The Law is a Ass

I originally intended to call this blog "Quaintness and Absurdity in Everyday Life." I was reminded of this today when I read a news article about a Denver bus driver who pushed three people out of the path of a speeding pickup truck, and was later ticketed in his hospital bed for jaywalking by the Colorado State Patrol.

Jim Moffett and a passenger on his bus had helped two elderly women cross a busy street during a snowstorm. As Moffett saw the truck careening toward them, he pushed the three other people out of harm's way but had no time to save himself. His injuries were serious and he is now in intensive care.

This bizarre circumstance inspired me to find out what other weird laws exist. It turns out there are quite a lot of them:

In Alabama, it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle. (Blind drunk is ok, though.)

In California, it's illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license. (How the West was won.)

Also, in our fair state, a person must own at least two cows before he is permitted to wear cowboy boots in public. (As usual, the unfashionistas are missing the point.)

In Ohio, it is against state law to get a fish drunk. (But everyone knows they drink like a fish.)

In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth. (Yep. Can't let Nellie eat more than her share, now can we?)

In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon more than six-feet long. (So I have to leave my rocket launcher home when I attend the Derby?)

It is also the law that everyone must take a bath at least once a year. (All together now: Whether they need it or not.)

In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed. (Yet another stunning advantage to being married.)

Also, in the Sunshine State, an elephant tied to a parking meter must pay a regular parking fee. (It's only fair.)

Hunting and killing a deer while swimming is illegal. (Is it ok if only the deer is swimming?)

In Maine, it's illegal to bite the landlord, no matter how much he deserves it. (Landlord-tenant laws really need revising.)

In Illinois, it's against the law to speak English. (Explains a lot.)

It's also illegal to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets. (Does that include hamsters? Oh, damn.)

It is a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day. (Does that mean we're not cruising the Greek Isles, honey?)

In Iowa, horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants. (Then why do they make them so tasty?)

In Maryland, it's illegal to take a lion to the movies. (Clearly discriminatory. If I lived there, my Senator would hear about this.)

It's illegal to take a bath in Massachusetts unless one has been ordered by a physician to do so. (We all know how that goes: When you make them illegal, the criminal element flourishes.)

In Nevada, it's illegal to drive a camel on the highway. (But they get such great mileage.)

Whale hunting is strictly forbidden throughout the entire state of Oklahoma. (Especially the coastal parts.)

In Oregon, a dead person cannot be required to serve on a jury. (What a relief.)

In Tennessee, it's illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish. (But so much more sporting than shooting them.) You can't shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile. (No wonder they're endangered.)

It is also illegal in TN to drive a car while sleeping. (But perfectly legal to make laws while unconscious.)

In Utah, birds have the right of way on all highways. (Especially the ones with 50 or 60 wives to support.)

Pharmacists may not sell gun powder as a headache cure. (But it's so effective, especially if you buy a gun with it.)

In Washington State, having sex with a virgin is illegal under any circumstances, including the wedding night. (Population control at its best.)

It's also illegal to ride in the streets on an ugly horse. (There are no ugly horses, only ugly people.)

In Wisconsin, it's illegal to wake a fireman when he's sleeping. (Planning is everything.)

In Alaska, it's forbidden to push a moose out of a plane in motion. (Shooting wolves from planes is legal, though.)

It isn't only in America that we have absurd laws. In France, it is forbidden to call a pig Napoleon. (But ok for a pastry.)

Some of them have probably been on the books for awhile:

In London, it's illegal to flag down a taxi if you have the plague. (What if the taxi driver has it, too?) It is also illegal for a London cab to carry rabid dogs or corpses. (This one begs clarification. Does it mean rabid dog corpses or might the corpses be of any species, not necessarily canine? It is difficult to follow the laws if one does not understand them.)

It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament. (Not sure if that applies only to Parliamentarians, or to others who might be visiting the building for any reason. Please advise ASAP.)

It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside down. (How can you tell?)

Wait. It gets worse.

In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad. (Seems a tad harsh, unless the shooters are blind drunk, too.)

In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation. (But ones head is not the offending organ.)

In New York, the penalty for jumping off a building is death. (Even if I promise not to do it again?)

I would like to be a law-abiding citizen, I really would, but they don't make it easy for those of us who have not had lobotomies. I think they're saving them all for our lawmakers.