Sunday, October 19, 2008

I Coulda Been a Contendah


Flip owes me money.

Last night, I peeled off a tiny one-inch band-aid, wadded it up and flung it into a waste basket about 15 feet away. I didn't think it could possibly go in from that distance, considering its puniness, but I had to try because that's what I do.

I have a little-known talent. I can toss things into receptacles from across any room and nearly every time, make a basket. I am the Queen of Net. Flip has called me Wilt-the-Stilt for years. I'm sure he's jealous as he is over 6'3" and cannot do this, while I appear to be 5'1" but am really a tall person traveling incognito.

He said, "If you make it, I'll give you $100."

"Good," I said. I added a dab of saliva to the band-aid and threw it.

Ping! It went in. We both heard it hit the bottom of the waste basket.

I walked over to make sure, and there it was. I fished it out and showed it to Flip.

"You owe me $100," I said.

"It's probably just something that looks like a band-aid," he muttered. I hate it when he welches on bets with me.

"You wouldn't say that if I were a big mean burly guy with skull-and-crossbones tattooed across my chest, would you? Or the man at the grocery store today."

We saw a certifiable giant. His belt was exactly at my eye level, and he made Flip look short.

After he checked out ahead of us, I asked the clerk, "How tall do you think he is?"

"I asked him once," he said. "He's 7'2" and played basketball in college. He's not very friendly."

I already knew that. I had smiled at the guy when he caught me staring and he glowered at me. Men don't usually do that unless they know me.

I told Flip that he didn't have to pay me off instantly because it was his birthday and that wouldn't seem right. But that was yesterday. Birthday's over. I want my money.

I will need it for basketball boot camp. I am going to send my resume to the Globetrotters, who will absolutely want me on their team.

50 comments:

RED MOJO said...

Yeah baby! I have a similar gift and once won some money of a huge chauvinistic pig by making a garbage can shot. Victory never tasted so sweet!

Get your money!

furiousBall said...

nice shot! you goin' to Sizzler now?

Em said...

Who knew you had this secret talent?? Awesome. Wanna come clean our basement..you can throw a whole lotta stuff in receptacles.

The Quiet Rage said...

Challenge Flip to the "underwear in the laundry hamper" contest. I bet he loses. All men do.

meggie said...

My GOM owes me thousands!! I hope you get yours.

Molly said...

Be a man about it Flip.... Pay the little lady!

seventh sister said...

You could give those globetrotters fits by just running under their legs and getting to close to the basket for them to catch you.

Nick said...

Wow, $100 is quite a hefty wager for a little bit of basket-lobbing. Especially when he knows how adept you are anyway. He should have made it $5!

As Quiet Rage says, wager him back not to leave any dirty clothes on the floor. If he's a typical guy, you'll keep the $100 with no trouble.

Sienna said...

Well, I think has the makings of something even bigger, I'm think a t shirt line, hats, an olympic event even....you get the drift?

"Hearts....In One"

"Queen of Net"

"It's All In The Toss, Babe"

"Good Flinger"

Think about this, I have barely scratched the surface.

Pam :)

PS Did I tell you I thought I invented the hot potato, before I even knew the hot potato was already invented..

thailandchani said...

Wow! You must have excellent spatial skills!



~*

Say It said...

nice skill, but, um, you added saliva to the band-aid?? blurg

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Mojo,

Rest assured. Nobody runs out on Hoop Queen.

Van,

You want my autograph?

Em,

What's it worth to you?

Rage,

That's almost as difficult as the "Finding Something Behind Something Else" game.

Their DNA is fatally flawed.

Meggie,

Mine probably owes me that much, too. He counts on my forgetting, which he shouldn't.

Molly,

Yeah, Flip. Man up. Man UP already.

Sister,

That's my technique exactly. It's not all bad being short.

Nick,

It's not a hefty wager if you don't intend to pay it.

Pam,

I have no doubt you invented the hot potato. Those other people just copied you.

Chani,

You mean I'm a space case?

Say it,

We little boys are disgusting.

Ian Lidster said...

Join the Globetrotters and then come to town here for a game. I love the GT, and would love them even more if you were one of them. And, I am impressed with your targeting skills.

witnessing am i said...

I absolutely positively love your posts. They almost make me giggle. It is usually how you butt up two sentences together and the sound they make when joined that tickles me most, but all of it is golden.

I have a talent for tossing things into the garbage as well (must be a short person talent), but only if done quickly, without much aim. If you give me two additional seconds and time to think on it, it is all air, baby.

And adding saliva to the band-aid may be cheating a little. Just sayin'.

The CEO said...

WOW, I can't wait to see what you can do with a basketball. That will be me cheering for you in the stands.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

You go girl! We will cheer you on.

Tell Flip if he doesn't pay up, you are hiring the grocery store giant to convince him to make good on his bet.

...men don't normally glower at you unless they know you... you crack me up. That *must* be true...

ha ha ha ha ha....

;o)


Scarlett & Viaggiatore

MsLittlePea said...

Of course they will. I don't have your skills but I'm freakishly(think Mighty Mouse) strong and can pick up heavy men and carry them around with ease...it's all in the legs. Flip better pay up.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Ian,

They would have to meet my terms. I want my own dressing room that doesn't smell like testosterone and gym socks.

David,

I don't think it's cheating. Baseball players do it all the time, especially pitchers, usually with plugs of chewing tobacco.

Monty,

You just want to see me in that red, white and blue uniform, don't you?

Scarlett,

When I'm a famous player, I will hire you to be my personal pilot.

Do we have a deal?

Sweet Pea,

You've mentioned that you can carry your large husband on your back and I was impressed. Also worried about you. I am not that strong -- I just have good aim.

Los Angelista said...

I once bet my husband he wouldn't have the courage to do his Michael Jackson imitation at one of my work events. He did it and I had to pay up $100. But this hit-any-basket-with-anything talent of yours... Clearly we need to get you on Letterman or something to demonstrate this for all the world to see!

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Roger that!


Scarlett & Viaggiatore

the walking man said...

If you really want to get paid tell him you'll spend the money on him.

citizen of the world said...

"and he glowered at me. Men don't usually do that unless they know me." Ha ha.

Make sure you think of a good name to use when you join the Globetrotters.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Liz,

Your husband can moon walk? That's worth $100, no question.

Many years ago I wrote to the Letterman show to ask if something I could do, which I can't even remember now, qualified as a Stupid Human Trick. They didn't answer.

Scarlett,

Yayyyyy!!!! I'm dipping my wings at you.

Mark,

Clever. Of course he can do that himself without the middleman, uh, middlewoman.

Citizen,

Goose, Sweetwater, Shark, Wild Thing, Magic, Meadowlark and Curly are already taken.

Maybe I'll be Stealth Midget. Or Big Momma Tornado.

Any suggestions?

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Stingray

Lightening

The Jet

The Bullet

Ambrosia

Flame Thrower ~ 'cause your game is just that hot!

...how'm I doin?


*grin*

You go girl!

Scarlett & Viaggiatore

Pam said...

Bandaid syncronicity story. Was at the church charity shop yesterday and a young woman said " I have a bit of rubbish, where can I put it" to the old man behind the counter. He took her to where the marmalades and relishes were and said "here, I'll take it for you". She said "Are you sure?". "Yes, give it to me,"he said"I'll put it right here"."No it's the rubbish bin I need" said the young woman"for my old bandaid". "Oh"said the old guy" I thought you said Where's the relish.Sorry". Not half as sorry as he would have been if she'd given him the old bandaid.

Jocelyn said...

My husband I do this same kind of stuff (I was going to say, "...and that's why I find you and Flip so charming..." but even for me, that's too self-congratulatory). However, our issue is that neither of us can make the basket for anything.

If/when one of us does, it's a moment for a true compliment. You have just awoken me to the stakes-raising I need to do, though.

Angela said...

Happy Birthday to Flip! And congratulations to you and finding your new career. And here all this time I thought you should be a New York Times bestselling author. Silly me! :) Oh, and don't let him welch out on you. Not cool, very not cool.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Scarlett,

I like Stingray but Corvette beat me to it.

Ambrosia for a hoop player? How about Aphrodisiac? I also like Lightning but it sounds like a blues musician.

Pam,

Your story reminds me of Who's on First? Rubbish - relish, and an icky band-aid, too. Very funny!

Jocelyn,

You'd be amazed how inspiring $100/shot can be.

Angela,

Flip thanks you for the birthday wishes.

NY Times best selling author? Oh, yes, oh YES! I like where you're going with this.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Ambrosia is sweet; nectar of the Gods.
Or in our case, Godesses.

*laugh*

Corvette knows a good thing, obviously.

Anybody else coming up with names here?


Scarlett & Viaggiatore

On a limb with Claudia said...

Happy Birthday to Flip! I'm so very glad he was born - and that he found you - and that you put up with him. YAY!!

As for the bet? Meh. You have his heart. His money doesn't matter much.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Scarlett,

Apparently not. Do you think this means they don't take my hoop skills seriously?

Claudia,

Hearts don't buy shoes.

I'm glad he was born, too. And that he puts up with me.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Dearest Hearts,

There is no doubting your hoop skills, you are unquestionably Mistress of the Hoops.

I have a very good laugh over at my page today, I think that you will get quite a KICK out of it...


Scarlett & Viaggiatore

Jo said...

Hearts, you definitely have a talent, but I think you have met your match. I used to play volleyball, and I once hit the ball, it bounced off the ceiling, it then bounced off the wall, and directly over and into the basketball hoop. Everyone stopped the game to see if they could do it as well. No one could. :-)

Tell Flip Josie says he has to pay you! *heh*

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Scarlett,

I saw your post. Any friend of Sarah Palin's mule is a friend of mine. :)

Josie,

I bow to your greater prowess, and would have loved to see that shot. I suck at volleyball - I have always had trouble getting it over the net. The nets are so HIGH.

Franki said...

"Men don't usually do that unless they know me."

That killed me.

Pawlie Kokonuts said...

Maybe you can run for vice president now. It doesn't take much.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Franki,

Uh, oh. Think of this blog as a banana peel in the street and be careful. We don't want to lose you.

Pawlie,

Not sure if I'm over or under qualified... I have a working brain, more or less, but don't wink very well.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

My wife doesn't make good her betting dues either. I once swallowed a bowl of hot jalapeno peppers for nothing. Happy Birthday to Flip.

Perhaps if you told him that you need a hundred dollars to buy him a present, he might cough it up.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Hey Hearts,

I think your post about noisy aircraft worked... there's a company in SF bringing zeppelins back into the air:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/10/25/zeppelin.tours.ap/index.html

I'm definitely going to ride in one of those!

Scarlett & Viaggiatore

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Calvin,

Ouch! You won't do that again!! I hope your wife at least helped you put out the fire.

Scarlett,

I know about the zeppelin flights. The ride costs upwards of $500/hour and sounds like fantastic fun.

rhubarbwhine said...

Maybe he could work off the debt in some way.. foot rubs, tea in bed, that type of thing:)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Rhubarb,

GREAT idea! I'll take it in trade.

Maddy said...

That must be what they mean by hard ball.
Cheers

Glamourpuss said...

Band Aid basketball? Sounds like fun - sponsorship's a given. Good skills.

Puss

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Maddy,

It's harder than you might think.

Puss,

Well, I don't have SERIOUS skills like you do, but as you suggested, sponsorship's a given. Little things mean a lot.

Nick said...

So did Flip finally cough up the $100?

Real Live Lesbian said...

That would make you a basketball savant, wouldn't it?

Can't wait to read about your camp stories! LOL

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Nick,

$100? What $100? You're joking, right?

RLL,

You mean "Idiot Savant?" An intellectually disabled person who exhibits extraordinary ability in a highly specialized area, such as mathematics or music. Or basketball.

I'll have to get back to you on that. After I take inventory.

Thank you for your visit!

Eastcoastdweller said...

Garnish his wages!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Eastcoaster,

Great idea, if only he worked for me.