Gray Panther Power

A serial bank robber dubbed the "Geezer Bandit" by the FBI robbed his seventh bank in San Diego County this week. The man appears to be in his 70's and totes an oxygen tank. He also carries a snub-nosed revolver inside a day planner with which he threatens tellers and is considered "armed and dangerous." When he receives the money, he tucks it into the day planner and strolls out of the bank.

The FBI, San Diego Police Department and San Diego County Sheriff's Department are offering a $16,000 reward for information leading to the arrest and conviction of the man, who began robbing area banks in August of last year. I think he's worth more than that, just for the movie rights. He is described as white, 6 feet tall, and weighs about 190 pounds. Some witnesses have said the robber may be wearing an old-man mask, which is reminiscent of the 90's movie, Point Break, in which a gang of surfers robs banks wearing rubber masks of ex-presidents. Bonnie and Clyde move over. I think we have ourselves a new folk hero.

This is what happens when the government doesn't give Social Security cost-of-living increases.

IQ Tests Should be Required for Parenthood

A 7-month-old baby named Sofia Wisher died in Antioch, California after being left inside her family's car Saturday night for over 14 hours. They returned home from doing laundry at a relative's house and carried their clean clothes and their two-year old inside, but each parent claims to have thought the other removed the baby from her car seat and put her to bed.

The father woke up at noon the next day and drove to the gym without noticing that Sofia was still in the car. When the mother awoke even later, she discovered that the baby was not in her crib, so she called the In-Shape Sport Club where her husband was working out and the staff tracked him down. Police were called to the parking lot where the baby was pronounced dead. The temperature in the locked car was over 110 degrees. The coroner's office said the death appeared to be a tragic accident.

What is surely accidental is that this self-absorbed neglectful couple became parents. How can anyone condone such a shocking lack of interaction between parents and child? Babies need to be fed and changed often, yet it seems not to have occurred to either of them to tend to their children.

This is one of the best arguments I have ever heard for abortion -- of the parents.

RIP, My Friend

I just learned some shocking news. Chani of the blog "Finding My Way Home" died on March 23rd. While we have never met in person, we emailed each other often and chatted on the phone many times. She was in the process of moving, and I thought that perhaps I couldn't reach her because she wasn't yet hooked up in her new place. Today I remembered the name of the apartment complex she was moving to, and just got off the phone with the manager who told me that "no one can speak to her now but Jesus."

I don't know what happened, but I'm very sad. If I recalled the name of the family whose home she rented space in for many years, I would call them. Chani was only in her 50's, a highly intelligent, courageous and compassionate woman and a good friend. She had a small dog named Shanti. I don't know what will become of the dog. I will miss Chani, and I know that many of you will, too. If anyone knows of a way we can honor her memory, please share it. Thank you.

Make PETA Extinct

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has lost its way. For weeks they have been shoving Pamela Anderson down our throats as a contestant on Dancing With the Stars, and now they have announced the winners of their Sexiest Vegetarian contest. The female winner is - surprise! a Pamela Anderson look-alike: Voluntary blond hair, collagen-laced lips and of course, grotesquely enhanced mammaries. Why didn't they just select a cow to win their trip to Maui? They're vegetarians, too. I didn't include her name because bimbos all have interchangeable parts.

Pamela Anderson may be an animal lover, but she also owes about $500,000 on her Income Tax. Not my definition of ethical. She is no stranger to these pages, however. I first blogged about her when I was a newbie. The marriage I sneered wrote about ended less than a year later after she allegedly feigned a miscarriage to dance on other men's tables, but alas, she is still with us.

I liked PETA better when they were protecting penguins in Antarctica.

The Bad Ole Days

Confederate History Month sounds like a bad Saturday Night Live skit for April Fool's Day. The Governor of Virginia, Bob McDonnell, says that Confederate history "should not be forgotten, but instead should be studied, understood and remembered" because its leaders "fought for their homes and communities and Commonwealth in a time very different than ours today." The Spanish Inquisition, the Holocaust and the Crusades were also different times, but that is no excuse to celebrate them.

The NAACP objected. Can you imagine? Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour claims that he was not aware of any complaints that the holiday was offensive and says the "dustup" over Virginia's proclamation seems like a "nit," a lot of noise over something that "doesn't amount to diddly." I wonder why the state with the largest Black population in the nation doesn't have a Black Governor, and also why no one has put a muzzle on this guy. His white hood probably got in the way.

Are You the Party to Whom I am Speaking?

Will the real Vernon Pope stand up? For over six years, I have received dunning phone calls for him despite at least five conversations with various offshore Customer Disservice folks with Indian accents, each of whom assured me that my number would be removed from their annals. They all lied.

Exactly what part of "We don't know him - this is not his number" do they fail to understand? It seems that his debt, however large, should have fallen off his credit report by now. I think this occurs after seven years, but during that time a lot of buying and selling of accounts transpires among collection agencies. Kind of like a Virginia Reel, or a very large cluster fuck.

Meanwhile, Vernon Pope is doubtless living it up in Tahiti or Marrakech, leaving me holding the bag. He is laughing as he sips countless mai tais on breezy verandahs because he knows that I am taking care of business. But he is deluded. I want a divorce. We have never met, nor do I have the slightest interest in doing so, yet he has caused me considerable distress as countless debt collectors invade my life at all hours, demanding money on his behalf.

Vernon Pope, you and I have irreconcilable differences, and it's time you manned up and took responsibility for your own steaming pile of bills. Nowhere in that custody agreement am I mentioned as a person who will tend your errant progeny without benefit. You need to euthanize it, humanely or not. It makes no difference to me -- I have no dog in this fight.

Only changing my phone number will get rid of you, but I should not have to incur further inconvenience. I hope you understand that we cannot keep going like this. I want my freedom. Oh, Vernon Pope. we hardly knew ye.

Blindsided Yet Again

Things just get better and better for Sandra Bullock. Now rumors have surfaced that one of Jesse James' mistresses - I'm not sure which one because I am mathematically challenged over 1,000 - was pregnant with his child within weeks of his marriage to the Academy Award winning actress.

James' lawyer claims that his client is a "broken man." "This whole thing has destroyed Jesse's entire universe," he said. "Right now, he's a broken man." This would seem to imply that an arbitrary universe caused these events to happen to a passive, helpless James. What a grotesque attempt at damage control! Adultery doesn't just happen -- you have to take off your clothes first. He is portrayed as desperate to save his marriage and allegedly told Bullock that he would get help “like Tiger" because he is still in love with her. Does he think that broaching the "T" word somehow elevates his behavior? Safety in numbers maybe? I'm sure that he and his role model will be a great comfort to each other in dick rehab.

"The single most important thing to Mr. James and the children is that the marriage somehow survive," his lawyer declared. He even said it with a straight face, which is quite impressive. He probably gets a few million extra for that.

When all else fails, round up the usual suspects. The Oscar Curse. Give me a break. Meryl Streep has won so many times that she probably has an entire wing of her house consecrated to her statues, and has been married to the same man for 89 zillion years. I'm guessing the dude does not cheat.