Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Joy To My World!

'Tis the season for Christmas brag letters, and they have begun to arrive in sickening splendor, so I thought I would write one of my own. I don't know the people I'll be writing about, but since the letters I receive never bear any resemblance to persons living or dead, it shouldn't matter.

HOLIDAY GREETINGS TO ONE AND ALL!

As another joyous year draws to a close, I want to share our good fortune with all you less fortunate beings so that you can eat your collective hearts out rejoice with us.

The first major event of 2010 was that I finally changed my name legally to the name I have used forever, as Donna was not nearly fantastical enough for the exotic creature I have become since I hitchhiked away from the family farm and never looked back. I am now Marcella in both word and deed, the name by which most of you know me, and which suits my fabulousness so perfectly.

In September, James and I bought the ketch of our dreams and look forward to sailing around the world with a small crew of 100, including a manicurist and colonic hydrotherapist, of course. There was some tough competition for this boat, but we outbid that upstart Donald Trump and the entire Hilton family, and she is now ours. Bon voyage to us, darlings! We have christened her "The Odyssey," naturalement, with many gallons of the best champagne.

Our eldest son, Lafcadio, the Captain of Industry, was lauded by Business Week as a Superstar Businessman. His Fortune 500 Company is indeed fortunate to have him. His filly, Heart O' Gold, won the Triple Crown this year as well, and his lovely wife, Loma Linda, gave birth to a baby with two heads, both of them gorgeous, proving the old adage that two heads are indeed better than one.

Our second son, Olfactorio, the perfume industry genius, launched his new fragrance in Paris and Milan, named for his loving mama, Marcella. He confided to me that he always knew that if what I have could be bottled, it would make billions. I'm so proud.

Our daughter, Cinderella, who washes dishes at the best five-star restaurant in New York, caught the attention of Georgio Armani and will be strutting the runway in his next show. Even a jealous mother dishpan hands can't keep a beautiful woman down.

Finally, our youngest son, Destino, who is twelve, has received early acceptance to Harvard. By a wonderful coincidence, he also won the Nobel Peace Prize, the Pulitzer and the Library of Congress Living Legend Award. It's been quite an exciting year for our 7th grader.

2010 saw my wonderful James installed as President of the World, and if I may be immodest for a second, yours truly was featured in a delightful spread in Town and Country for my work with starving orphans in Rwanda. I am told that my generous gifts of designer clothing, worn only once, were much appreciated, and I plan to continue sending them all the jeweled evening purses their little hearts desire.

Our Christmas roundup letter would not be complete without mentioning that our French Poodle, Marie Antoinette, won Best in Show for the 4th time at Westminster this year.

The Ming vase I dug up while vacationing on the beach in Aruba has been added to the vast collections at the Louvre, and darling James surprised me with the Hope Diamond for our anniversary, just a little something to flaunt wear while sailing the Southern Seas in our ketch.

Our main residence, Valhalla, is being photographed for the March issue of Castle Homes Magazine, and we're all so very excited. Our racing silks won the Grand Prix at Monaco in April for the first time, and we donated the specially-built mechanical marvel to the Smithsonian amidst tremendous international brouhaha.

My toenail clippings were sealed into a Space Capsule to be opened in 100 years, along with photographs, of course, and I owe it all to darling James, without whom I would still be a little farm girl from a Red State, trying to become Miss Rheingold. It makes me humble.

From our houses to yours, I wish you all a healthy and prosperous New Year. Ciao, darlings!

Oodles of love,
Marcella

29 comments:

secret agent woman said...

I almost got stuck on Lafcadio.

My mother and I once composed a Christmas letter detailing every last horrible thing that had occurred in the family in the past year. It was funny, and I kind of wish we'd sent it out.

nick said...

What a stunning year! Almost as dazzling as my own, in which I won thirteen literary prizes and made £23 million from the 18th century commode I found in the attic.

VERY impressed by the baby with two heads, Marcella darling. So she can make two fortunes simultaneously! What charmed creatures you all are!

the walking man said...

I shall write mine here at this very moment.

Dear Everyone,

2010 is ending and shit happened. I didn't eat any of it and hope that you didn't either.

I refuse to cut down a living tree for the thirtieth year in a row but I hope that yours doesn't catch on fire because you had to have one; even though judiciously sprayed pine sol would have the same effect.

The kids haven't told me to go to hell all year long and the old lady and two dogs are still here and that's about it.

Oh yeah by the by if you owe me money or haven't returned my tools you borrowed over the last year in the spirit of Christmas please pay me or return them.

Ta Ta

mark

lgsquirrel said...

Dear Mumsy,
Care to adopt me? A poor orphaned middle age squirrel? I am easy to maintain......just need a sizeable inheritance. Or I would settle for the boat. I am easy.

Jo said...

Susan, this made me laugh right out loud...!

I once had a relative who wrote her Christmas letters in poetry.

Oh.

My.

God.

Can you imagine coming up with a rhyme with multiple sclerosis? Oh, yes, her daughter got multiple sclerosis that year, and my relative managed to fit it into the Christmas poem letter. *Gag*

I think I laughed for two days...

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Agent,

I wish you had sent it out - it sounds hilarious.

Nick,

Congratulations on all your many literary awards, dahling, and weren't you clever to find that valuable commode? James and I really should invite you on our yacht.

Mark,

I totally agree about Christmas trees unless they are still rooted and can be planted afterward. I hate seeing them massacred every year, then abandoned on curbs a week or so later.

Calvin,

Your easiness is so appreciated.

Jo,

Rhymes with "neurosis."

Maria said...

This would be hilarious if it weren't so close to the truth. I get my sister's Christmas letters that they send out every year and I want to burst out laughing. The one I received yesterday went on and on about her oldest son getting a big promotion at his job. It said nothing about what a lousy husband and father he is (was too busy playing a video game to attend the family's Thanksgiving dinner) or how his children whine constantly for every new gadget on the market and my sister, obligingly, buys them for them.

I am sorely tempted to write my own HONEST Christmas letter and see how that floats....:)

Warty Mammal said...

You had me buying it until the third paragraph. THAT is how good you are.

mischief said...

Heehee, oh how I hate the family Christmas letter. What an obnoxious tradition. One year an old friend sent me one in an envelope into which she had also poured glitter, so when I opened the letter, glitter spilled out onto my carpet. It was impossible to clean up. I was irate before even starting to read the impersonal third person narration which always infuriates me anyway. And she signed off the letter by telling everyone which way to vote. If I get her Christmas letter this year I'll open it over the toilet for the glitter and for my upset stomach.

Merry Christmas! :)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Maria,

Please DO write your own honest letter. It would probably be the first in history.

Warts,

So you don't think I have a two-headed grandchild? Ah, ye of little faith.

Lisa,

I didn't know anyone but preteen girls used glitter for anything, but I can think of many uses for it, none of them printable here. Sending it in a Christmas card is a hostile act, though, so yeah, Merry Frickin' Christmas!

mrwriteon said...

Why, that sounds so remarkably like our past year.

And a mele kalikimakah, my dear to you and yours and thank you for thinking of us in this way.

TechnoBabe said...

This is great! Makes me want to write something like this and mail it to everyone I know.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Ian,

Mele Kalikimaka me ka Hau Ľoli Makahiki Hou.

Babe,

Sorry, Dahling, but Marcella has all the honors sewn up for this year.

TaraDharma said...

Tre hilarious!! I get a letter from a friend (who shall remain nameless but not blameless) written by his pet hamsters...telling everyone was their "daddy" did all year. How many roller coasters he conquered, how many cruises he took, blah blah blah. Those are some verbose little hamsters, I tell ya.

Your letter -- way way more fun!

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

I loved this post the first time you did it, and I'm nothing short of tickled to see it up this year! YAY!
Makes me giggle wickedly... so very clever.

Much love, and Happy Hanukkah

XOXO

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Tara,

Talking, bragging hamster scribes, Lord have mercy. And I find it vaguely troubling that your friend considers himself the hamsters' "daddy." I can't decide whether to puke or die laughing.

Scarlett,

I've never re-run anything before, but dug this up from 2007. so we've been reading each others' blogs for a long time.

Jocelyn said...

This is exactly why I'm glad to be far enough away that postage may deter all such letter writers. Give me an afternoon with the sheep, cows, and donkeys in the neighborhood here, and that's celebration enough for this joyous season.

Short Poems said...

Great ideas, makes me to write something :) :)

PeterAtLarge said...

Brilliant! So happy that the rich are still with us--and getting richer. Thanks for the belly laughs. I needed them.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Jocelyn,

Have you noticed that quite a few asses are not donkeys?

Happy Christmas to you and the gang in Turkey!

Poems,

Thank you for your visit. I'm glad I could inspire you. :)

Peter,

Yes, it is indeed gratifying that those with untold wealth prosper while others have nothing. A chicken in every pot, a ketch in every swimming pool.

rhubarbwhine said...

Well now, my Christmas letter looks pretty tame ... ;)

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Rhubarb,

It's still not too late to buy a yacht or something really shiny from Harry Winston, you know. And surely there's an award or two Marcella's rotten brat hasn't already captured.

mischief said...

Merry Christmas Marcella,
Hope it's a peaceful and happy holiday for you and the family. *hugs*
L

Lex said...

Why do people do this!??! If I wanted a play by play update on the life you wish you lived, I ask how you wished your year would have gone. If I don't ask, please don't tell. Because I don't care. I really don't care.

The way I see it, if I care enough about you to actually READ the 8 word holiday card you sent, you are special enough to me that I already know anything you'd write in a brag letter.

Fortunately, I only get one per year -- from the same person.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Lisa,

Marcella thanks you, or ought to if she were not such a snooty bitch, and I do, too. I wish a most happy Christmas to you and your family, and a beautiful New Year.

Lex,

I think they do it to convince themselves that they are still living, and that their lives are meaningful. The rest of us, their recipients, get caught in the crossfire.

Chaviva said...

Omigod! This is utterly brilliant!! Had I read it before the holidays, I would most certainly have redistributed widely!!

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Chaviva,

Thank you! I understand the spirit of Christmas pretty well for a Jewish girl, don't I? :)

Odat said...

Wow!! Lots have happened since I was last hear!!! Good for you!!! :-)
Peace

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Kathy, well yeah, but it all happened to Marcella, not me. Some girls have all the luck.

It's GREAT to see you back!!!