Sunday, August 27, 2006

The Spittin' Image


"Toreador,
Don't spit on the floor.
Use the cuspidor,
Waddya think it's for?"

Why do people have to spit in the street? In front of ME. It can't be to impress me because it makes me seriously nauseous. I have gone my entire life without feeling even the slightest compulsion to expectorate unless I'm brushing my teeth or have just unknowingly quaffed hemlock, so I don't understand why anyone needs to do this. Even those who are not tobacco chewers. Which is another utterly disgusting performance art which we'll deal with some other time.

I lived in the South for many years and assumed it was just another charming redneck thang, er THING. But San Francisco clearly qualifies as an unprovincial kind of place. You would think its inhabitants would show a certain finesse, but no. They run around in droves hawking up lungs to prove how cool and manly they are.

If I had a dollar for every time I've thought, "Ewww. I'm sorry I saw that," I could finance a squad of sidewalk police, Spit Cops, to monitor such proclivities. We badly need them.

Wearing sandals makes me nervous that somebody's lurking glob of spittle will slither into my exposed feet. I don't want your nasty germs. Please. Keep your sputum to yourselves. Don't make me hate you. It's the least you can do.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Intimations of an Immortal


I first visited Birdland in NYC when I was 16. My friends Connie and David's family loved jazz and played it constantly. This was as magical as the loaves and fishes to me as I was forced to listen to music furtively in my room because my parents had no appreciation for jazz and favored Gilbert and Sullivan.

Miracles happen sometimes, and they allowed me to go to Birdland if my older brother went along as chaperone. So Connie, David, my brother and I drove into Manhattan and found a table in the famous nightclub with thick blue smoke hanging like a solid entity halfway down from the ceiling.

Dizzy Gillespie was playing, and he sat at our table during all his breaks as he and Connie seemed to share a genuine, strong connection. He was a charming man with natural elegance and an intellectual fascination with everything, and he encouraged us to stretch our minds, too. He was friendly, outgoing, kind and humorous, and while I knew I was in the presence of greatness, I'm not sure I realized quite how great he was until later because he was so unaffected and egoless. Or maybe I did, as I bought all his albums and played them until the grooves disappeared.

My brother returned to college and my friends continued to bootleg me into Birdland while my parents thought I was at other girls' slumber parties. Whenever Dizzy was there, we were there. Charlie Parker was also on the bill once, but Dizzy was our destination, our god. He was a king among men.

A few years later, Connie gave birth to Dizzy Gillespie's only child, a chubby angel named Jeanie but called Tootsie by all. When she was three, I watched in awe as she sat in front of a blaring loudspeaker and arranged pickup sticks in perfect rhythm to the beat. At twelve she wore glasses, a mop of curls, and her trademark dimpled smile. She grew up as children do, and became an accomplished jazz singer. I've lost track of her family and Dizzy Gillespie died in 1993, but I still think of those Birdland nights as the best moments of my early adulthood.

The energy in that small, smoky club was electric. It took me to levels of awareness I had never imagined and opened a million doors in my young mind. Listening to those sublime musicians create new forms of art made me realize that there are no limits on the human spirit or our abilities if what we want to do is purely and simply the best that is in us.

In 1964, with his accustomed good humor, Dizzy Gillespie attempted to run for president, promising that if elected, the White House would be renamed The Blues House, Ray Charles would be appointed Librarian of Congress and Miles Davis head of the CIA. Imagine where we'd be now had he pulled that one off!

Is You Is Or Is You Ain't My Planet?


The ninth planet, Pluto, has been demoted, and will henceforth be called a "dwarf planet." Like the artist formerly known as Prince. Who knew they could mess with our planetary system? I really thought it was safe from things like that. The nerve!

We are now gifted with a new and improved definition of what, exactly, makes a planet, and Pluto doesn't qualify. According to the newest spin, a planet must be:

(a) massive enough for its own gravity to keep it round
(b) in orbit around a star on its own without being a satellite
(c) the only large body in its vicinity due to having cleared away any flotsam and jetsam from the area.

So, in lay terms, it has to be Big and Round, Run Rings around another Body without any Support from Anyone, and Kill Off Everybody in its Way. Sounds a little like the War in Iraq.

Pluto is 1,800 miles in diameter. It has been around officially for 76 years, and it hasn't hurt anyone. So why the sudden haste to scrape it off our plate like a dead mouse?

Yesterday we had nine planets. Today we're at eight and holding. Pluto today, maybe Earth tomorrow. Who's next?

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Just When We Were All Getting Along So Well


I don't watch "Survivor" and dislike reality shows in general, but I am deeply offended that the new season, "Survivor: Cook Islands" will feature tribes organized along ethnic lines: Black, White, Hispanic, and Asian.

I cannot think of any way this is acceptable.

Jeff Probst, the show's host, says, "It's very risky because you're bringing up a topic that is a hot button. There's a history of segregation you can't ignore. It is part of our history. For that, it's much safer to say, 'No, let's just stick with things the way they are. Let's don't be the network to rock the boat. Let's not have "Survivor" try something new.' But the biases from home can't affect you. This is an equal opportunity game."

NO. This is the most supercilious load of doubletalking gibberish I've ever heard.

Why not bring back lynch mobs and segregated restrooms? They're a part of our history. And how about so-called "miscegenation" laws prohibiting marriage between those of different races? But wait. How can we tell what race anyone is in melting-pot America where most of us had ancestors who came from many other places, either seeking freedom or because they had lost their freedom? Aren't we all basically one race now, human?

What kind of cretins would deliberately pit us against each other along racial lines again? This will only encourage the basest instincts of the least enlightened people among us.

Where is the good in that?

Sunday, August 20, 2006

It's a Bird! It's a Plane!!


It's APPLEMAN!!!

You have to trust someone whose job title is "Genius." I spent over three hours today at the Apple store while a kind and patient (did I mention brilliant?) young man named Rob tried about a half million maneuvers on my computer until he restored it to perfect, even frisky, health. The laying on of hands was never more skillfully performed, and I know they don't pay Rob enough for his good work and good will. No matter what he's paid.

I am grateful.

Apple rules.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Much Shit, No Fan


People who don't clean up after their dogs are troglodytes who belong in a cave, rude brutes with defective brains, offensive and degenerate. (And I LIKE dogs.)

Why do they think it's just fine to walk around leaving a trail for other people to fall into? Well, it isn't. It's arrogant and lazy to have so little regard for the comfort of others. Dog owners who do this should be buried alive in a big steaming pile of poop.

Everyone who knows what happened to me today raise their hands.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun


The tattoo-removal business is booming. A removal service in Beverly Hills, California, takes off at least seven Chinese-language tattoos a week, citing dissatisfaction with tats that were often mistranslated, like "blood and intestines" for "blood and guts" or jokes pulled on people too cool for their own good, such as Chinese characters for "gullible white boy."

Oh, this is such a relief! I can finally get rid of my two dozen or so biker tattoos, the skull and crossbones, various outdated political slogans, and the Doberman spiked collar that was permanently engraved around my neck, to say nothing of the Chinese words for "I'm an idiot," "I carry explosives," "I like large, hairy primates " and "Please hurt me." I'll probably keep the two-headed dragon, though, and the one that says "Popeye."

Being cool is such a burden.