Sunday, March 14, 2010

Saturday Night is Wasted on the Married

What I needed most in the world tonight was red grapefruit. I ate the only one in the refrigerator and craved more. I decided that my body was telling me something, so I walked around the corner to the neighborhood grocery. Flip came along to protect me, although I am far tougher than he is.

He tried to tell the store clerk that the girls outside the bar next door looked like hookers, but he couldn't remember the word. I'm not sure why he wanted to share this, but I reminded him that he came from a gentler era in which girls didn't look like hookers unless they were hookers. Everyone we passed was duded up and trailing perfume at near-toxic levels, wearing death-defying skimpy outfits despite the low temperature and a fierce wind off the Bay. I wore paint-streaked sweat pants, Ugg boots and a shape-hiding down jacket, topped by a bad haircut. If I were a hooker, I would starve.

Yesterday, I had my hair cut and I've been plotting a rematch ever since. I couldn't remember when my last one was so I consulted last year's calendar, which had many haircuts for Flip penned in but not a single one for me. I checked the entire year twice. Then I found my calendar from the year before and realized that my last one was in March of 2008. Exactly two years ago. I could probably lose my reputation as a high maintenance woman if I'm not careful.

The person I used to go to was a flake but he gave good haircut, and over several years he got to know my hair, which is finicky. Unfortunately, he disappeared into another dimension or maybe witness protection, leaving only a vague message on his cell phone. The new stylist gave Flip a good cut a month ago, so I thought I would try her. Now my hair looks like a bad Farrah Fawcett wig. With a little Minnie Mouse thrown in for good measure. It's a rotten way to be wounded.

I've been to doctor appointments in which medical interns doing a rotation in a particular specialty sat in. My hairdresser had her own intern, a facialist who wanted to learn about hair so she watched, owl-like, as my hair was washed, cut and flat-ironed. It reminded me of the actor's fourth wall, the space separating the audience from the action of a theatrical performance, traditionally conceived of as an imaginary wall completing the enclosure of the stage.

I do not possess the skills to flat-iron my hair, or even to style it with a dryer and brush. I haven't looked at the back of my head in years because I believe that what I don't know can't hurt me. As soon as I got outside in the rain, my naturally wavy hair reasserted itself and I realized that she flat-ironed it to delay my discovery that it bulges oddly with large clumps that seem to belong to some other haircut entirely.

Flip, however, was looking good when he escorted me to the store. Our hot Saturday night date netted several grapefruits and some red grapefruit juice, plus a dark chocolate bar with crystallized ginger. Between that, the strawberry-rhubarb pie I made yesterday and several boxes of Girl Scout cookies, our his 'n' hers diabetic comas are assured. If that's not romantic, I don't know what is.


Anonymous said...

See, romance is not dead! Sounds like a fabulous evening to me...

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

I can feel the love, you love-birds.

TechnoBabe said...

We were like that yesterday, craving grape juice, couldn't find the natural grape juice at a different store so got pomegranate instead. Oh well. It was really good. What is it with the terribly strong perfumes making a come-back. I am so allergic it bothers me terribly to be around the people who smell like they bathe in a perfume. My eyes get red and itchy and I have trouble breathing. Your description of what you were wearing on your Saturday night date jaunt to the grocer sounds pretty hip to me.

♥ Braja said...

Damn, you just named some incredibly favorite things that I have no hope of getting my hands on at the moment: red grapefruit, rhubarb, strawberries....ouch...:)

Amy said...

Girl Scout cookies sound yummy right now. Your humor is contagious - a truly romantic tale!

heartinsanfrancisco said...


What is this "romance" you speak of? It sounds familiar, but I can't remember...


Was it good for you too, honey?


I like pomegranate and I share your allergies to many perfumes and just plain dislike most others. I think the extreme overuse is just another way of screaming for attention.


Yes, but in India, you have access to so many things including intangible ones that are unavailable here.

In my comment to your blog I said that I couldn't find more of your posts, but was able to do so after I Googled your blog name. I'm happy now. Thanks for your visit here!


Girl Scout cookies are not my favorites, but every March when the little girls appear, I have a knee-jerk reaction to buy their wares. (The cookies are smaller this year, if you haven't seen them yet.)

meno said...

I think Saturday night is wasted on the wasted.

Saturday night is the perfect time to go on a hunt for grapefruit.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


You made me laugh with glee! Thank you for putting it in perfect perspective.

Maria said...

Romance for us today was going to an early afternoon matinee (The Blind Side) with Liv in tow and we stopped at Arby's on the way for roast beast sandwiches to munch on while we watched the show.

you just have to know how to find that romance...

Molly said...

Meno put it best! The fact that you do all these "romantic" things together is itself romantic to me!

nick said...

I have a poor memory, but I did remember your having a haircut more recently than that. See Rapunzel's Lament on August 26 last year - the love child of Harpo Marx and Minnie Mouse! Clearly their hairdressing skills haven't improved since then. Time to try another salon, methinks.

Glad Flip managed to avoid the hookers touting their wares and you got back home safely for your little feast. Dark chocolate with crystallised ginger sounds mouth-watering....

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

I'm coming over for treats and then we can go shoo the skank blossom festival out of your neighborhood.

Flip is a prince; I know about them personally, and he's a good one.

Scarlett & Viaggiatore

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Romance is waking up every day and being able to do for oneself. If only we realized this when we were very young.

How was the movie? We haven't seen it yet.


Yes, everything is wasted on the wasted. I have never understood the desire to be drugged out of awareness of ones own life.


You seem to know more about my life than I do. You're right - I checked and there it was. Apparently I failed to put that appointment on my calendar.

Dark chocolate with crystallized ginger is one of life's exquisite joys.


Flip is truly a prince. But I doubt those women really were hookers - Hooker chic is just the style.

Anonymous said...

Now you've got me craving grapefruit, especially because I'm not allowed to eat it because of the blood pressure meds I'm on. Never had the craving until I got restricted.

Laura Lee said...

OK so what's wrong with Farrah's hair?? :oD I grew up on Charlie's Angels (the original TV series). I remember the early days of gossip when I found out she was married to the Six Million Dollar Man (at the time)... wow! boy, those were the days...
Props to you and your Farrah-honoring hair!

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Everybody knows that forbidden fruits are so delicious.

Laura Lee,

Nothing wrong with Farrah, but her hair style belongs to a bygone era. I am an aging prom queen, but don't care to look like one.

the only daughter said...

I'm on the dark chocolate with crystallized ginger train. toot toot. My that sounds yummy.

Oh, I love grapefruit too, but I have to be very careful with citrus.

Ahhhh, romance. The bestest part.

Haircuts...tricky biz.

Anonymous said...

Sounds very romantic to me. I would take that kind of evening with my beloved any day of the week.

I am afraid that the corner where the "hookers" stood has gotten quite long, as it now reaches every corner of this country. The cheap look is very affordable.

Enjoy the grapefruits, and enjoy the hair. I am sure it look Farrahtastic!

Voyager said...

Grapfruit, hookers, and unruly hair. You do know how to make a woman jealous. Yes you do.

secret agent woman said...

Actually, it sounds lovely. Except for the bad haircut, of course.

mischief said...

This business of girls who aren't hookers going ahead and looking and smelling like hookers anyway is confusing to me too. Not because I'm trying to pick up hookers, mind you, but because I have been mistaken for one once. What this tells me is that the line blurs in both directions, because I was not tricked out in tight clothes or lots of perfume. I was in jeans and a tshirt and if I had to hazard a guess I probably smelled like dog, or maybe if freshly laundered, clean dog. Must have just been in the wrong place, only I didn't know that... because I am not a hooker!

Your Saturday night excursion sounds perfectly delightful. What happened on Sunday?

Molly said...

Heart, you should go to

I think you'd be very interested in her latest post!

heartinsanfrancisco said...


I love anything with ginger. And chocolate is romantic, but it has to be dark - milk chocolate does nothing for me. (Kind of like this haircut.)


I really don't think they were hookers, just young women out for a fun evening. (Tell Flip.)

Farrahtastic -- ? Ewwww.


Yes, I do. Yes, indeed. So are you jealous yet? I could get you a haircut if that would help.


Except for that is right.


What's wrong with smelling like dog unless it's WET dog, of course?

I had almost forgotten that I was approached by a creepy old man a few months ago while waiting in front of Peet's coffee shop for Flip. He sat down next to me and mumbled, "How much?" Since I hadn't yet ordered my vanilla freddo, I'm pretty sure he meant me. (I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, too. Is that the new hooker garb?) I was especially offended that I am now attracting OLD "customers."


I checked out her blog and you were right - I was delighted! The idea of the Alzheimer's quilt unraveling was simply brilliant. Thank you for steering me to it.

Jocelyn said...

I can't quite get past your assertion about a "bad Farrah Fawcett wig."

Susan? Love? Farrah Hair can NEVER look bad. Perhaps you forgot to put on short shorts and, er, roller skates with the haircut. Those are essential accessories (plus, they draw the eye down and away from the cut).

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Short shorts and a skate board - I'll get right on it. But first I need to dye my hair Jill Munroe Blonde so I can have more fun.