Monday, October 22, 2007

Case Study on the Dysfunctional Duck Family

With Recommendations:

This memo from Children's Protective Services of the Department of Social Work concerns the Donald F. Duck family, which has come to our attention on numerous occasions because of certain mysteries which remain unclear despite several investigations into the workings of this Social Unit.

The State has sent three different Social Workers to the domicile to monitor a situation which involves the care of three minor male ducklings, known only as Huey, Dewey and Louis whose relationship to the Head of the Household, known as Donald, is ambiguous at best. They refer to the aforementioned Donald as "Unca Donald," but there is no evidence that Donald ever had a sibling who could have parented these three minor male ducklings.

Also of concern is the apparent inability of said minor male ducklings to form an independent thought. They have been observed by all three Social Workers dividing every utterance among them three ways, which leads to the obvious conclusion that they share a single brain of which each of the three minor male ducklings owns one-third.

It is not known if they attend school, or if their alleged "uncle" home-schools them.

To all appearances, Donald has a good heart and good intentions. Yet, the police have been called to the Duck residence too many times to count because he also has a very bad temper. It has been suggested that his middle name is Fauntleroy, which could possibly account for a goodly share of his generalized anger, but that is just speculation.

Donald F. Duck has, in the vernacular, a "short fuse" which is often triggered by mounting evidence that his friends Mickey Mouse and Goofy, who seems to be a canine, often get what they want without having to fight for it. We believe that Donald suffers from extreme angst over being forced to hoe a tougher row, but it should also be noted that he has developed a most tenacious temperament.

Even when he is up to his beak in trouble, Donald does not give up, although he is overly inclined to say "Aw, phooey!" which is cited here as further evidence of his hot-headedness.

There is also the matter of Donald Duck's wardrobe. He wears a sailor suit, which, while unquestionably adorable, is the official uniform of mama's boys everywhere. It would be remiss of we, the Petitioners, to overlook this further evidence of his patent unsuitability to be a sartorial role model to impressionable young ducklings.

He has demonstrated considerable ability to manipulate his environment, which is of concern to the Department of Social Work even as it elicits our reluctant admiration since to our knowledge, the Disney extended family is generally at the mercy of its surrounding landscape.

The competing Warner Brothers family, on the other hand, traditionally employs great expertise in working with guns, dynamite, Acme brand anvils and rifles with barrels that can be tied in a bow. There are witnesses who will swear under oath that one of them painted a tunnel road onto the side of a rock outcropping to facilitate his escape from the law.

We mention this because we believe that it calls into question Donald's loyalty and willingness to behave in a manner befitting a prime representative of the Disney family; therefore, how can we then expect him to satisfactorily discharge his responsibilities as "pater familias" to the minor male triplets, Huey, Dewey and Louie?

It is the Opinion of this Office that Donald is constitutionally incapable of providing a wholesome environment for the said three minor male ducklings, Huey, Dewey and Louie.

There is more: A female duck known only as "Daisy" seems to be a part of the Duck family entourage, but her relationship to Donald is cloudy. She maintains her own home but is often on hand, lending her feminine energy to the all-male Duck family.

While we would like to believe that her influence is benign, her association with Donald and his so-called "nephews" who are of impressionable age and might be particularly vulnerable due to their lack of a mother should be investigated further. It must also be noted that Daisy Duck, like that Britney Chick, does not wear covering on her lower body.

There is also an elderly millionaire named Scrooge Duck who seems to be a relative of Donald's, but this is never explained to our satisfaction either. He appears to be of sound mind, as nearly as we have been able to determine, but again, the issue of the minor male triplets rears its ugly head(s.)

It does not seem that Scrooge contributes to the wellbeing of Donald's household and in fact, consistently exerts pressure on Donald to accompany him in his many travels around the world. Who is tending the aforementioned Huey, Dewey and Louie in the absence of "Unca Donald?"

Despite the indisputable fact that the minor male ducklings Huey, Dewey and Louie evince distinct affection for the aforementioned Donald F. Duck, we hereby and with great reluctance Petition the Court to remove them from this home for placement in the Foster Duck System pending reliable evidence that Unca Donald provides a safe, decent and stable home for the care and nurture of the duckling triplets.

Signed in Triplicate,

Social Worker # 1
Social Worker #2
Social Worker #3


MsLittlePea said...

And furthermore 'Unca Donald' does not wear pants either. Must be Daisy's influence. :O)

The CEO said...

Somewhere, you had to have worked for Health and Human Services. You have it down pat. Well done!

Rebecca said...

gosh - I didn't even notice that Unca donald doesn't wear pants - very scary indeed. Get them outta there quickly.

riseoutofme said...

Aw shucks heart, don't you know a ducks gotta do what a ducks gotta do?

Although I do think Daisy needs a little word in her ear about her lack of appropriate clothing ...

the walking man said...

If the state does not act now then all three young hoodlumducks are bound for a life of recurring trouble and subsequent rehabs, Said rehabs being the truth of Scrooge McDuck's and Donald Ducks "frequent" trips as evidenced in many tabloid photo's due to the never ending hounding by "paparazzi."

The life of these young Hollywood children must be protected before they are re-named chickens and wind up in a Mcduck, Macdonald's as nuggets

WNG said...

You really can't make me laugh this hard while I'm at work...but I really needed it.. Thanks!

Odat said...

How scandalous!!!!

seventh sister said...

This sounds like yet another attempt by humans to force our values and customs onto other cultures, in this case cartoon animals. Where do we get off trying to police the whole planet?
What would Pearl S. Buck say?

Bob said...

alas, there is already evidence that the 3 ducklings are in trouble, it has been reported that the nefarious gang-bangers "The Beagle Boys" are involved. While the ducklings have triumphantly resisted up until now, how long can these minors stand up against hardened criminals?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Sweet Pea,

Definitely. The chick, er duck, is bad to the beak.


I managed a domestic violence shelter. Social workers seem to hold punctuation in contempt and revere run-on sentences.


You didn't notice? Now I'm worried about YOU.


Yeah, all that PINK. Why would an adult duck want to look like a strawberry ice cream cone? Really.


Ah, those are some nuggets of true wisdom, my friend.

Psssst. I have even heard rumors that Donald is into crack. Oh, wait.. that's quack.

Never mind.


Glad I could help. :<)




Pearl S. Buck was probably quite fond of Peking Duck.


Oh, no. Not the Beagle Boys. This is terribly disturbing.

Someone will have to take a firm webfoot in the matter before it's too late.

kimber the wolfgrrrl said...

Goodness me! Shocking!

Ian Lidster said...

Glad you mentioned about the lack of nether garments on both Donald and Daisy. But, as I mentioned in my bird blog, ducks are notoriously randy critters and go at it almost constantly. Scarcely a good influence on HD and L. And speaking of them, there is also the matter of their having been abandoned to life with their rageaholic uncle by his sister, who was never to be seen again. Talk about abandonment issues, indeed.
Oh, dear Susan, back to the sanity of Itchy and Scratchy.
Oh, and one question does remain. Why do they all wear gloves all the time?

heartinsanfrancisco said...


It gets even worse. Children's Protective Services intends to separate the three minor male ducklings on the theory that they are a bad influence on each other.

I fear they will speak in fractured sentences forever.

Thank you for visiting these shores.


After considerable research into the Duck Family Tree, I have determined that Huey, Dewey and Louie were the offspring of Donald's skankblossom sister Della, who left them with him as soon as they were hatched and split after claiming that she needed to wash her feathers.

I think they wear gloves because duck ponds, while quite picturesque, are icky.

meno said...

Oh this is wonderful. :) So creative and you have the language down perfectly.

"Unca" indeed!

CP said...

Not to mention the company he keeps. I would keep an eye on that Goofy character cause he looks like a duck molester.


jali said...

That was hilarious.


Now I want to copy your great idea and do my own - sigh.

Open Grove Claudia said...

I wish it was that easy.

Unfortunately, the minor ducks will be passed around like hot rocks while said "parent" makes minor attempts to actually be a parent.

Then the courts will set up a few hoops, which the parent will screw up.

Then the court will give the parent some chances. And when finally, the kids hate their parent and are damaged beyond all repair, they will take the kids away and the parent will scream bloody murder.

I've seen it happen over and over again. The only time it doesn't is when one person is willing to protect the child and makes the court hold the second parent accountable.

It's very sad.

furiousBall said...

I think the largest issue revolves around Donald's inability to communicate. Seriously, no one understands him.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Those ducklings are old enough to be able to pronounce their "l's." They will probably need to attend speech therapy to correct these impairments before they impact their social development irreparably.


He is definitely a degenerate who should not be allowed anywhere near young minds and especially, bodies.

Thank you for coming by!


I'll be watching for it. Maybe you could do an expose of Mickey and Minnie's S&M practices.


I have often thought that potential parents should be required to pass qualifying exams before their reproductive abilities are allowed to function.

(All of which goes into the broad category of "If I ran the world.")


Yeah, he is one unintelligible duck for sure. No wonder H,D and L cannot form complete sentences.

It's very sad.

Anonymous said...

Lordy, I can offer you a job if you're of the mind to head towards the nation's capital. Girl, you are good!

I am totally impressed. Okay, I'm hooked. Consider me a newbie.


Anonymous said...

speech therapy for ducks? This whole thing is too funny. Thanks for the giggles.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
heartinsanfrancisco said...


A job? Are you doing a New Patient drive?

Thank you so much for your very kind words, and your visit. I am delighted to be a newbie at your site, too, and will be bellying up there often.


Perhaps if they spoke more distinctly, we would understand that they have solved global warming, cured cancer, and reached enlightenment.

It's worth a try.

eastcoastdweller said...

Hey, has anybody thought about where these ducklings would be if Donald hadn't taken them in? Despite all his stresses, he's been a man -- er, duck -- about it. Give the bird a break!

Liz said...

I'm sure that if they have to be removed from custody, Angelina and Brad will take them in.

heartinsanfrancisco said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
heartinsanfrancisco said...


I agree with you. Donald's a good egg.


For Caneton a l'Orange? They do have a lot of mouths to feed.

Angela said...

Ah, this is a rough one for me. I feel like I need a caseworker now for my littlest one. :( *Heavy sigh* I may be one of the only parents on the planet who hopes that her children *will* grow up quickly instead of staying young forever. Too many dangers for them, I fear. (And isn't it the fear that's just the worst? Oh, how I hate it.)

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Uh oh, that doesn't sound good. I hope you are able to get the help your child needs and that things get better soon.

I'm really sorry.

Anonymous said...

"A short fuse" -- oh my goodness, this is priceless, Heart. Beautiful work, and I love the running triplicate theme. This is very funny stuff, written with a lovely sense of realism. Great word choices.

Your mind is amazing.

Molly said...

Quacking up over here!

seventh sister said...

Since we are on the subject of animal welfare, how bout an update on the horse?

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Aw, phooey. You make me blush under my feathers.


Oh, are you a quackpot, too?


He's doing great! Thanks for asking. He's recovering nicely and putting on weight again.

Mariposa Speaks said...

This made me LOL...and made my day! I have been in the office for 16 hours now, and this is just a great break for me! :)

heartinsanfrancisco said...


That's a very long day!! I'm so glad if I could make it a little easier.

Thank you for your visit here.

Jocelyn said...

I fear there is a dearth of good foster families in Duck Land, though. What? Are the lads to move in with Daffy?

That's a lateral move, at best.

I am not Star Jones said...

even as a little kid I noticed that Donald and Daisy didn't have matching bottoms to their tops.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Definitely lateral at best.

I've heard rumors that Daffy is on crack.


Did you also notice that they were not anatomically correct? What's with that?

Crankster said...

Funny, yet it seems to hit just a little too close to the mark.

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Vy NOT a duck?!

storyteller said...

I'll be laughing at this one for a while. Thanks for sharing ...

heartinsanfrancisco said...


Another childhood hero bites the dust!