Saturday, September 29, 2007

Open Letter to Blond Bimbo with Black Boxster

It seems our paths cross yet again. It's becoming impossible to go anywhere in this neighborhood without seeing you put the entire citizenry of San Francisco at grave risk in your black Porsche Boxster, performing acrobatics which can only be described as anarchy behind the wheel.

I don't know who bought it for you but I'm sure that someone did because you can't possibly be smart enough to have earned that much money yourself, especially considering what you must be paying some lucky salon to keep your voluntary blond tresses free of dark roots.

I was particularly impressed by the maneuver you treated us to at around 5:00 p.m. yesterday when you executed a double U-turn at the intersection of Divisadero and Chestnut Streets, cutting off vehicles in four directions and then deciding for reasons unknown to back up all the way to Lombard Street in rush hour traffic heading for the Golden Gate Bridge.

It turned out that you weren't trying to merge onto Lombard after all, but to get a running start back to Chestnut, where you slammed your car to the curb, beating out another woman who was in the process of parallel parking in that space.

At this point, you had my full attention. I'm sure you didn't notice me because your sunglasses have mirrors on the insides, but I was the brunette in jeans and white t-shirt leaning against a lamppost across the street staring intently at your vehicle. I really wanted to see what you looked like because you are, in your way, quite remarkable.

After flipping off the rightful owner of the parking space, you spent quite a lot of quality time with your rear view mirror, tweezing your eyebrows and applying more spackle and base coat before venturing forth.

When you had done as much damage control as possible, you slid out, ignoring the parking meter, and sashayed into a bar. A pick-up bar, actually, but then I'm sure you know that.

The prospect of you driving home later on busy roads, smashed, really made my day.

And since we're such good friends and all, I want you to remember that no matter how cool your car is, you're still ugly and I hope you get towed.

With the snidest of wishes,
Heart in San Francisco

45 comments:

thailandchani said...

ROTFL!!! Doesn't that just make you cringe, these self-involved idiots in expensive cars?

Shheesh!


Peace,

~Chani
http://thailandgal.blogspot.com

thailandchani said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
heartinsanfrancisco said...

Chani,

The sense of entitlement is what gets me the most. I have observed that many of the worst drivers have the best cars. Apparently, they are banking too heavily on their good luck.

The CEO said...

One temporary antidote might be four (4) flat tires. And if she drove away while drunk on those flat tires...

just a hypothetical.

MsLittlePea said...

Heehee! I just said to MrPea today how much I hated Porsches for that very reason(the sense of entitlement). I'm pretty sure that woman's cousin lives in my neighborhood.

That dog looks so pitiful I want to give him some biscuits.

liv said...

Ouch. But do we know for sure that she's a bimbo? Or is she just a snotty bad driver with bleached hair?

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Monty,

It's a damn good hypothetical. I could save lives in the bargain.

Sweet Pea,

Oh, I love Porsches. It's some of their owners I don't like.

I snapped several pics of that dog down the coast, and he was anything but pitiful. You could tell he knew he was in a dream machine and looked down his nose at all the peons in mere cars.

Liv,

What's the difference, exactly?

liv said...

I just think that bimbo implies sexual promiscuity. I don't think that being a bad driver and a bitch is exactly the same thing as being slutty. (if i'm inferring incorrectly, then scrap my comment)

heartinsanfrancisco said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
heartinsanfrancisco said...

Liv,

I don't think of "bimbo" in terms of promiscuity, although you may be right. To me, it means a woman who is extremely stupid as well as overly involved with her appearance.

And although people tend to think of bimbos as young and attractive, I don't think that either is a necessary qualifier.

JR's Thumbprints said...

Wow! That's alot of base coat! Oh ... wait ... you said the car was black. So sorry.

Franki said...

Oh I was dearly hoping there was a picture of the culprit on this post.

Irrelephant said...

You know, most major cities (and I think San Fran probably qualifies) have a cellular-based direct line to the State Police. Witnessing anything vehicularly dangerous down here all you have to do is dial *LSP (Louisiana State Police) and you're connected instantly to a dispatch officer. I've reported more than a few of our insanely dangerous logging trucks (sans lights and brakes, usually) and seen very fast results. Perhaps old girl is due for a wake up from the local constabulary? *s*

Ian Lidster said...

I think I love you. That was one of the funniest things I've read in ages. Hey, how about a title for a murder mystery (for the time when you finally snuff her), 'The Blonde Bimbo in the Boxter' It's short, yet covers the ground.
Yes, the idea of her driving home blotto is even more appealing.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Jr,

The car was perfect. The base coat was on her.

Franki,

So was I, but I didn't have my camera with me.

Irrelephant,

You must have better drivers in LA than we do. If SF's finest had to chase down every nutjob on wheels, they would have no time for NON-vehicular homicides.

Ian,

That's a great title. Mickey would be proud.

Maybe booze improves her driving skills... they couldn't get worse.

Rebecca said...

I know that, in reality, that post was quite scary but it made me laugh anyway. Especially the mirrors inside her glasses.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Rebecca,

I don't doubt that she has reverse mirrors. With white frames.

There's a lot of "me-first" mentality out there, but she drives as if she's the Only One on the road.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

You get her, hearts!

That was really good. Now... print it out, put it in your purse, and then next time you see her careen into a parking spot... put it on her window.

Oh wait... she's probably not intelligent enough to read, or deep enough to care.

Hmm... You could call the tow truck yourself... or call her in as a drunk driver.


Scarlett & V.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Scarlett,

Good ideas, those.

Louie, this may be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Josie said...

Hearts, can't you get her licence number and report her? She's a menace on the roads, and one of these days someone is going to get hurt or killed. Or you could accidentally connect a hammer with her mirrors (not the ones in her glasses, her side view ones). She just might get the message.

Some people have a sense of entitlement, don't they?

Jocelyn said...

You are ever kind, thoughtful, and equitable in your posts...

...which means I get a huge bang out of it when you depart from your usual even-keeled self and have a little rant.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Josie,

Nix on the hammer, although I'd very much like to. But I will get her license number next time I see her on a search-and-destroy mission.

Jocelyn,

I think what you meant was that occasionally I depart from my usual rants and demonstrate a little even-keeledness. (!)

WNG said...

There really ought to be an asshole tax.

PS not all Boxster owners are like that. Oldest Sister G bought herself one (used, but whatever) when Nephew G left the nest. She considered it a present to herself for raising a son alone and running her business. AND she's a kick ass driver. It's sad that she's probably in the minority.

witnessing am i said...

I am afraid that this letter was written in vain. This blog is way too smart for Blonde Bimbo. She would never find her way here (I am very, very happy to report).

Paige Jennifer said...

For some odd reason, this post was just the shut-the-fuck-up moment I needed on this cranky Monday morning.

CS said...

Ooh, I like the flat tires idea from the CEO.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Wng,

An asshole tax. Brilliant!

Of course not all Boxster owners are like her. Good for your sister. I would love to have a Porsche, too, and I'm a safe driver.

David,

Flip said the same thing, that she would never read my letter. I told him that was not the point.

Paige,

I hope your day gets better! I remember Mondays. They suck.

Cs,

Yes, my friend here has a very good idea. :)

furiousBall said...

My belt sander just told me she must go.

Odat said...

Ahahahaha!!!!!! Why is it that the ones in the Porches, BMWs and Mercedes think the world owes them something.....??? and they're all ugly....;-)
Peace

Liz said...

This reminds me of why I hate driving on the westside of LA. Every driver over there seems to have some overpriced car that they either don't know how to handle or else they purposefully drive all over the road.

I also think you should print what you wrote out and put it on her car. It's only a matter of time before she hurts herself or someone else so maybe she'll take your open letter to heart.

Then again, hell could freeze over too, right?

the walking man said...

I'll bet you a pound of Ghiardhelli chocolate she learned how to drive in Detroit, and I probably taught her how. Especially the finger salute.

what do you cal a hand palm to the face four fingers waving with no rhythm? A whole bouquet of ,,l,,.

after a broke neck and a broke back and more not at fault accidents than I can remember I hope her and her car take a header off the bridge the stupid bitch.

Fuck her what an ass

TWM

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Furious,

Can I borrow your belt sander?

Odat,

There's a guy in my neighborhood with a red Ferrari who likes to park it at meters, jump out over the door and sprint down the street on his errands, leaving the motor running.

All I can think is that he has another one at home and doesn't care if it's stolen. Just the price of gas should be a deterrent, but I guess the really rarified among us don't worry about such things.

Liz,

It could. In fact, according to the weather report, hell is going to freeze over this very night.

Maybe I'll just make her a ransom-type note from newspaper letters that says "Learn to drive, bitch." Or maybe the classic "Prepare to meet thy doom."

Mark,

I would think that in Detroit, the finger salute could get you killed. I know it would in New York. In California, not so much, probably because of all those sunglasses with interior mirrors.

Jay said...

Good stuff, goood stuff.

urban-urchin said...

Honey- it's the marina. Trustafarians believe others were put here to make them more comfortable (a broad sweeping generalization I am aware- but in most cases, sadly, true.)

The sense of entitlement of many people in the US is epidemic.

Voyager said...

Don't you know that there are certain rights that come with Porsche ownership? The idiots choose to exercise them.
V.

Ian Lidster said...

I felt you thoroughly deserved an award for bringing such wise humor into the lives of everybody who reads you. Check out my blog and you shall find it.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Jay,

Oh, there you are, my favorite blond Anti-Bimbo.

Urchin,

Yes, the dreaded trustafarians again. I would like to think that people who have been given everything would be extra kind and considerate of others, but it doesn't seem to work that way.

Voyager,

Well, it's just a car. You get into it one leg at a time, just like everyone.

I would love to have an old Carrera from the late 70's, but I could live with a new one, too. I'm easily pleased.

Ian,

Thank you for the smile award. It makes me well, smile.

But how will I ever choose only five people to give it to?

Crankster said...

To paraphrase Nancy Sinatra:

My keys are made for scratchin'
And that's just what they'll do,
One of these days, my keys are gonna
Scratch all over you

(or at least your Boxster.)

Just sayin'.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Crankster,

Nancy never sounded better. And now that song is stuck in my head.

The temptation is there, I admit it. But then I remember the law of karma and put away my keys.

Open Grove Claudia said...

I'm pretty sure that was the same woman who I saw at the gym. Bitch. Where's a rotten egg when you need one???

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Claudia,

I didn't notice whether she was wearing a 4-carat dazzler. I think she was driving one, actually.

I am not Star Jones said...

i'm thrilled you were there to witness this winner at her finest and mock her.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Star,

I am sure that this nitwit has many such moments of glory every day.

katrice said...

ROFLMAO!! Well said!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Katrice,

Thank you, my dear.