Monday, June 07, 2010

Addicts Have All the Fun

I am hatching a plot to get into rehab. There is a place that advertises on TV which looks so very peaceful with beautiful rolling fields and mountain views. People with drug or alcohol addictions can go there to hang out and eat spa food off trays in the sunshine, waited on hand and foot, day and night. It sounds delightful. The only problem is, I'm not an addict.

I've inventoried everything I do that could be considered excessive. I buy a lot of plants. I really like raspberries. Sometimes I talk too much. I read constantly. Does chocolate count? Surely there is some reason I belong there. I promise I wouldn't be any trouble, plus I am small; I don't eat much. I can even fake it if I have to, not DT's, maybe, but the jonesing. I know I could do that.

Do you think they have massage therapy there? That would be heavenly. They probably have group sessions in which everyone talks about his problems. No problem. I used to wish I could try peyote, or shrooms. I never did, but surely it's the thought that counts. I know I could pass the audition if I didn't brush my anarchic hair for a day.

Suggestions, anyone? I really need a vacation.


nick said...

But presumably it costs large amounts of money, in which case it would be easier just to book into a five star hotel. And I don't think even the luxurious surroundings would be worth the years of demeaning addictions necessary to get you a place....

secret agent woman said...

Surely they are pricier than regular spas, though? You could always do that instead. (Please tell me that insurance doesn't cover these places.)

TechnoBabe said...

Your need for a vacation is understandable. When was the last time you had a vacation? You must have been at a resort in the past and enjoyed massages and delicious food and people waiting upon your every want?
Ah. First of all, maybe it would help if you didn't watch those commercials. Maybe you are addicted to the commercials??? For me, the one thing that helped me with my cravings is to not be watching television. One of the best things I ever did for myself.

Cecilieaux said...

A smidgen of pathological envy will do.

Anonymous said...

Whoa, C! You messin' wid my gurl?

heartinsanfrancisco said...


You mean addicts really don't have all that much fun? Oh my, this changes everything.


You know, I have no idea if insurance covers it. Probably not. It seems that nearly everybody is addicted to something these days -- I feel so left out. And like I'm not half trying.


I don't think I've ever been in a situation in which anyone catered to my every want because I'm kind of addicted to independence. Hmmm, maybe that will get me in. I'm an independaholic.


But wouldn't "smidgen" and "pathological" be oxymoronic?


If you are not really Cecilieaux, I'd be surprised.

meno said...

Start drinking heavily. I know you can do it, i'm rooting for you!

DIYifucan said...

Perhaps you should choose a looney bin instead...much easier to fake! And then when you are satisfied with your vacation you can have a miraculous recovery!

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Your faith in me means more than I can tell you.


What a brilliant idea! I think you're onto something. After all, I've been perfecting my looniness for years and am quite good at it now.

Thank you for your visit!

mischief said...

This does look like a lovely place to recover. Maybe your cupcake addiction could earn you a bed? (Although seriously, wouldn't you rather just enjoy the cupcakes?)

Anonymous said...

I'm sure if you were willing to pay through the nose they'd let ya in... and chocolate is very addictive!!

Jo said...

I might have to find a treatment centre for my addition to ricotta cheese. It's really getting out of control. I start to get sweaty and get the shakes whenever I'm in the dairy section of my supermarket. Ricotta cheese and blueberries (and hot chocolate) - definitely my drug of choice.

Anonymous said...

I once ran a rehab. You have to share a bathroom. Not an agreeable prospect for anybody OC about 'functions', as I can be at moments. Oh, and you might end up rooming with Lindsay Lohan. How would that work for you?

Maria said...

I'm with Nick. Go to a five star hotel. I ADORE hotels, but they must be very very glam. We are SO worth it.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Enjoy too many cupcakes without rehab? Wow. What a concept. This changes everything.


I will have to make sure they serve chocolate there, or the whole deal is off.


Ahh, ricotta rehab. It's in the tabloids all the time. The sweaty ricotta-blueberry DT's. Uh oh.


I want my own bathroom. In fact, I demand it. Lindsay can have her own, too - I definitely don't want her in mine.


That will be my new mantra: We are SO worth it. Thank you!

Meggie said...

Yes! I want to be there also! Who subsidises these things? How does one get an entry?
Breakdown completely... I can do that. I am going insane caring for a needy man.
Not in your category, but closing...

TaraDharma said...

surely they will want to urine test you, so you have to become addicted to something. I suggest lots and lots of alcohol. C'mon, you can do it!

heartinsanfrancisco said...


We could run away together like Thelma and Louise. What do you say?


I hadn't thought of that. If I'm going to become an addict, I will really have to be more organized.

the walking man said...

Watch a lot of reality TV. Most people I know are addicted to that hot mess.

Elaine Steward said...

When I first got sober, I was REALLY jealous of people who'd gotten to go to rehab. I had to to to work every day!!!

heartinsanfrancisco said...


I'd rather eat glass than watch reality tv. Maybe I could develop an addiction to spa vacations.


That's so unfair! I admire you more than you know for your dedication to helping others in recovery.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Not to tempt you too much... but I have some friends with some *lovely* cabins in Glenwood springs just 35 miles from Aspen... they are mostly empty during the summer.

They are absolutely healing. As a matter of fact, I don't think they'd get you out of the enormous Barn that was renovated into a gorgeous rustic cabin with stained glass windows everywhere, a jetted tub hidden in a sunken bathroom under one of the staircases and a 15 foot tall rock waterfall in the foyer.

...just an idea.


Scarlett & Viaggiatore
Scarlett & Viaggiatore

heartinsanfrancisco said...


I'm pretty sure I could easily become addicted to a cabin with stained glass windows and a rock waterfall, to say nothing of a sunken bathtub with jets.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

I'm addicted to it. Totally.

I LOVE that place; and I know that you would to, if you ever got to walk through it.


Scarlett & Viaggiatore

On a completely separate note; my word verification is aftwine. I think I'll be off after wine just now. ;P