Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Short People Got No Reason to Live


"There's a Psychic Faire in Golden Gate Park today," I told Flip.

"Did that just come to you?" he asked.

It was pouring. We decided to go downtown instead as he had an underwear errand at Gap.

I won't shop at Gap because I am a logical person while they persist in hanging their smallest sizes on the highest racks where small people can't reach.

How can this be working for them? Do they sit in their giant board rooms and wonder why the Extra-Small and Small garments never sell? Except for anorexic supermodels who are eight feet tall and weigh 63 pounds, chances are that most people who wear the smallest sizes are short. Our little arms don't reach that high and frankly, the merchandise is not worth the neck and back pain which ensues from stretching way over our little heads.

Does Randy Newman own Gap?

I stopped to marvel at a new perfume called Séxual ( In giant letters) by Michel Germain at Bloomingdale's.

Now that's telling it like it is. No beating around the bush or clever euphemisms. Subtlety is dead.

I was afraid to smell it, but I wonder if there's a blue collar version called "Hump" at K-Mart.

Flip tried to sneak a skateboard by me the way he does Fritos and chips at the supermarket. He gravitates toward the phenomenally unhealthy and dangerous while I fervently believe in health food stores and am only a danger to myself in that I am phenomenally careless.

I'm all for the skateboard, unlike the junk food, but the weather we've had lately is more conducive to ark building. It seems like a purchase that could wait until spring. Our closets are already full of boogie boards and guitar cases, and not nearly full enough with the aforementioned Extra-Small clothing items.

There is a ¡PARTY! next door with the horrible stench of deep-fried silage that earned us a visit from the fire department the last time Skankblossom cooked, and of course, wall-to-wall noise. There are about 20 pairs of shoes in the hall while the trollop of the manse prances about in those surgically attached stilettos. And me without a semi-automatic submachine gun.

Who frickin' gives a party in a small apartment?

On a brighter note, Ian at Or So I Thought gave me a "Roar for Powerful Words" award. I like lions (and tigers and bears, oh my.)

Thank you, Ian.

I would like to give it to Lex at On Second Thought for her turbo-charged honesty. She pulls no punches even on herself, is committed to her own growth and questions everything.

Chani at Thailand Gal serves as a spiritual due-North for many of us. She is eloquent, passionate about her beliefs and always kind.

Liz at Los Angelista's Guide to the Pursuit of Happiness is all heart, a beautiful writer, skilled observer of humankind, and deliciously quirky.

David at Witnessing Am I is All Writer, All the Time. He doesn't just use words, he owns them. He excels in noticing the small things that make up a life and recreating them beautifully.

Mariposa at Mariposa's Tales has honored me with a "Wonderful Women of the Web" award.

Thank you, Mariposa. We haven't known each other for long, but you and your delightful blog have brightened my world so much and quickly become a necessary part of my day.

Claudia at On a Limb with Claudia is exactly my idea of a wonderful woman of the world. She is both spiritual and vastly cool, a combination that is not easy to pull off. She writes wondrously, is a supremely independent thinker, and a most joyful, funny person.

Red Mojo at Half a Bubble Off has further honored me with a "You Make My Day" award.

You have also quickly become a friend and I so admire your heart, humor and courage. Thank you for thinking of me.

I cannot choose.

You all make my day, every day, and my life is richer for reading about your lives and your thoughts. I love the community we have established in which everyone is equally important and we all try to support and care about each other.

I honor each and every one of you because you make my day (and my night) simply better.

Thank you!

37 comments:

Franki said...

At Target, they've got Hornee. Great post.

Jay said...

Well aren't you just full of golden nuggets today? Good stuff.

Nick said...

I hear you on the short people grouse. I have exceptionally long arms and in the supermarket people are always asking me to pull something off the top shelf for them. Why make things so inaccessible if you're trying to sell them for frig's sake? My Jenny also has short arms and the same problem. Do the shop planners all have seven foot arm spans or what?

Oh, and don't start me on the subject of women's toilets with not enough cubicles and long queues of desperate women. All planned by men no doubt.

Mariposa said...

Hearts, you are welcome...it's nice to know you through here...

And I agree with you in all points...people wearing small size are petite...like I' size 2 if not 0, and I only stand 5"2"...and why host a party in a small place? Duh!

DMB said...

Funny post. I am a tall person, so rarely do I think of short people and 'short' issues, but that is certainly a valid point. You would think one of those corporate re-structurers or whomever those big companies always hire to revamp practices ( and in general, just get on everybody's nerves ) woulda' thought about that.

'Short' issues--rather makes it sound like a political party, no?

witnessing am i said...

Oh my. First of all, I love the dialogue 'tween you and Flip. Love the witty quips. As a short person myself, I can relate. I often have to ask an equally short employee to help me reach the folded pants on a shelf at least ten feet off the ground. And oh my gosh, I loved the "Séxual" perfume observation -- "I wonder if there's a blue collar version called "Hump" at K-Mart." I laughed out loud when reading that, scaring my fellow employees.

Thank you for the very, very kind words and the "Powerful Words" honor. Any such honor from such a gifted writer as yourself makes me very happy, indeed. Thank you.

furiousBall said...

I always wondered why I felt kinda funny in my loins when I went to Target, now I know

Ian Lidster said...

Awwww -- thanks. You do it for me, too. Make my day, that is.
I like the idea of a perfume called 'Hump'. It absolutely cuts to the chase as to what it's all about. I think you should market it. I think you should share some of your profits in it with me since I am offering moral support at this time.
I liked your award choices, BTW. I too was going to choose both Chani and Liz at the time, but ran out of people. So, I'm glad you got them.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Franki,

Hornee! That's even better. Or maybe "Gonad."

Jay,

Golden gonads. See above. :)

Nick,

I don't mind asking Flip, who is 6'3", to cherry pick Cheerios off a high shelf, but I prefer to riffle the clothing for myself.

As for womens' toilets, it's true. There are valid reasons it takes us longer, yet in this one area, we get equal opportunity.

Mariposa,

It's not just Gap, actually. Many stores follow this system and it's maddening. Since we are a culture that reads left-to-right, I think they arrange clothes the same way, starting with size 0 on the top left.

My next-door neighbor is a hell-cretin.

Dmb,

Short issues. You're right, but I haven't heard any of the candidates address it.

As a tall person, you must have to stoop down to check out the clothes in your size. Of course, you live in Japan where many people are short, so that may not be an issue.

David,

The perfume salesman sashayed over to help us, but he was looking at Flip, who was oblivious, even though it's a women's fragrance.

This award was, quite simply, made for you.

Furious,

They probably carry it, too. Hump. Or Franki's favorite, Hornee. There is probably one called "Aphrodisiac" at Bloomie's and the big box version would be "F*** Me."

That's a lot of hope riding on one small bottle.

Ian,

Your moral support is always most welcome. We'll make millions, I tell you. Millions.

It's so hard to choose only a few people for awards when all the ones I read are wonderful in their own ways.

Craze said...

but I wonder if there's a blue collar version called "Hump" at K-Mart. - LOL!! That is funny!

CONGRATS!!

NoRegrets said...

I love the K-Mart reference. But overall, nice rant-ish type post.

I must say though, I sometimes get that song in my head and I feel so un-PC, but it has a catchy tune so it doesn't leave quickly.

*~*Cece*~* said...

I enjoy entertaining WAY too much to ever move into an apartment.

RED MOJO said...

Wow, That's a full hat-trick of awards. Congratulations, you richly deserve them all, and more. I will admit to an open gafaw at the "hump".

Molly said...

Why didn't you holler? I'm not using my uzi this week....I'd have lent it to you.

thailandchani said...

Thanks so much for the nice acknowledgement :)

I've yet to figure out why the clothes are arranged in such a way that most people (me included at 5'3") can not reach the top racks!

Senseless :)

Irrelephant said...

I utterly love the Alice in Wonderland picture...the caterpillar and his hookah, and poor Alice peeking over the edge. Brava!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Craze,

And it probably all comes from the same giant vat. They just label it "expensive" or "cheapo" after they bottle it, and send it to the appropriate merchant.

No Regrets,

Randy Newman is a fantastic songwriter. It's a great song, but I would like it better if I were not 5'1" and he were not about 13 feet tall.

Cece,

If only everyone felt as you do...it's just rude in close quarters.

Mojo,

You must have a male dog.

Thank you again for your kindness. All the people whose blogs I read deserve awards for being smart, fun, entertaining, and sometimes even making me think.

Molly,

Don't tease me.

Uzis R Us.

Chani,

Their reasoning is way up there with the Rosetta Stone and the Dewey Decimal System.

Irrelephant,

I adore those Arthur Rackham illustrations, too. Glad you liked.

CS said...

Congratulations to you. I feel your pain on the small sizes being put up high. I have never understood that. Sometimes I feel like pulling the whole rack down onto the floor so I can reach what I need.

Emperor Ropi said...

My problem is that the stuff is good in lenght is far to wide. I am 6"5 and half and 154lbs which is more or less normal.

jali said...

I love to hear about Flip! I can imagine him casually dropping the Doritos into the cart, and planning his explanation for when he gets busted. The thought makes me smile.

I also love the way you've written about your blogger friends. Really sweet.

WNG said...

Talk about the starting the year off right! Thanks for the laughs and introducing me to some great bloggers!

Sienna said...

LOL! on the perfume!!

I can't go there, I have something to say, but I think it better I keep my disgusting sense of humor here in Australia. But that is really funny, you crack me up Hearts!!!

My sister should be home soon, (little heel project), I gotta get the info right....stay tuned.

I'm thinking I might just get some of that Sexual perfume, I can't stop laughing about it, was it nice tho'?

Pam

Open Grove Claudia said...

Wow! Thank you so much! I'm floored! :)

You are very sweet!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Cs,

Now there's an idea whose time has come! Pull 'em all down and let God sort 'em out.

Ropi,

My husband is tall and thin, too. I can't imagine what it's like to be so tall.

Jali,

Well, darlin', you're one of them so I'm glad you approve.

Wng,

I just wish I had time to read all the great blogs out there.

Pam,

I don't know if it was nice. I was really afraid of what it might smell like, but if you buy some, let me know.

Claudia,

It's all true, too. So there.

Rachel Schell said...

I wonder if maybe the just don't sell many of the extra small sizes. if they sell more of the others those will be the ones they put at eye level, easily accessible.

congrats on the blog award!! :)

Echomouse said...

Congrats to all!

And thanks for making me laugh with the first part of your post :) You do have a great way with words.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Rachel,

They probably sell more of the medium sizes since most people are not at either end of the spectrum. Still, it doesn't make sense to me.

Echomouse,

Thank you so much!

Lex said...

Aww! Thanks so much for the award.

I'm too tall to be considered petite, but to short for normal. So, I feel your pain, kinda.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Lex,

Sorry, honey, but kinda doesn't get it. :)

If you're of average height, you are indeed lucky. I'm sure they order most of their garments in that range.

Maybe I'll be taller when I grow up.

Lex said...

I'm 5'3", so I miss average by an inch I think. All of my pants are either too long, too short and usually too high to reach. So, see! I get it!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Lex,

Laughing here. Yes, you're a shorty, too, I'm afraid.

Today I tried on a pair of black pants that were very wide legged. The saleswoman remarked that they looked really good in the "heinie." I said, "I know what my ass looks like."

They fit perfectly and were even on sale, but they made me look even shorter so I couldn't do it.

Sigh.

Lex said...

Susan,

Pointed-toe shoes! Now, go back and get those pants.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Lex,

So I'll be a short chick with pointed shoes and a great ass.

That could work...:)

katrice said...

Congratulations on your new awards! You certainly deserve each one of them and more. I like how your list of badges is growing.

And, yeah!! About the short people thing. But let me bring it closer to home. We keep our boxes of cereal on the top shelf of the pantry. I love cereal. I am short. My son pushed the Golden Grahams to the back of the pantry, flush to the wall. He is tall and thinks he is funny. I am not smiling.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Katrice,

I am not smiling either. Flip, who is 6'3 1/2" always puts the Cheerios back on the top shelf, which I cannot reach even using a stepstool to stand on the counter.

It's undignified to have to beg someone to get you a box of children's cereal.

He isn't trying to be funny, though. He just doesn't get that I am height-impaired.

Your son is feeling his oats, literally, because he hasn't been taller than all-powerful Mom for very long. You could still spank him if he would lie down for you, though. :)

Odat said...

You make my day too!!! Thanks for the laughs...
Peace

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Odat!

How wonderful to see your beautiful face smiling at me today.

You, especially, are a day-maker, Lady!