Saturday, April 05, 2008

California Reamin'

To whompa-whompa wench with huge bazongas in the sheer peasant blouse: You really need to stuff those things into a bra, honey. I'd give you one of mine but I know it would shred like confetti if you tried to squeeze into it. You may be voluntarily blond but St. Pauli Girl you are not.

To the guy in the rusty Beamer cranking your radio and bellowing loudly: Tune up or die. You were "singing" so loud your eyes must have been closed since you nearly hit me as I crossed with the pedestrian signal. How much dick-ier could you be?

To the old woman dragging your lame dog at a pace quite surprising for a person of your age: You should slow down if you want him to live. He was trying so gamely to keep up with you but it was obvious that every step hurt him. Was your mah jongg game so important that you were willing to whack your loyal companion to get there?

To the scumbag who casually blew cigar smoke into my wet hair as I passed by, minding my own business: You deserve a special medal for being an offensive asshole. Thanks to you, I had to go home and wash my hair again before it was even dry the first time because the stench was knocking me out.

To Father of the Year whose three children were careening down the sidewalk on bikes scattering pedestrians but you didn't notice because you were on the phone, here's a news flash: You do not own the sidewalk. It was not included in your Trust Fund. If you don't want your progeny to grow up as arrogant as you, you need to teach them to heel.

To darling Flip who just said, "You're not going to believe this," to which I replied, "What did you lose?"

"My new Spiderman pen."

Try me. Spiderman may have special powers but you do not. You lose everything. What, exactly, in our long history has even suggested that I wouldn't believe you had lost something?

It's days like this that make me wish I were a drinking person.

37 comments:

RED MOJO said...

Sooooo funny. Where's that gentle compasionate heart we've all grown so fond of?
Actually this is the side of you that made me start reading your blog to begin with. I love your dark side!

The CEO said...

You just had my Thursday! I wanted to kill people. I am amazed at how calm you can stay. I was screaming at one point. Well done! Really.

Jay said...

Oh no, not a spiderman pen!

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

I kinda like the St. Pauli Girl. Am I doomed?

Nick said...

I think what would have upset me most is the ruined hair from the cigar smoker and having to re-wash. I've never smoked and I hate the smell. What a thoughtless prat.

As for the wench, she seems quite well-contained. I see a lot worse every day on TV with the new fashion for inches of cleavage and everything spilling out in all directions.

the walking man said...

Yes I see the difference now. 'Cept I wasn't complaining, never does any good just pointing out personal differences.

Ah well that is a hell of a funny and right on list of rude thing most never see in themselves but carry on with as if it were a constitutional right.

Peace and no I did not piss on myself last night.

Mark

jalishouse said...

The idiot with the selfish kids is th vignette that struck me. I hate, really hate that people get lost on the phone and tune out the real world - I wonder if he would have said anything if he hadn't been on the phone.

seventh sister said...

glad you got all that off your chest!

On a limb with Claudia said...

You sound very stretched. Is a vacation at all possible?

Sorry about the Spiderman pen. Since I lose everything, I feel bad for Flip... and you, of course.

(((hug)))

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Mojo,

"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds."

"Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large. I contain multitudes."

Besides, I felt like it.

Monty,

Oh, silly me. I must have forgotten to mention the part about killing people. How remiss of me.

Jay,

If you can dream it, he can lose it.

Calvin,

Do you always have to be such a -- guy?

Nick,

That's what set me off, the cigarette and cigar smoke everywhere. I have never smoked either and HATE it. They all smell like ashtrays. It's unfair that I should, too, to say nothing of all the second-hand smoke.

Mark,

Well, that's great. I'm so happy for you.

Jali,

I doubt it. He wasn't even watching that they didn't hurt themselves - those kids were whipping.

Sister,

Like Grandma Moses, I paint what I see.

Claudia,

Flip is pretty-near perfect, but I do spend a great deal of time locating his lost and missing items.

Still, in some ways, every day is a vacation.

VE said...

Hah. Good one. Might I suggest a remote cabin...

Angela said...

That's awesome. You give me hope. But here's hoping that your day/week gets better. {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Ve,

Oh, yes, please. In a smoke-free zone with animals of the non-human persuasion for company.

Angela,

It already has. Not Little Mary Sunshine better, but still better.

Of course, I haven't been out yet.

Ian Lidster said...

Would a hug help? I'll gladly give it. Actually, I need one, too. And, thanks for the revisit of the St. Pauli girl. I needed that, too. May tomorrow be better.

Kapuananiokalaniakea said...

I'm sure that it was the day from HELL for you, but reading about it made me laugh out loud. Thank you for being a bodhisattva and bearing the "suffering" for others. You are truly enlightened.

Sienna said...

You are so cute when you get mad!

Okay I have you some books I will mail you, think sun drenched beaches and sunsets, Great Barrier Reef wonders, amazing forests of hinterland and waterfalls, the sweetest, freakiest mammals you have ever seen.....

I think I worry for folk that live in cities, somehow, somewhere some of them (as you just described) seem to be amongst the populous, but have cocooned all inner sense of decency and consideration for fellow people and stuff.

I'm not sure why that happens? The cities here in Oz are getting more and more like this too; it just brings home to me how I prefer wrestling snakes and living in dust, I don't know my psyche would cope with coldness, distance and danger of fellow humans.

Hearts, you must escape.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Ian,

I would like her, too, if I were a man OR if I liked beer.

Thanks for the nice hug.

Puanani,

I'm pretty bad-tempered for a bodhisattva -- does that make me a BADhisattva?

Actually, I've had worse days in which I was unable to see the humor.

Pam,

I think as cities go, San Francisco is way at the top of the food chain, but the world grows more overcrowded every day and people behave more and more like rats in a maze.

The sad truth is that although I am quite fond of many specific humans, I really dislike crowds.

Maria said...

Bing loses her sunglasses constantly. She locks her keys in her car at LEAST once a month. She forgets her gym bag at home (she works out on the way home from work) about once a month too.

I used to be the one who she could call to bring the gym bag or lunch to her at the school where she teaches (WAY out of my way.) Now, I am into the tough love route.

Molly said...

Yikes! That's a lot for just one day. What phase of the moon was it that brought so many crazies across your path? Hope you came across some unexpectedly nice people since then, just to keep everything in balance!

Robin said...

One nice component of the peasant blouse is that if your boobs hang to your waist you can tack them up there !

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Maria,

Good luck with that.

Flip has early-onset Alzheimer's, so tough love is not an option, although his history of losing things goes back way before it started.

Molly,

I took a ride in my car today and listened to Leopold Mozart's trumpet concerto in D.

I am healed.

Robin,

It was tacky all right.

leslie said...

Josie told me to pop in and check out your blog. Well, I must say after reading the most recent two, I guarantee I'll be back!!! You have a wicked sense of humour - love it! ;D

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Leslie,

I've seen your comments at Josie's and always enjoyed them so I'm happy that you've come by.

Please feel most welcome here, and thanks for your visit.

meggie said...

What I want to know is, why the Hell do days from Hell keep cropping up here in this day & age with monotonous regularity??
My daughter had one of the Ultimate Days From Hell today. I sympathise, with both of you.
I just HATE losing things!!

the walking man said...

Hey hearts, thanks for being as thankful for me as I was.

peace

mark

WNG said...

Days like that are why I'm a fan of Vodka.

Mariposa said...

You are so funny Heart! Just so funny...and I'm with you, how could some people (especially people we know so well) could say "You're not going to believe this" when we are so used to it eh? LOL

Slip said...

Wow all that and a bad hair day too!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Meggie,

I would classify my day as an annoying one, but not really a day from hell. It could have been much worse.

I hope things are looking up for your daughter now.

Mark,

Peace.

Wng,

I would be one, too, if I were not allergic to liquor. (Another reason to complain.)

Mariposa,

We go through the lost-and-found routine several times a day. There is nothing remotely surprising about it.

Slip,

Getting smoked on is an automatic bad hair day, bad clothing day, bad lung day.

Even the young kids are smoking now. I don't get it.

witnessing am i said...

Oh man, Ms Heart, how you attract the good, the bad and the ugly (in multitudes). The famous and the infamous. I assume it is your goodness, your wit, your beauty that we are all attracted to.

Um, so, um, do you mean you are NOT a drinking person?

Rachel said...

absentminded smokers, obxious kids, and ogling perverts: I'd be cranky too.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

David,

It is never my intention to attract cigar/cigarette smoke and smell like an ashtray.

I am NOT a drinking person, so I probably have a skewed view of reality.

Rachel,

But it's hard to be cranky in a vacuum -- hence, this post.

jameil1922 said...

lol. don't worry. i'll drink for you.

MsLittlePea said...

Yeah, the smoke in my hair would have made me mad too. I hate that smell.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Jameil,

Thank you. That means so much.

Sweet Pea,

Not only that, but I have the sense of smell of a tracking animal so bad smells are amplified for me.

Say It said...

you have to be a pretty heavy drinker to get relief from a day like that. And I'm sure its not worth it once you get to that point.

Hope things looked better.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Say it,

They got better, thanks!

Since I can't drink liquor, maybe I should carry a flask to throw at cigar smokers who get too close.