Saturday, July 28, 2012

Baby Steps

When it rains it pours. I went out with two handsome men last night. I guess that's a double date, not a ménage à trois as they are a couple and I was the third wheel. Our friends Tom and Jim invited me to a Greek restaurant in my neighborhood, and it was delightful. As we walked down the street, several people took note of us. I hope they thought I was a slut and not the fraternity housemother. It would be great for my self esteem.

I had wine. White. I don't know when I last had wine. One glass does the job. I'm a cheap date. I really need to drink wine more often. I haven't allowed myself to dwell on all that I'm missing because self pity is ugly, especially when Flip is missing out on so much more. But such reasoning, followed to its logical conclusion, would prevent me from eating at all since some people are starving. Depriving myself would not help them - it would merely add to the casualty list. It could even be argued that by enjoying life as much as possible, I am helping to create balance in the world. And how could that be wrong?

I couldn't resist telling my friends that two people caring for Flip in the last few days asked if I was his daughter, and nobody could have been more surprised than I. "You look young," said Tom, "but you don't look that young." Truth, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.

"Were you bad when you were young?" he asked. Except for some high school truancy, I wasn't. I didn't do drugs or drink to excess, and I wasn't promiscuous. What a fucking waste. But it's never too late. We reinvent ourselves every day, and the woman I am becoming is going to have more fun. Today I will buy a bottle of wine so I can enjoy it every night. Who knows where this could lead? The butterfly struggles to emerge from its cocoon, but without the struggle it could never fly. It's time to shed my cocoon and learn to fly again.


34 comments:

nick said...

"The woman I am becoming is going to have more fun." That's a wise decision. No good hiding yourself away and denying yourself pleasures because others are less fortunate. Help yourself to good company and good wine! And anything else that's going. Life is for living....

Paula said...

You deserve to enjoy life, so DO! I think of you and your struggle often.

English Rider said...

It is no accident that you have good friends, with whom to share a glass or a moment. You must already have a foundation of an attractive personality. Building more fun on top of that can only be positive.

Cro Magnon said...

Sounds to me as if that Greek Resto should become a WEEKLY event. Not only will it raise your spirits, but you will become a 'regular', and you'll receive special service.

Have fun. Bisou, Cro.

the walking man said...

BAKLAVA!!

Jocelyn said...

I am yelling supportively for you in my head; YES, buy that wine and have some fun, and grab at anything that feels like it could afford joy. Do it with gusto. If you are able, do it, whatever it is.

Oh, and I'm quite certain the entire neighborhood thought you were a slut, so well done there.

Jo said...

You live near the Napa Valley, which has some of the best wine in the world. I suggest you take a weekly tour of each winery, sample lots of wine -- take home samples if they're giving them out. Who knows what new adventures that could lead to?

"Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake." ~~ 1 Timothy 523

Sounds good to me.

And yes, you are still young and beautiful, and vibrant too. Seize the day...!

e said...

Dear Susan,
You are indeed fortunate to have friends such as these. Whomever suggested that going to that Greek resto should be a regular event is right, more for the friends than the wine. I have made a list of things to do in the next few months and it is really helping me get "unstuck" in some areas of life. I wish you well in your transformation.

witnessing am i said...

Oh good lordy, we are all in trouble!! I smiled when reading this as I do so often with your amazing posts -- so beautifully written, so insightful, so precise -- but this one in looking to the future. The woman, the butterfly here, needs to emerge, or reemerge, to spread her wings and fly. Not again, but for the first time again.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Nick,

Yes, life is for living, but I am a slow learner. Your comment has brought the Beatles' song, "You've Got to Hide your Love Away" into my mind. It's a good song and welcome to stay there.

Paula,

Thank you!

ER,

I grew up in a family that considered fun frivolous if I was the one having it. But I have come to believe that it's at least as necessary as the more serious stuff.

Cro Magnon,

You have given me a wonderful idea, for which I thank you and will continue to thank you weekly. Bisou back to you.

Mark,

Yes!!! It was exquisite.

Jocelyn,

Thank you ever so much for your reassurances that I am slut material. You are too kind.

Jo,

I love the Napa Valley and its glorious wines. Why don't you visit this country to the south and go there with me?

e,

Your good wishes help so much. I should also compile a list although I hesitate to call it a "bucket list..." why tempt fate?

David,

"For the first time again" is so lovely. Maybe the secret to life is doing everything as if it were the first time, at least everything good. I hope I can remember to do that.

Molly said...

From what you've told us about Flip I'd guess he'd cheer on, even if he can't share that bottle of wine with you. I don't think it would help him for you to "hide your love away" and not grab joy wherever and whenever you can. Just by being happier with yourself you'll have much more to give to him.....or so it seems to me.
I'm just back from that emerald isle, and yes, thank you, I had a lovely time!

lgsquirrel said...

Can I be the slut's toy boy?

Brown said...

“his lips drink water
but his heart drinks wine”
― E.E. Cummings

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Molly,

So glad you're back, lovely one. Your advice is just what I need to hear, as always.

Calvin,

Have your people (squirrels?) talk to my people.

Brown,

"i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) i am never without it..."
e.e. cummings

mischief said...

I am completely behind the wine plan. You know how I love my wine -- and since it takes so little to get you soused, it won't even be an expensive new hobby! I am also completely behind your plan to embrace joy as it makes no one else any happier to deprive yourself. You deserve much happiness as you bring much happiness, especially to me. I also fully support your plan to become a slut, which sounds like tremendous fun and may fit well with the wine and joy. Joie de vivre!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Lisa,

It's never too late to be the bad girl I was too uptight (and disinclined) to be when I was younger. They say that people regret the things they didn't do far more than those they did so I need to make up for lost time. Thank you for your support, as always, and please come and drink wine with me.

RJS said...

I just discovered your delightful site, and have been reading posts from the past. I have, however, a small suggestion to make. The black background, makes it difficult to read. If you lightened it a little, it would be easier on middle-aged eyes, like mine. I live in New York, where fashionable folks dress in black. Sometimes, I wanna scream: "Lighten up, ladies and gents!"

heartinsanfrancisco said...

RJS,

I am SOOOO glad you landed here because I've checked out your blog and it's wonderful. I'm disappointed that you don't enable comments, though.

I've considered changing my format and will probably get to it at some point, when I'm able to think about such things again. Thanks for your suggestion - I don't believe anyone has ever mentioned before that the black background is hard to read, but I'd like to make you as welcome as possible.

RJS said...

Thanks so much for your kind compliment! I also appreciate the warm welcome, and your not being offended by my suggestion.

The reason that I don't enable comments, is because I was receiving so few. In fact, it annoyed me a lot. Maybe it's time to change my position. Anyway, I look forward to learning more about your life. You sound like someone, that I'd like to have a latte with.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

RJS,

I don't know how long you've been blogging, but comments build slowly as people learn you're there and relationships develop. I get far fewer than I used to because I don't post nearly as often these days, but hope to step up production again when I can. I cherish the comments I receive and feel as if many of the people who read my blog, and whose blogs I read, are friends even though I've never met most of them in person.

I suspect that you and I have a great deal in common, and the latte sounds great. Your city or mine? (I am from New York, btw. San Francisco is my adopted home.)

RJS said...

I've been blogging for years. I see from my stats, that I have many regular readers. But they rarely commented. Perhaps, they just read me for entertainment.

We recently moved from Portland, OR to upstate New York. It's unlikely, that I'll be back soon. Please let me know, if you're ever near New York. We can schmooze over coffee and bagels. We'll laugh about life, love, and the crazy condition of the world.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

RJS,

Well, you are entertaining. I installed a site meter a few years ago but it stopped recognizing me so I have no idea who visits unless they leave comments.

Your first post that I read hooked me in as a soul sister. Here is why:

http://wwwguilty-with-an-explanation.blogspot.com/2008/06/fine-jewish-whine.html

heartinsanfrancisco said...

RJS,

Open up, doctor. It's me again. I just had to add that your "E-Mails from God" is brilliant. Neal Donald Walsch, eat your heart out. I picked that older post at random, but can see I have much catching up to do. (Kind of like God except that happily, I can wear cashmere, too.)

I couldn't find an email address for you on your site, but mine is available.

RJS said...

We really must be Semitic soul sisters, separated at birth. I actually found your site by searching: Fine Jewish Whine. Which led me to that particular post. I too, was "hooked."

I'm glad that you appreciated my post: "E-Mails from God." I plan on continuing that series. BTW: I just sent you an e-mail. Mine, is hidden at the top of my site under: "WILL WRITE FUNNY FOR MONEY." See ya, "sis."

Paula said...

I also find it difficult to read on the black background.

Nicholas Temple said...

I was good as a kid, too. Yep, it's a fucking waste. And, yes, it's never too late to reinvent ourselves and have more fun!

Miss Healthypants said...

"We reinvent ourselves every day, and the woman I am becoming is going to have more fun" - AMEN! :)

You are so right. As we women grow older, we need to remember that we aren't dead yet! *smiles* - and we have lots of life to live and plenty of opportunities to ENJOY IT! :)

Ian Lidster said...

My darling, if anybody deserves to have fun, it is you. So, why not slut mode and wine? As we know, carpe diem demands application. So nice to hear from you as always.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

RJS,

I look forward to reading more of your emails from God, who is surely pissed. And if She isn't, I don't want to know Her.

Paula,

I'm so sorry. I'll try to change it in the near future.

St. Nick,

It sounds as if we both need an overhaul. Have fun!

Miss HP,

Exactly. Older is not dead. But where are all those opportunities you mention?

Ian,

It's really hard to be a slut if no one notices. Wine is easier. I need to be easier too, obviously.

Lex said...

Oh, cheers, Love! I am delighted to read this. You definitely do look THAT young and good for you for living it up a bit!

I have another friend who said that one new year's she made a resolution to drink more and it is the only resolution she has ever kept! Ha!

Enjoy. I love you fiercely.

Maria said...

I love it that you allowed yourself some fun, but I get it that you feel guilty that Flip can't feel it too.

I have a dear friend who wanted to buy a pair of killer Jimmy shoes for her wedding. Her sister told her that since most of their relatives were rather poor, it would be in poor taste. I asked her if perhaps she would like to have some flour sacks that I use as towels to make her wedding dress. It's a big day, she needed those shoes.

Life is for living. You do so much for Flip, are his mate and his one true love. But yes...you are also a breathing, lovely woman. You deserve to have fun. And Flip would heartily approve, I'll venture.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Lex,

I applaud your other friend for her honesty and her resolution, and am very happy to be one of your friends, too. I knew I could count on you to encourage me, no matter what I have in mind. xxx

Maria,

I hope your friend took your excellent advice. Her wedding is not about her relatives, rich or poor, but about her, her intended and especially, Jimmy Choo.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

My dearest Hearts,

There is almost no woman I 'know' who is as well spoken, balanced, truly moral, intelligent and as realistic a dreamer as you. You are who I aspire to be, one day.
I could not think higher of you than I do.

Having said that, I know that life has you feeling much lower than the lofty position I see you in, and offering words of encouragement, comfort and strength are more valuable than baptizing you in earnest compliments.

So, as a friend, I wish to take your hand and remind you of a few things.

You are a vibrant and strong woman. Every single day you are gifted with is an opportunity to grow and bless others with the best that is in you; but you cannot do that if you do not refill the spring of your spirit with the good things it needs.

For you, spiritual food comes in wonderful moments; wine with friends, beautiful art and rich history. It is in good music and wild animals. It is in style and learning and laughter.

Find some happy. Put it in your life. Refill that enormous black hole that you are living in and change your environment from the inside out.

You are making steps toward it. Keep making steps, big steps that make big waves. Don't lose any moments of each day you are given to celebrate, and the strength and beauty that you find will carry you through all of the hard moments.

And if I can be of any support or help, at all, ever, I would be honored and glad to be there for you if you choose it.

Much love, peace and smiles.

Scarlett & Viaggiatore

~PS~ I think a trip to Paris might be very, very good for you.

CiCi said...

How can I not giggle as I read your hope that you were taken for a slut. We all like that once in awhile. I haven't had a drink of wine in about eight years, no reason, just no reason to have one. Sooooo glad you enjoyed yourself with friends. Please do that more often.