Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Fitness Guru



Last night, I bought a Fitness Magazine because I ran out of time to speed-read it on line at the supermarket. The lead article, "Easy ways to... A FLAT BELLY" caught my eye. I am a slim person who has developed a pooch of late which looks enormous to me. I am used to being concave, so any other state of affairs is tantamount to waking up to find that someone has moved the furniture, or an alien has taken over my body.

When I was pregnant, I didn't look it. I only wore maternity clothes the third time, and she was my smallest baby. They don't make pregnancy outfits for my age group, so this is creating serious wardrobe problems. I may need to buy my dresses in camping stores soon. If the Coleman tent look is in, I'm not aware of it.

Today, I noticed the magazine, which I had already forgotten about, and took it to the launderette instead of "Possible Side Effects" by Augusten Burroughs, which is much more entertaining. I flipped through page after page of weight-loss ads cleverly disguised as articles until I found it. The page that would make my stomach flat again. Page 104. Belly- Flattening Routine.

And there they were -- exercises! Difficult-looking and doubtless extremely painful exercises with which to torture my body. I couldn't believe it. Who do they think I am, Denise Damn Austin or some limber yogini who never heard of ice cream? I really thought that just buying the magazine would do the trick. And maybe giving up a cookie a week or something. Everyone always says it's the thought that counts. What a rip-off. I've been had.

I noticed a new line of products in Sephora recently, Fat Girl Slim unguents made with caffeine which are rubbed on body fat. This is supposed to make it disappear instantly. Yeah, right. Still, I was intrigued. I got a sample. I rubbed it in. Except for a greenish tinge, my abs looked the same. (Can I even refer to them as "abs" if they are not lean, muscular, super-toned and reeking of steroids? I'm not sure if I am entitled to use that term. I should probably refer to my "mid section" or "abdominal area," just to be safe. My "gut." I don't want any super-fit workout Nazis working me over because I infringed on their word.)

I will keep rubbing until the sample runs out, but I've lost my faith. This morning I spilled strong coffee on myself and nothing happened, except to my keyboard. I didn't even get burned because my coffees are all blonds, way too much cream to do bodily harm other than going directly to my belly. Years ago, I took belly dance lessons but wasn't very good because I had no belly, and all the tassels, tiny bells and peacock feathers in the world could not change that. Be careful what you wish for.

22 comments:

thailandchani said...

You know what's really strange.. is that the best exercise I've found for the protruding belly is rather simple.. and not all that painful.

Stand still and lift your knee repeatedly... 30 or 40 times with each leg.

It hurts where it's supposed to hurt.. and doesn't involve excess equipment, money or laying down on the ground. :)


Peace,

~Chani

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Chani,

I'll try it. Right now. Gotta go. Bye.

meno said...

You could try doing sit ups with the magazine on your chest for extra weight?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Meno,

Or I could sleep with it under my pillow. Or torch it while muttering incantations to the god of small bellies.

eastcoastdweller said...

That god must be rather peeved with us all, for Your dillema is one that many of us share.

And it seems that the same people who would never dare poke you in the butt and say, "Man, your hiney is fat," feel perfectly free to jab your tummy and make jokes about it.

goodthomas said...

And I thought reading this post might help with my tummy but I am looking down now and I see no improvement. So, you are right, unfortunately -- the thought doesn't count.

That's it. I am not wishing for anything. Any more. Nothing. Nope.

la cubana gringa said...

I have a small little waist as well...it's my ass that's the slight problem. There ain't no magazine that can make THAT go away!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Eastcoaster,

Patting my tummy is definitely contraindicated. I am not a puppy.

Thomas,

There is really nothing to do but take up belly dancing again, now that I have the right equipment.

La Cubana,

Here's an old folk remedy: Open the magazine to the page with ass exercises and place it over yours while sleeping. Sleep for a very long time, and call me in the morning.

That should take care of the problem. Be sure to pay on the way out. (I have to buy more magazines.)

seventh sister said...

Let us all know if sleeping with the mag anywhere on your body works or if burning it with incantations does. Be sure to let us know which mag and which month it is so that we cam all get one and do the same.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Seventh,

It's the current issue of "Fitness" pictured here but oddly, the featured article is different in the hard copy. Maybe it's a regional thing.

Sleeping with it didn't work. I'll tell you what happens after I burn it.

The CEO said...

I have experience here. Nothing works.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Monty,

Oh.

katrice said...

I've got about 7 pounds to lose, and I'm convinced that 6.5 of them are around my tummy. When you find the answer -- the one that doesn't mean I have to give up french fries -- let me know.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Katrice,

Your French fries are my cookies.

And to think that when I was in my 20's, I used to force-feed myself 2 or 3 banana right before going to the beach in my bikini so I wouldn't be quite so concave in the middle.

Sigh.

urban-urchin said...

I just read your last comment about force feeding yourself prior to sunbathing, and I kinda hate you now (not really, just WAAY jealous)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Urchin,

I no longer stuff face before going to the beach.

We never realize what we have until we lose it.

Open Grove Claudia said...

Um... Liposuction also works. Now that you are a Californian, you should get it to fit in.

I love FatGirlSlim. Mostly because it's a nice caffeine buzz without all the work of drinking coffee.

But then, I do a lot of sit ups. Matthew McConaughey does 3,000 a day. I don't do that many.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Claudia,

Lipo is quite expensive, too.

The product actually works? Oh, glory be. I'll buy some.

McConaughey is gorgeous, but who does 3,000 sit-ups a day? I am considerably less motivated than that.

In high school, my gym partner always did my situps; then we switched sides and she did her own.

In return, I did her rope climbing every time. The gym teacher never noticed.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Hearts,

You could belly laugh properly now.
That's a plus. Not plus size, though, just a bonus.

I'm on my way to go get some praline ice cream.
How many scoops would you like? I'm getting two.

Scarlett & Viaggiatore

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Scarlett,

I have a half-gallon of butter pecan in the freezer, Breyer's. Mmmmmmm. Also peach.

I need to go around the corner and bag some Hagen Dazs pineapple-coconut now. And mango.

At least I'm earning my belly.

CS said...

Okay, so I read the post and then through the comments, and now all I can think about is ice cream. Thanks. (Have you tried Ben & Jerry's Karamel Sutra? So very, very good.)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Cs,

Not yet, but I will.

I also highly recommend coconut gelati and also ginger gelati, both available (sometimes) at Trader Joe's.

I have to go out now.