This memo from Children's Protective Services of the Department of Social Work concerns the Donald F. Duck family, which has come to our attention on numerous occasions because of certain mysteries which remain unclear despite several investigations into the workings of this Social Unit.
The State has sent three different Social Workers to the domicile to monitor a situation which involves the care of three minor male ducklings, known only as Huey, Dewey and Louis whose relationship to the Head of the Household, known as Donald, is ambiguous at best. They refer to the aforementioned Donald as "Unca Donald," but there is no evidence that Donald ever had a sibling who could have parented these three minor male ducklings.
Also of concern is the apparent inability of said minor male ducklings to form an independent thought. They have been observed by all three Social Workers dividing every utterance among them three ways, which leads to the obvious conclusion that they share a single brain of which each of the three minor male ducklings owns one-third.
It is not known if they attend school, or if their alleged "uncle" home-schools them.
To all appearances, Donald has a good heart and good intentions. Yet, the police have been called to the Duck residence too many times to count because he also has a very bad temper. It has been suggested that his middle name is Fauntleroy, which could possibly account for a goodly share of his generalized anger, but that is just speculation.
Donald F. Duck has, in the vernacular, a "short fuse" which is often triggered by mounting evidence that his friends Mickey Mouse and Goofy, who seems to be a canine, often get what they want without having to fight for it. We believe that Donald suffers from extreme angst over being forced to hoe a tougher row, but it should also be noted that he has developed a most tenacious temperament.
Even when he is up to his beak in trouble, Donald does not give up, although he is overly inclined to say "Aw, phooey!" which is cited here as further evidence of his hot-headedness.
There is also the matter of Donald Duck's wardrobe. He wears a sailor suit, which, while unquestionably adorable, is the official uniform of mama's boys everywhere. It would be remiss of we, the Petitioners, to overlook this further evidence of his patent unsuitability to be a sartorial role model to impressionable young ducklings.
He has demonstrated considerable ability to manipulate his environment, which is of concern to the Department of Social Work even as it elicits our reluctant admiration since to our knowledge, the Disney extended family is generally at the mercy of its surrounding landscape.
The competing Warner Brothers family, on the other hand, traditionally employs great expertise in working with guns, dynamite, Acme brand anvils and rifles with barrels that can be tied in a bow. There are witnesses who will swear under oath that one of them painted a tunnel road onto the side of a rock outcropping to facilitate his escape from the law.
We mention this because we believe that it calls into question Donald's loyalty and willingness to behave in a manner befitting a prime representative of the Disney family; therefore, how can we then expect him to satisfactorily discharge his responsibilities as "pater familias" to the minor male triplets, Huey, Dewey and Louie?
It is the Opinion of this Office that Donald is constitutionally incapable of providing a wholesome environment for the said three minor male ducklings, Huey, Dewey and Louie.
There is more: A female duck known only as "Daisy" seems to be a part of the Duck family entourage, but her relationship to Donald is cloudy. She maintains her own home but is often on hand, lending her feminine energy to the all-male Duck family.
While we would like to believe that her influence is benign, her association with Donald and his so-called "nephews" who are of impressionable age and might be particularly vulnerable due to their lack of a mother should be investigated further. It must also be noted that Daisy Duck, like that Britney Chick, does not wear covering on her lower body.
There is also an elderly millionaire named Scrooge Duck who seems to be a relative of Donald's, but this is never explained to our satisfaction either. He appears to be of sound mind, as nearly as we have been able to determine, but again, the issue of the minor male triplets rears its ugly head(s.)
It does not seem that Scrooge contributes to the wellbeing of Donald's household and in fact, consistently exerts pressure on Donald to accompany him in his many travels around the world. Who is tending the aforementioned Huey, Dewey and Louie in the absence of "Unca Donald?"
Despite the indisputable fact that the minor male ducklings Huey, Dewey and Louie evince distinct affection for the aforementioned Donald F. Duck, we hereby and with great reluctance Petition the Court to remove them from this home for placement in the Foster Duck System pending reliable evidence that Unca Donald provides a safe, decent and stable home for the care and nurture of the duckling triplets.
Signed in Triplicate,
Social Worker # 1
Social Worker #2
Social Worker #3