Thursday, November 04, 2010

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?

I don't usually post things that I didn't write myself, but think this is hilarious:

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a US man, and posted on the Internet.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev.11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education, University of Virginia

PS (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian)


English Rider said...

This is very funny and well presented.Poor Dr. Laura, Her radio show got pulled off the talk radio station I listen to in the car. She never let me fall asleep at the wheel. There was always some reason for teeth gnashing responses.
I did always believe that she was sincere and willing to expose herself to all kinds of feedback. Although I totally disagree with many of her stances.(Homosexuality, Women's Choice etc.) I regret that she was silenced. Is she so to be feared?

Charlene said...

I've heard this before. It's great!

I post comments [well I have and realize I might not be approved at some point] that disagree with someone with the same strident voice of people like Dr. Laura.

I believe we should do nothing to stop them from speaking for free speech is a wonderful as well as a horrible thing. What upsets me is people are so bigoted about something or so tunneled in their outlook they want to believe this kind of thing. So they are easily led down the self-serving path of the leader.

e said...

Wow...where did you find this?

heartinsanfrancisco said...


I am not a fan of Dr. Laura although I am a big fan of the 1st Amendment.


I think bigots and hate-mongers do a lot of harm, but should not be denied their rights, much as we disagree with them. I confess I'm glad her show was canceled, though.


I got it in an email. It's been circulating, and I decided to share it here.

meno said...

I saw this several years ago. It's just as funny now. Thanks for the reminder!

Jo said...

Dr. Laura is the biggest fraud of them all. She does not have a degree in psychology. She has a degree in physiology, which basically means she is a gym teacher. She abandoned her mother, who died all alone, and was not discovered for two months. Dr. Laura claims she is an only child, but she has a sister named Cindy.

Dr. Laura has nude pictures of herself all over the Internet, and many of them can only be described as gynecologically graphic. Graphic!

And she sits in judgment of gay folks? It is to laugh...!

And by the way, yes ... you can own a Canadian. But I have to warn you, I'm very expensive. :-)

heartinsanfrancisco said...


I thought so too.


Oh, wonderful -- you're the Canadian I was hoping for!

I didn't know most of that stuff about Schlesinger. She is a nasty piece of work for sure. Why would anyone want to see nude pics of her? She is not exactly Playboy material.

Warty Mammal said...


Anonymous said...

Hang on, doesn't that mean that Mexicans can have American slaves?

nick said...

That is SO funny. Indeed, if these fervent Bible-bashers had to strictly observe all Biblical requirements, they'd be tying themselves in knots all day. Not to mention spending huge amounts of their time stoning, smiting, burning etc. No wonder that in reality they bend the rules whatever way suits them.

The true abomination is of course pig-headed bigotry.

TechnoBabe said...

My older daughter is a fan of Dr Laura. I am not. I don't listen to much talk radio but when I do I pick what I will listen to. Certainly not Dr Laura. She sounded like a female Rush Limbaugh to me. Way too self righteous and directing listeners to their way of thinking and not accepting other peoples rights. The thing that gets me is why would people let other people talk down to them like that? To each his own though.

heartinsanfrancisco said...




I'm sure they can if they quote Leviticus.


I say stone, smite and burn the bigots.


I've never actually listened to Laura, but have read numerous accounts of her smug stupidity. I don't think that she and I would ever be friends.

Katy said...

I love this post. I've pointed this kind of think out to people in various conversations and their response is always... "well, that's different" I still haven't figured out WHY its different... other than on verse reinforeces their bigotry and all that other stuff just hits too close to home.

Pea said...

That is the funniest thing I've read in long time!!!! I married a Canadian, can I own him too? If I get sick of him maybe I can sell a fair price of course.

Anonymous said...

That is just priceless. I think I'll take it from you just for my own amusement. And, Susan, you can own me if you wish. Just treat me with the sort of compassion you always treat others and I think we'd have a very pleasing bondage (hmm, that has a multiplicity of nuances) relationship.

secret agent woman said...

You know they did a variant of htis on the West WIng. It was a scream.

I. Hate. Laura. Schlesinger. And not least for the fact that she presents herself as a mental health expert when her degree is in physiology. She is a fraud and a bonehead.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


I think you're onto something. Whatever hits close to home is always "different." :)


Ooh, what's it like owning a Canadian? Flip's mom was a Canadian married to an American and although I never met her, I am quite sure that any owning in that marriage was by her.


Sorry, not into bondage but do you wash windows? It's so nice to have a man around the house (who does.) And my car is really muddy, too.


I know. She's a gym teacher but perhaps too stupid to be able to distinguish between one "ology" and another.

TaraDharma said...

I've always wanted to be a slave to a Mexican citizen. This buttresses my belief immensely. I knew I was aligned with God's plan.

Anonymous said...

this was wonderful,
this guy is so well read.

i too want to inform the same couple of my friends,
Is it possible for you to share the author of the reply, so that I can acknowledge him/her for the wonderful elaboration !

Thanks for bringing it to us

heartinsanfrancisco said...


It feels good to know that one is aligned with God's Plan. It also helps to speak Spanish.


The man who wrote this wonderful open letter to Dr. Laura is credited at the end of my post.

mischief said...

I have several Canadians I would like you send you. Maybe you could open a small business and sell them to your friends?

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Louie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful business association.

Elaine Steward said...

I love that one!!