Tuesday, February 23, 2010

All You Need is a Rat Zapper


"Hey honey, look at this," he said.

"Mmmhmm." I was engrossed in feeding paper to my new shredder which arrived this morning. I had already jammed it twice. I am not good with machines, but I love them.

"You've got to see this," he persisted. I walked over to his computer and saw "Search for stuff to buy" on his Google home page. He was particularly intrigued with an item called a rat zapper.

"Do you want to shoot rats at the city dump?" I asked nervously. Alzheimer's is brutal, horrifying, tragic and maddening, but also fascinating. His mind travels to places I cannot follow, which I can best liken to an acid trip although I only know of them by repute. Since I would never hurt an animal, he had my attention. I wondered where this might be going.

He nodded, eyes shining. "But I want my own," he said. I did the quick mental evaluation that has become second nature. He didn't look like someone who would murder helpless wildlife. Always a relief. He moved down the list to an item called half-life.

"What's that?" I asked. "Einstein," he replied. I looked it up. "Half-life is the period of time it takes for a substance undergoing decay to decrease by half. The name originally was used to describe a characteristic of unstable atoms, but may apply to any quantity which follows a set-rate decay." A lot of formulas followed which had to do with nuclear science.

Interesting. I wonder what the application is to a brain decaying from Alzheimer's. As nearly as can be determined, there is no set rate. The disease is capricious. It amuses itself by darting in and stealing brain cells seemingly at random.

Google also offered butterfly houses, stuffed monkeys, left-handed guitars and pregnancy tests. Speak of random. I could find no connection other than that every item listed is offered for sale somewhere. Rat zapper is like Chinese cleaver is like Swiss Army knife is like -- barbecue sauce? I'm not sure if the BBQ sauce is applied before or after the animal is zapped, though. I think it depends on whether one is preparing dinner or not. Also offered was a Hulk Hand, Tiffany lamps and steaks. Let's put the latter in the same column with the dead rats and BBQ sauce. The stuffed monkey requires further investigation, though. I need to know if we are talking Curious George or taxidermy.

Meanwhile, Flip has found something to covet other than a rat zapper. He has decided that he needs a bazooka. I wonder if he'll settle for Bazooka bubble gum.

I'm beginning to think that Evgeni Plushenko also suffers from Alzheimer's as he now claims that he won a platinum medal at the Vancouver Olympics. His website even features a photo of this medal, which seems to have been whipped up for the occasion. He is clearly delusional. I would have thought that a seasoned competitor who has won many awards for his figure skating including the silver medal a few days ago would understand that good sportsmanship is the main commodity at such events. The judges gave the gold to Evan Lysacek of the United States. Some critics have stated that it should have gone to Plushenko because he attempted a quadruple jump while Lysacek did not, but the points were awarded on form, grace and power, as well as when in the 4-minute program certain jumps were executed.

Plushenko does not seem to care that he represents not only himself and his considerable talent, but his country. Sadly, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin also made a statement that "Plushenko performed the most accomplished program on the Vancouver ice." Maybe so. Maybe not. But the whole purpose of the Olympics, to bring superb athletes from all countries together in peaceful competition, is being sullied by Plushenko's disgraceful performance off the ice.

That rat zapper might come in handy after all.

28 comments:

TechnoBabe said...

We don't have TV but I am sure I could watch some of the Olympics online somewhere. We have been busy here though. Today hubby sent the last tune to be mastered and then soon all 7 tunes will be at the place that makes them into CD's. This is especially heartening since it was at just about this time in 2008 that hubby went manic and "re-did" all the tunes to match his then crazy state. He has done a great job this year with his meds and with his determination to finish this music. So today was a great day. All tunes are either at the place to be mastered or on the way and he cannot sabotage them. We went to lunch, a treat. I can see the need for a rat zapper every once in awhile. I used to mouth off to everyone who would listen that I wanted to put current on my car handles and on the front door and anywhere someone would touch my stuff. And I was never given meds for that! Hubby laughs about that.

furiousBall said...

you know what would be the bomb-diggity? and trust me, i do not throw around terms like bomb-diggity around loosely... a rat trap that caught the rat and then flung them into the neighbor's pool.

no diggity

nick said...

Well, I don't need a rat zapper unless we're talking about the human rats who take advantage of other people. There're a few politicians I'd like to zap for a start. I hope you can talk Flip out of getting the bazooka, he could do some serious damage with that!

the walking man said...

All the rage Plushenko doesn't need them though. He has enough ass.

secret agent woman said...

The more I hear about the Olympics, the more I ma glad I've not been watching.

How about a rat-thunker - just a little bop on the head to make rats think.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Babe,

I managed to see some of the women's figure skating performances, and was blown away by Joannie Rochette of Canada. Her mom died suddenly two days earlier after arriving in Vancouver to watch her perform, and this young woman delivered an incredibly brave and gorgeous routine.

Van,

Not so bomb-diggity for the rats, to say nothing of the pool owners next door.

Nick,

He's forgotten about both items by now. I'd kind of like a flame thrower, though. (I'll play with it outside.)

Mark,

I see you're perusing the stuff to buy pages, too. I've heard about butt falsies but hoped it wasn't true. I should know by now - if it's wacky enough, it's true.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Agent,

A rat thunker. Hmmm. It sounds a bit more humane than the zapper. I would just as soon live and let live, rats and all, but that's just me.

Warty Mammal said...

Rat zapper. Oh, my. There's the stuff of a million political jokes.

We have Hulk Hands. They're awesome. We can beat the crap out of each other under the guise of playing.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Warts,

Anything that enables people to beat the crap out of each other under the guise of playing is A-OK with me.

Meggie said...

I know a few rats that deserve zapping. I also know a few that deserve the holy cr*p beaten out of them!
On the other hand there are the unfortunates who die in our roof cavity, & require the Pest Man to remove them!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Meggie,

I'll send Flip right over with his hydrogen bomb to take care of the problem.

Voyager said...

Now I have to rush over to Plushenko's site to see his delusions. Crazy. But not as crazy as the vitrole in Russian press after Canada beat Russia in Men's hockey on Wednesday. "Canadians are Cowards" screamed one headline. "Vancouver Olympics are a disgrace to the world," proclaimed another. Seems Plushenko is not the only Russian who does not understand the Olympic spirit.
V.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Voyager,

Wow. I hadn't seen all that Russian press stuff. It does seem to defeat the whole purpose of the Olympics, doesn't it? When I was growing up, we were taught the virtue of being a good loser as well as the joy of winning. I think it's still relevant, or should be.

mrwriteon said...

The Rat Zapper, I like it. Especially in the cases of some of the human rats I know.

As for the Olympics, may the Lord be praised they will soon be over and people can begin picking up their assorted brain cells and start talking rationally again without all the damn obnoxious hyperbole.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Ian,

Oh, is there any other kind of rat? I assumed all along that it was the human variety we were talking about - otherwise, what's the point?

Maria said...

The last time I watched the Olympics faithfully with Liv. She was a first grader and I kept saying, "The next time we see the Olympics, you will be a big fifth grader!" but I could not envision it.

Now, the next time she sees the Olympics she will be 14.

Holy shit.

Jocelyn said...

And the bazooka.

Pleshenko makes me crazy. He's kind of vile (review his program for the shameless "sexy" vamping that engenders vomiting).

All good thoughts to you and Flip.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Maria,

If only it were possible to age every four years. Race horses all gain a year on New Year's Day... maybe we could age a year whenever the Olympics are held, but not otherwise.

Jocelyn,

I missed that program. I'm not sorry. And the bazooka is mine.

Claudia said...

Got to love the Rat Zapper. I wonder if it really works... I could use one in my compost bin. But knowing my luck I'd get the crack dealers cats and that would not turn out well.

witnessing am i said...

I must try watching the Olympics next time without sound. Just concentrate on the beauty of the human body, as it moves down a mountain, or glides over ice. I don't need music or dramatic stories or commentary about someone being the "next Michelle Kwan." It would make things so much better.

And I love that Flip actually did a search for ""Search for stuff to buy". Loverly.

rhubarbwhine said...

Rofl. A rat zapper. I need a mozzie zapper. Are you tushing to your australian dictionary yet? :)

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Perhaps Plushenko has hit his head on the ice one too many times?

I need to find something that replicates me, so that I have extra of me to do all the things that I need and want to do.
See if Flip can find that for me; I'll buy it.

;D

XO
Scarlett & Viaggiatore

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Claudia,

You have crack dealers nearby? How lovely. Maybe you could use a rat zapper on them rather than on animals.

David,

Flip loves to buy things. I am not thrilled with this propensity, but it keeps me on my toes.

Why does every accomplished person have to be the "next" someone else? It's an odd mentality. I love your idea of watching skating and skiing without sound because both are truly poetry in motion which are diminished by commentary.

Rhubarb,

It's all fair dinkum to me.

Scarlett,

I'm not sure the world could handle more than one of you, but it would definitely make many people happy. If a replicator is out there, however, Flip will find it.

witnessing am i said...

And I love how Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin accuses the bad judging in the competition to have hurt Russian national pride. Wow. I understand that a silver is not as good as a gold but when did national pride hinge on the color of a medal and not on the character of an athlete, or a politician or a nation?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

David,

I think that any nation which considers medals its greatest accomplishment is off the beam. While I admire great athletes as much as anyone, I value personal qualities, what you call character, so much more.

Thanks for a succinct and perfect comment.

Los Angelista said...

I'm with Nick - I want a rat zapper for some of these politicians... and for everyone who wants to cut education budgets.

Actually, I think everyone who moves to NYC should get one as a housewarming present. They'd certainly be put to good use.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

But think of all the things I could DO!!!! Places I could be, trouble I could cause... KIDDING!

Kind of...

;D

Flip is on my mission then? Good!!


Scarlett & Viaggiatore

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Liz,

Agreed about the education cuts. Last night's news featured kindergarteners jumping in place in their classrooms because PT was cut - let's not even think about the arts programs. Those legislators should sacrifice some of their own large salaries instead of our children's future.

Scarlett,

If your mission is widespread search-and-destroy, yup, he's on that one too.