Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Death by Prune


"If I get delirious and you have to take me to the hospital," I told Flip, "remember to tell them it was moldy prunes."

"Sounds like a rock band," he said. "The Moldy Prunes. Maybe. A rock band of old ladies, I thought, but I didn't feel that he should be making jokes with me on my deathbed.

We were out of ice cream, and also mochi. There were no cookies to be had. I needed a snack to watch the season finale of SVU and apples crunch noisily, so I grabbed an open bag of prunes and some Brazil nuts and went back to my show. After eating five or six of the prunes, I happened to look at one. It was white and furry. I spat into a napkin and looked in the bag. They were all like that. I might as well have been snacking on kittens. I am not good at vomiting. I have not barfed since my last pregnancy, and my baby is now a woman. I was never even able to stick my finger down my throat to get out of school; I had to lie about it.

I drank some water and rinsed my mouth about a million times with Listerine. The moldy prunes are still sitting at the base of my throat, waiting for me to drop off to sleep so they can strangle me. Or drive me mad like the women in "The Crucible" who ate moldy rye bread and were tried as witches. Mold is mold, and I'm allergic to penicillin. I even avoid Roquefort cheese. My stomach hurts, and so does my jaw. I wonder if you can get lockjaw from moldy fruit. It wouldn't surprise me. It would be ironic to die of this as I don't even like prunes much. I prefer them when they are still plums.

When I was three, my mother made me eat one and I choked on it. My father held me upside down by my ankles until the whole prune fell out of my mouth onto the kitchen floor.

It has taken most of my life for me to be able to even look at one again. There is obviously a reason for this. I have bad prune karma.

I'm so tired, but if I let down my guard, they'll get me. I am in prune hell.

Pray for this sinner now and at the hour of my death.

Amen.

71 comments:

Judith said...

Prunes for you, Kiwis for me. I swear they have it in for me, especially the black seeds of the kiwi - make my face red and itchy and my throat feels like its shrinking -I end up honking like a juggernaught passing a girls volleyball tournament. I feel your pain sister

EsLocura said...

don't you just hate when a snack lets ya down? the thought of moldy prunes freaks me out, am wishing you well while gagging.

QT said...

That really, really sucks. At this point, don't even buy prunes anymore. I think you are going to have to stick to dried apricots if you want something in that "venue".

goodthomas said...

Funny to think that prunes will get you one way or another (and will come out one way or another).

I hope your night passed without incident and with a settled stomach.

And that is one cute little girl in that shot there. I just can't imagine her hanging upside down, prune falling from her lips.

Kate said...

I think this is my favourite post of yours!!! When I read the sentence about snacking on Kittens, I actually shot coffee out of my nose! (That's a really attractive thing to do at work by the way!) You inspire me! I'm going to start a blog as soon as I can figure out what I want to blog about! You are my favourite!

furiousBall said...

Kittens are delicious if you tenderize them just right.

la cubana gringa said...

I always knew they were not to be trusted, those prunes. And so my distrust of dehydrated fruit continues...

Jocelyn said...

Are you sure they weren't just baby mice you were eating?



I guess that probably doesn't help. See the doc if you need to! What a terrible day--first no mochi (do you ever melt chocolate chips in mochi?)--and then prunes.

thailandchani said...

Ugh! I have to admit that is .. um.. disturbing. LOL ~ Something tells me that if you haven't gotten sick by now, you probably won't but, yeah, the feeling....

(shudder)


Peace,

~Chani

Bob said...

the $64.00 question is, are you now regular?

Ian Lidster said...

I knew there was a reason I've always been antagonistic to prunes. I do hope things get back into order for you posthaste. Wanna know how SVU came out? Ah, the Mouldy Prunes. Actually a terrific and inspired name for a retro-geriatric-hippie rock band. If only Janis were still around, she would qualify. On the other hand, have you seen Grace Slick recently. She could definitely contend to be the lead.
A votre sante
Ian

mist1 said...

My sister's cat was fixed when he was a kitten. His balls grew back within a year. They looked just like moldy prunes.

CS said...

Ooh, fuzzy prunes. That's, um, absolutely revolting. I'm guess ing that will be last prune (or, the preferred term, elderly plum)you ever eat!

Flip said...

Well I guess we'll have to call you Prunehilda.

In the picture, it looks like you're strangling a small, helpless animal. You wouldn't do that, would you?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Judith,

I like kiwis. They have never hurt me.

Lovely image, the honking juggernaut and volleyball-lobbing girls. (I am terrible at volleyball. I can't get it over the net. Too short.)

Eslocura,

Um, thanks for your gagging good wishes. I hope it works out for you.

Qt,

I do prefer dried apricots, figs, mangoes, anything else, really. I only get an urge for prunes about once every few years, but that's over. I will never be able to look at them again w/o visualizing the moldy ones I ATE. (bleccckkkkkttt.)

Thomas,

Thanks for the anatomy lesson. As of now, I'm still alive, which I take to be a very good sign.

Kate,

Oh, thank you, thank you. You've made my day!

I waited several months after deciding to start a blog because I thought it had to have a theme but couldn't think of one.

Finally, I just jumped in, and as you can see, there is no cohesiveness. I write whatever interests me at the time.

Sometimes you have to lower your expectations of yourself to let something happen.

Please tell me as soon as your link works, and I'll be there.

Furious,

Kittens don't need tenderizing, but I'm thinking a nice sauce with apricots and shallots...

La Cubana,

Your distrust is not misplaced.

Jocelyn,

Keep it up and I may learn to upchuck yet.

The mochi I love is a Japanese dessert, ice cream with a coating made of some kind of rice. It comes in several flavors, especially mango and green tea.

Chani,

It was as disturbing as the time I bit into a cupcake after lights out at reform, um, BOARDING school and it was crawling with ants.

Bob,

Actually, it's still lodged in my throat. I'm trying to force it down with coffee since it won't come up.

Is that too much information?

Ian,

Grace is Amazing! I did a post about her in August.

I saw the ending. That show really knows how to punish its characters.

Merci.

Mist,

If the thought of eating pussycat balls doesn't make me retch, nothing will.

Cs,

You guessed right. I will not fall for the pretty packaging on elderly plums again.

Flip,

It was a lambie. He was my fwend. We were insepawable.

Call me Prunehilda and die.

meno said...

A good reason to make all snacks subject to visual inspection.

No mochi? No wonder you were desperate.

Kate S said...

I wonder what sort of prune torturer you were in a former life?

Feel better, Prunella. (That's the name of a character in one of my books - notice, I didn't say Prunehilda so I'm safe...) :)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Meno,

Look before you eat. Novel idea, that. Wonder why I never thought of it.

I now declare anywhere I am as a prune-free zone.

Kate,

I must have tortured a lot of the little buggers because karma is infallible.

Prunella. Hmmm, I think I like that.

MsLittlePea said...

What a cute picture! My sister once ate an entire bag of prunes not knowing they were a ntaural laxative--she was sick for hours.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Sweet Pea,

As of this writing and despite gravity, the moldy prunes have not traveled south of my esophagus.

Deb said...

I love your blog, you are one of my favorite people, and I sincerely hope you didn't die from prune poisoning...... but

THAT WAS HYSTERICAL.

HAHAHAAAAAAAAAhahaHA

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Deb,

I share your concern, but not your merriment.

I have very severe cramps now.

Like the old woman who swallowed a fly. Perhaps I'll die.

Cece said...

Oh no! You said "snacking on kittens"! LMAO

I hope you're alright today & they didn't getcha!

Sienna said...

I am so sorry, and it is with great difficulty I write this, tears of laughter, you see....

Absolute ROTFLMAS...I have good empathy, but my sick sense of humor is overriding it at moment, this is all the funniest!!! The comments from people are hilarious...this is so funny.

I do have a minor question; (and I don't want to regurgitate any trauma): did you not feel fur in your mouth?, sort of, "man, these prunes are tasty,... but furry little buggars?"

I do hope your okay, Hearts, you should probably ring the help line, I can give you an Oz number if they don't provide medical advice in USA...I think it's toll free, I am worried now I've stopped laughing my butt off, especially if you are allergic to penicillin, and Judith who has the reaction to kiwi fruit, that sounds terrible, please keep away from them, that is an allergic reaction, you are all scaring the nurse in me now...... I'm not laughing.

You are all such lovely funny people, please stay well.

Pam

Your little picture with the lamb, is so so cute, you are a doll.

Em said...

Just the thought of fuzzy white prunes makes me want to rinse and spit about a hundred times!

Lex said...

I'm sorry about your moldy prunes. I'd be in the hospital having my stomach pumped. No, actually I wouldn't. I puke like a champ. Remnants from bulimia once upon a time...

Reminds me of the time I bought grape juice out of a soda machine. The first couple of swigs were fine. The last one was a fuzz ball. I don't know what it was to this day... Same thing happened with a tiny plastic cup of communion wine. It took every ounce of restraint for me not to spit the fuzzy out on the white altar linens.

You were SO cute!!! Where's your teddy bear's head?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Cece,

Not sure yet. You'll probably hear me whimpering all the way from Southern California.

Pam,

Your empathy is truly heartwarming, your uncontrollable laughter so comforting, and your minor questions are incredibly subtle.

No, I did not feel the furry little turds in my mouth OR I WOULD HAVE STOPPED EATING THEM. Just thinking of it now is making my mouth pucker while my stomach lurches.

A good time was had by none.

Em,

Duly noted. I'm not sure that my mouth will ever be free of the stain.

Lex said...

Oh, it's a lamb. So I guess it's facing you. I looks like a headless bear with a V-neck sweater.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Lex,

I actually considered getting my stomach pumped.

I could never have been bulimic since I have so much resistance to vomiting. (Or anorexic because I like to eat.)

It would have been sooo wonderful if you had puked the communion wine all over the holy white vestments. Or maybe not. They probably would have done an exorcism on you because you were rejecting the Lord's blood.

Despite the symbolism, I think the whole thing is dangerously close to cannibalism.

Head? What head? He was not a teddy bear. He was a lambie.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Lex,

A headless bear with a V-neck sweater. I bet you do really well on Rorschach tests.

Beehive Goddess said...

Oh, man, reminds me of the raisins that moved. Note to self: blog about the raisins that moved.

{barf}

And hey, didn't the prune industry try to rename them so that they got a better reputation and would sell better than prunes?

Josie said...

Omigosh, I would still be retching. That is too funny! Prunes are ghastly at the best of times. A few weeks ago I decided to make myself a bowl of hot oatmeal, with lots of cream and brown sugar. Yum. When I poured the oats into the pot, a bunch of little meal moths flew out of the oatmeal bag and all over my house. The bag (and my house) was filled with them. I was fumigating for a week. No more oatmeal for me. I think I'll avoid prunes now too.

I hope you're feeling okay now.

Josie

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Goddess,

Yes, they began calling them "dried plums" because prunes have a connotation of constipated elderly people. I like all fruit, fresh or dried, or DID until now.

I'd love to hear about the raisins that moved.

Josie,

Well, we're compiling quite a list of avoidable substances, aren't we? No more oatmeal for me either, after reading your comment.

The prunes wouldn't have been so bad if they hadn't gotten moldy. I can't believe I didn't look at them first as they had been here awhile.

My Reflecting Pool said...

Prunes are just angry plums. There was no botox for them. Jealous fruit really. They know your not a sympathiser and decided to get ya the only way bitter fruit can. Make you feel icky. Sorry.

Michael C said...

I'm a prayin'

thethinker said...

I've never eaten a prune before, but I have consumed mold on multiple occasions. There was the moldy peanut butter sandwich that my mom made me for lunch a few years ago. Oh, and that moldy cheese from a few months ago.

I think it's safe to say that you're going to be okay, unless my body is immune to the effects of mold.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Reflective,

Angry plums, huh? If there's anything I hate, it's a bitter fruit. As opposed to forbidden fruit, which everyone knows is delicious.

Michael,

Thank you. And if it fails, will you please see that they give me a nice funeral?

Thinker,

That's the first encouraging word I've heard yet.

I wonder how old peanut butter has to be before it develops mold. It never lasts long enough around here to find out.

flutter said...

Oh God, I hate those little shit inducing gag pellets!

"I might as well have been snacking on kittens." << almost made me lose bladder control

thailandchani said...

Question of the evening:

Now that it's been over 24 hours, are you okay? :)


Peace,

~Chani

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Flutter,

Strangely, I wasn't trying to induce anything. I just couldn't find more appetizing stuff to snack on.

Chani,

Thanks for asking. There is still a mass sitting in my throat, and I have cramps. But on the bright side, I'm still alive, which means a lot to me.

Dumdad said...

Funny post from an unfunny situation. Stick to cherries. Hope you get well soon.

Christina_the_wench said...

So.... are you still amongst us? Lord I hope so! Poor thing...

Get better and look before you eat, woman.

jali said...

Hey! I commented here the other day and it was the wittiest and sharpest comment I've made in quite a while. (heh-heh - the junk I wrote the other day isn't here and I can pretend that what I wrote was great)

I can't remember the post so I can't make the same comment.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Dumdad,

Good idea. Did you know that cherries are good for pain as well as tasting great?

Christina,

Now you tell me.

Still here. Too mean to die, I reckon.

Jali,

Did Blogger eat your comment? I'm sorry, but it wasn't me. I eat only rotten, moldy stuff, and your comments never fit that description.

nmj said...

I might as well have been snacking on kittens.

hey san fran, this is a great line, hope you doing okay & didn't suffer ill effects!

evalinn said...

Hope u feel better soon!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Nmj,

Hey, I've missed you! No ill effects except for an abiding disgust for prunes. Thank you.

Evalinn,

Thank u for your good wishes, and for your visit.

Lee said...

You just need to shave the kittens...I mean prunes before you eat them.

Ahem.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Lee,

What kind of wine do you suggest?

Jay said...

Sweetie, I wish I could be your prune protecter.
Hope you didn't die!

The Law Fairy said...

It's illogical, but: I love bleu cheese, and have a deathly fear of any other mold.

Seriously, if a single strawberry has a hint of fuzz on it, it and all nearby food must go. Anything it has touched or possibly breathed on.

Mold Monster would make like the scariest villain ever.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Jay,

Now there's a perfect example of seeing a need and creating your own job. You're hired. Lucky girl, you get to be my zoo keeper.

Law Fairy,

I normally check carefully for mold and discard everything it touched, too. The fact that I didn't this time disgusts me and I still feel sick from it.

I think I'm Mold Monster.

Molly said...

If you're really on your deathbed Flip could book The Moldy Prunes to sing at your funeral. You may be dying of bad prunes ,[how did you get to six before copping on that they were kittens? I mean furry?] I'm dying of laughter. Sorry. Composes face. I hope you have a speedy recovery....

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Molly,

Your sympathy is touching.

I was committing suicide by prune while watching actors get shot on SVU.

It was one of those nights when everybody dies.

urban-urchin said...

*shudder* I'm so sorry. That's so gross.

velvet girl said...

Just thinking about moldy prunes is making me queasy and I just ate breakfast. I just may be able to do that vomiting that you weren't able to do. Bleh!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Urchin,

I agree, totally. I still feel messed up, but at this point, it may be psychological.

Velvet,

I would be so grateful if you could. I am gag-impaired.

Sorry about your breakfast. I bet it wasn't stewed prunes.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Oh Hearts!

Hope you are feeling better! I am SO sorry to hear this!
I was always suspicious of prunes myself. Raisins, I like... prunes... whose idea was THAT anyway?

best healthy thoughts...
Scarlett

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Scarlett,

I'm going to snub raisins too, since they are related to other icky things. A girl can't be too careful.

katrice said...

Prunes are only for constipation emergencies, and then only in liquid form. Raisins are awful too.

I'm glad you survived. I would have never forgiven the little varmints.

You were a GORGEOUS little girl!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Katrice,

I've never thought of constipation as an emergency. It seems like the opposite would be more of one.

I don't like raisins either, especially IN things.

Aren't all little girls gorgeous?

I am not Star Jones said...

Fruit (especially moldy fruit) doesn't go with SVU -- you need popcorn or wasabi peas for that kind of TV watching.

I'm glad you survived but please don't do that again.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Star,

You're right. Wasabi peas and maybe some raw animal entrails dangling from the mouth would be more appropriate.

Odat said...

OMG....I'll throw up for ya...that just made me gag! Hope you're feeling better tho......Hey is that your pic???? AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
What a cutie!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Odat,

Thanks for your kind offer. I need all the help I can get, being retch-challenged as I am.

flip said...

Well, I'm glad moldy prunes don't kill you and I'm double glad you're not eating moldy rye bread, which is the makings for a powerful hallucinogen (unless you're into that kind of recreation.)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Flip,

It's true that I'm not dead YET, but I still need lots of care and special dispensations.

I think moldy rye bread has the same effects as LSD, which is why I don't feed it to the birds.

On the other hand, the thought of a seagull Woodstock is intriguing.

My heart runneth over... said...

Aww... well I know because I am reading backwards you are well... but please.. watch out for those damn things..

Considering the fact that I am the most accident prone person in the world that I know.. it truly sounds like something I would have done.

M

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Maria,

I'm accident prone, too. Otherwise known as klutzy. But I rarely eat anything without noticing its condition.

I am a person in need of supervision.

Open Grove Claudia said...

You're so cute! Now wonder your kids are so cute.

Yeah, prunes. I hope it never comes to that.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Claudia,

That's the really sick part -- besides the um, mold, I mean. I wasn't eating them as medicine, but because we had a shortage of snack food and I like dried fruit in general.

Soooooo unfair.