago, and it's disconcerting. Left me very wary.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


If I had eaten one more, I'd probably be blind. (Or dead.)



I used to read Dog of Flanders to my Bouvier. He had great reading skills but had trouble turning pages as his cravat got in the way.

Truffle likes Puss in Boots. At least I think she does -- she gets catatonic when I read to her.


I removed it again. It's a nuisance.


I'm glad you're feeling well enough to laugh now. Glad I could help.


The recording I got mentioned several numbers that offered different ways to pay for their "services."

I just don't get the whole concept of phone sex.


You're a genius! That would be a great idea. I wish I could. It's time.


He certainly thought so. He did that head-shaking thing and I was sure he'd say "Loooooo'see" next.


Could you be more explicit? What services would you like the dog to perform?


But I've already committed the number to heart: 624 (my birthday) 2323 (oldest daughter's, repeated.)


I was about to call the bank's regular number when we got it right. (It must be them. It could NEVER be me.)


You're a bad boy. I actually deleted "um" from the sentence that mentions the Mayflower. (I'm bad, too.)

MsLittlePea said...

So funny!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Sweet Pea,

:)))) !

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Hearts, I think it's a conspiracy. I think the phone sex company purposefully has a similar number so that people will get it wrong and then call back to use the card since it's in their hands anyway.



heartinsanfrancisco said...


Oh yeah, after I finish conducting my bank business, I'll just ring up some phone sex while I have it in my hand. (Phone.)


urban-urchin said...

wow, that's better than free checking!

heartinsanfrancisco said...


I don't think it's free.

katrice said...

And who among hasn't dialed the wrong toll-free prefix? LOL I was about to go check the back of my Bank of America card!

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Not that number. It's one you call to activate a new debit card:


Sienna said...

Oh no.

My goodness.

Fraud, sex and far-sight!

I am so sorry, but everytime I visit here I end up laughing my head off.


The CEO said...

And all this time I thought it was just me. Unfortunately, I thought that the service could also activate my card, a money saving approach by BoA. My wife is still laughing at me.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Fraud, sex and far-sight... It's the new sex, drugs and rock & roll.


Your wife is very understanding.

Thanks for your visit!

Josie said...

Hearts, I have debit card horror stories, but no sexy phones lines to divert me, sadly. I think they must do that deliberately to give everyone a little thrill, so they won't be so p*ssed off at the bad service. All we have here in Canada is the Russian mafia.


Jay said...

Wow, I wonder if the bank knows they have a sex line shadowing their number? And I wonder how many other people have gotten that same shock (and how many follow through on it!)

heartinsanfrancisco said...


I'll raise you one bank-shadowing sex line for 2 Russian Mafiosi.


I wonder, too. It's almost like one-stop shopping.

Liz said...

That's really funny! What a difference a few numbers can make.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Yes, liquid assets or bodily fluids.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...


I just laughed my liquid assets off so hard I could barely control my bodily fluids...

You're killing me!

AHAAA HAAAA I am laughing all the way to the bank...


Lex said...

Now we can all call the sex line thanks to Katrice's cunning craftiness. She got that out of you real smooth-like, Heart. Watch her. It'll be your SSN next!!

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Sperm bank?


Oh, no. I was ready to spill. But she is cunning.

Laurie said...

I need one of those too. My arms aren't long enough anymore.

You always make me laugh. Thank you.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Shrinking arms is my worst thing,too.

Hel said...

Oi, just think if you actually dialed the correct number and it was the Bank of America's way to make a quick buck on the side

heartinsanfrancisco said...


The Bank of Ill Repute. The tellers would be hookers, men would make deposits, and everybody would get screwed.

It's the American Way.

Odat said...


heartinsanfrancisco said...


Come on over. It's Happy Dance Sunday!

evalinn said...

It´s great that they offer all three different kinds of women that there are - studying, working and house-wifing. They´ve got it all!

heartinsanfrancisco said...


I wish I could figure out which kind of woman I am. It's so confusing.

Maurey Pierce said...

Ha. I hope you weren't charged.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


So far, so good. My bank is sneaky, though. Sometimes they wait until I've forgotten something before they levy a charge.

Thanks for your visit. I followed the breadcrumbs back to your blog and loved it.

CS said...

Uh huh - you just had to call back a second time, didn't you? Sure you couldn't read the number.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


It's true. Really. My seeing eye dog doesn't see too well, either, and mis-dialed.

I hate when that happens.

My heart runneth over... said...


You poor thing! lol.. sorry I can't stop laughing...

Be well...


heartinsanfrancisco said...


I am so not interested in phone sex.

And I constantly get e-mails offering ways to build a better penis. Of my own.

I am not really interested in doing that either.

Open Grove Claudia said...

Sorry about the music charge. I didn't think you would mind. After all ten songs at a dollar a piece.... ;)

I hate the jerks who steal people's credit cards. I hope they get some nasty karmic justice for that. Can anyone say "fruit fly"?

heartinsanfrancisco said...


My friend here has a very good idea. May they all come back as fruit flies.

They've gotta be loony tunes if they think that no one will complain.